Chapter 29 (Hazy Shades Of Winter)

Lux Nightclub (Las Vegas) || 04-12-2018

Brad Jackson hadn't been to Vegas for his birthday in years and being here now was starting to stir up the worst kind of memories. He hadn't been able to go to The Luxor – the Pyramid and that stately Sphinx near the entrance reminded him far too much of working for SCW which brought his mind slithering back to the good old days, when he was draped in gold, unable to even walk down the strip without something recognizing him and asking for a selfie. The Jackson brand had been a household name then. How had five years ago turned into a completely separate lifetime?

He'd gone for a stroll after depositing his luggage in the hotel room. Even though he couldn't bring himself to revisit that old suite he'd had on reserve for what felt like years, he'd been unable to leave the area. The Mandalay Bay had been the logical choice, given that it was connected by that walkway and that cheesy little excuse for a mall. No heads had turned in his direction. Nobody recognized him, despite the fact that he was still active in the business. Maybe nobody around here watched WWH's Asylum brand. Maybe everything he'd been toiling at for the last four months was a gigantic waste of time.

When the elevator doors had slid open, he'd been assaulted by a wall of noise – some trendy dance music that he didn't know and the chatter of a thousand conversations that put his teeth on edge. The décor was nice, this eclectic mix of the old-world charm of dark wood and polished surfaces until he caught sight of the garishly lit bar with the wall of glass behind it. Everyone here seemed to be in their late 20's and he felt like someone's grandfather, disoriented and out of place. At least he'd taken the time to tame his hair, slicking back the sides with a pomade that made it look darker than the silver it normally was in the light of day. He ordered the house beer, finishing it quickly as he hovered in the shadows, waiting for a table to open up. A flash of light near the bar drew his gaze and he blinked a few times, thinking he must be seeing things – he could have sworn Alyvia was at the bar. He couldn't stop staring, feeling that old familiar ache of that wound that had never quite healed.


Lyv Jackson had been one of the club's regulars since moving to the city a few years before. She'd met the club's owner, Rick Ravenswood by chance in Reno back in the fall of 2015 and the two had become very close friends rather quickly. She'd been reeling from her divorce and separation from Brad Jackson and Rick had been a blessing to her and her two children. He was her best friend and she was his. There was only one other person she trusted like she trusted him and that was her brother Lex Collins. Lyv loved being at Lux, especially on the evenings that Rick was playing host. One of her favorite things was watching him play piano and sing. A few nights a week, she was able to leave her son with his nanny, allowing her to have some much-needed adult time.

This evening at the popular club wasn't unlike any other night as she sat at the bar with a drink in hand. She was dressed in a black cocktail dress that reached above her knees and had black lace sleeves. On her feet were a pair of black pumps and her blonde was swept over her shoulder. Her life hadn't turned out as she'd thought it would, but all things considered, she was happy.

As she took another drawn out sip from her Lemon Drop Martini, she felt an arm slide around her shoulders. It was one she recognized immediately as she leaned back into it and smiled up into the face of Rick Ravenswood. "Well, look who finally graced us with his presence." The smile on her face became playful as she turned on her stool to face him. "Good evening." She lifted her glass as if to say 'cheers', and then finished it.

"You know how it is," the handsome man replied with a wry smile and a wink. "I'm a popular guy." He leaned in closer, whispering so that they weren't overheard, "had a meeting that went on forever and all I could think about was you."

He straightened up and reached for the glass that was set down in front of him, nodding to the bartender. "You look lovely, Alyvia. Like an old Hollywood starlet, come to grace us peons with your presence."

Her cheeks slightly blushed as a smirk played on her face. "What can I say? Usually I'm on your arm and I have to look the part." Looking toward the bartender, she nodded to signify that she wanted another drink. "True arm candy, through and through."

Rick allowed himself a little chuckle as he lifted his glass to his lips. "I'd say you're far more valuable than that." He savored the liquor, his eyes on the gorgeous blonde for a moment longer. "So, what do you think, doll? Should I dazzle them with a little ditty?"

"Like I've ever been able to say no to any of your requests." She raised an eyebrow, that smirk still in place. "But yes, I think you should give them some razzle-dazzle." Another drink was placed in front of her as she looked at her friend and gave his cheek a gentle pat. "And I'll be up front."

All of a sudden, Lyv felt as though she were being watched. Of course, she was used to being looked at, but this was different and she couldn't put her finger on it. Shaking off any feelings of unease, her focus was back on Rick. "Then after maybe we could sneak upstairs for a bit."

Nodding, Rick tilted his glass at her. "I like the sound of that very much." He finished it off and set down the empty glass before turning away from her, a bright smile on his face as he set out towards the grand piano that sat to the side of the dance floor and the crowd parted in front of him like the Red Sea. He took off the suit jacket he had on, folding it neatly and laying it beside him on the piano bench, taking his time to loosen the collar of his shirt and roll up his sleeves, stalling because he knew it made the moment sweeter.

Lyv couldn't take her eyes off of him, loving the way he effortlessly charmed the crowd with his antics before his fingers even touched down on the keys. Maybe that was why she didn't realize someone was standing right behind her until she heard a very familiar voice say something she'd never heard before.

"Club soda with a shot of bar lime. Easy on the ice."

The blonde froze on her stool, her hand holding onto her martini glass. The familiar voice was one that always made her heart beat like that of a hummingbird as well as butterflies to flutter around in her stomach. It couldn't be his, though. She hadn't seen him in years, not since she'd walked out on him. Breathing in through her nose, she exhaled slowly and took a long swallow from her drink.

"The club soda's good." Straightening her posture, Lyv turned on her stool to face her ex-husband and the man who still laid claim to her heart. "Everything happens to be."

His hair was longer than it had been the last time he'd seen her, hanging over his forehead in a way that almost softened his look. His dark eyes were narrowed slightly as he took in her outfit up close. Standing here, seeing how beautiful she looked up close, he was feeling as though he'd been sucker-punched in the groin. "I've heard. Lots of great Yelp reviews – thought maybe I'd check it out when I was in town."

The words were cringe-worthy and he wanted to slap himself in the worst way. He'd come here because Vegas had always been his favorite place to visit on the weekend of his birthday and with a little bit of free time on his hands thanks to careful scheduling with the heavily scripted wrestling show he was running; he'd been able to book himself the time off.

"I love this place so much," the words seemed to just slip out and he could hear the sincerity in them.

His eyes were pulled from hers, looking over as the man he knew was the enigmatic owner of the club started to play piano. He'd heard a lot of things about Rick Ravenswood, but hadn't seen anything online that would have led him to believe that the man was dating his ex-wife.

Her words didn't sit well, making him search for a hidden meaning that eluded him. "You look well," he finally said, feeling the magnetic pull that brought his gaze back to hers. He wished he'd taken a bit more care when he'd gotten dressed. If he'd known he'd be seeing her, he might have taken the time to get his hair cut or at least wear something that didn't look at least ten years out of date. One thick-fingered hand raked through his hair, his eyes on his reflection behind the bottles and he tried to fix it, only making it worse. He let it fall back to his side, knowing she'd see right through that gesture, knowing exactly what it meant. "Fuck," the expletive came out on an exhale and he reached for the drink as it was set down just so that he had something to do with his hands. "If I'd known..."

"You probably wouldn't have come." His eyes managed to cut through her, just as they always had. She was in such close proximity to Jax that it was difficult to ignore his cologne and the memories that followed. "I uh..." awkwardly, she tried to smile as she shook her head. "Small world syndrome, right?" She felt like an idiot, an idiot that wanted to fall at his feet and beg for his forgiveness. Leaving him had been her greatest mistake and not a day went by that she didn't regret it. "It is good to see you, though."

"Is it?" His chuckle was raw, full of bitterness as he shook his head and took a sip from his drink, feeling the clean, clear fizz on his tongue before he swallowed. "Heard good things about this place. You know how it is... I like to pretend to keep up with what's new and trendy." He fell silent for a moment, glancing back at the piano and the man playing it, the center of attention for everyone in the bar, it seemed, except for them. "Nice to see you've landed on your feet, though." The words weren't without a thick coating of sarcasm, one dark brow lifted as he turned back to her with that tight-lipped smile he usually reserved for his enemies.

Lyv couldn't help but look down at her lap, that smile making her shrink. She knew she deserved it, but to be on the reserving end made her feel sick. "Rick is my friend..." The confidence that she usually exuded in the club had diminished to that twenty-two-year-old girl that Jax had met in a bar. Swallowing hard, she met his gaze and made no attempt to smile. "A really good friend."

Rick was one of the best friends she'd ever had, he'd been in her corner for almost three years. He'd given her a job and helped her and her son find security. At times they did sleep together, but it was more because she needed that intimacy. He'd always known how she felt about the man in front of her.

"Is your wife with you?" She'd heard he'd remarried a few years back and then had stopped keeping up with news on him. It hurt too much, though she knew it was her own doing.

He stared at her for a few seconds, not even sure who she could possibly mean before it dawned on him. "Who? Missy?" He shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Pretty sure she's riding the dick of some wannabe Instagram model now. I don't know. Don't really care. It all fell apart when I actually hung up the wrestling boots for good."

"You aren't wrestling anymore?" The sigh of relief she exhaled was noticeable and couldn't be helped. She'd always been so scared that he was going to really get injured. Even after they'd divorced, there were nights she laid awake hoping he was safe. "What are you up to now?" The question came out a bit awkwardly as she internally scolded herself.

"Been retired for a year. Dropped the title in Carnage...just couldn't do it anymore." He shrugged, taking another leisurely sip of his drink, finding himself wishing he'd ordered something stronger. Seeing her was cutting deep, making him remember just how much he'd unravelled when she'd walked out. "I'm running a show – warden for this fictionalized asylum for WWH. Been doing that since December."

Lyv nodded, finishing off her drink. Her anxiety felt through the roof and more than anything she wanted to go somewhere with him. The feelings she'd boxed up a few years back were now at the forefront of her mind. "Jax... can we go somewhere, talk? Please?" The words were out of her mouth before she had a chance to think them through.

A part of him wanted to deny that request, to throw the rest of his drink in her face and watch that plea turn into the same sort of horrified outrage he'd felt when she'd walked out on him without any sort of provocation. The other part, though? The part that had broken into a thousand pieces, the part that had ranted and railed and had taken that anger out on the wrestling world for another two years until it had grown completely exhausting – that part still felt something. As much as he hated to admit the truth, the way he'd seen her lean into Ravenswood, the way she'd laughed and smiled at another man's touch, that had brought all the old emotions rushing to the forefront. "If that's what you want." He tossed back the last of his drink, setting it down on the polished bar top. "Where?"

Lyv had already finished her drink and got down from her stool. "Are you staying close by?"

He couldn't help the chuckle as he shook his head over the irony, "wanna go up to my room, do you? Seem to recall that's how this whole mess between us started in the first place."

A smile crossed her face as she nodded. "I guess I do." The first night she'd ever spent with him also came rushing to her as she grabbed her clutch purse that was on the bar counter. Her smile faded as she looked up at him. "I think we have some things we need to talk about. If that's okay?"

He held out his hand to her, a habit that hit him so hard that he felt it like a slap and then she was moving away from him, headed towards the elevator. "Should we tell your 'friend' that you're leaving?" He couldn't keep the barbed quip to himself, seeing that the song had ended and the dark-haired man was flirting up a storm with a few girls who looked barely old enough to have made it past security.

Lyv turned and scanned the crowd for Rick. When she saw him charming a couple of younger women, she laughed to herself and shook her head. "No, he's preoccupied." As they waited for the elevator, she held out her hand for him. "I told you, he's just a friend."

"Right, right," he brushed it aside even as he reached for her hand. The fact that her fingers still felt at home in his wasn't lost on him for a second but he managed to keep himself from doing something stupid as they waited for the doors to open. "So, this is where you've been, then? Vegas?"

"Yeah." There was so much she felt from that little bit of contact, more than she could put into words. The elevator doors opened and she led him onto it. "We went back to Reno for a bit and it... it was hard and then I met Rick. He offered me a job and I thought the change would be good for Christian."

He waited until the doors started to close before pulling the card from his back pocket, swiping it across the reader and choosing the fifteenth floor. "Ironically, I'm staying here tonight. I thought..." he trailed off, realizing he hadn't even asked about his son. What kind of lousy father was he? "I'm still in Florida, though I haven't been home much in the last few months."

It was hard not to associate Miami with one of the worst times in her life and the downfall of their marriage. She'd taken the opportunity to stand so that she was gently against his side. "Are you still in the same house?"

"Theoretically, yes. Haven't been there since last summer, though. I've got a little apartment above the gym – finally got that up and running. I've got a full staff and it pretty much runs itself when I'm not around." Jax chuckled, shaking his head, "so, yeah. That's where I go when I'm in town." He stared forward, seeing himself in the polished reflection on the inside of the doors. He looked like he could be mistaken for her father. "The house... I'm going to sell it. Eventually. When I have the time."

"That house just didn't feel right, yanno? The Reno house ruined all others for me." The first house they'd lived in after getting married had been her dream house. It had been the house where they'd started their family and shared so many memories. That had been a reason she went back to Reno, just to be close to that house. "If you need some help getting it ready or whatever, I could help."

He was quite aware of her pressing against his side and the moment he thought maybe he should do something about that, the elevator came to a stop, the doors rolling open. He checked the display and forced a smile. "We're here." He led her off the elevator, surprised to find the hallway empty as they made their way towards a room at the end of the hall. He stopped after a few steps, turning to look down at her and the words that came from his lips were in stark contrast to the fact that she was still holding his hand as though she'd never let go. "Why... why do you want to talk? What's left to say after all this time?"

Lyv stared up at him, the question he asked her requiring almost no thought. "Because I made a mistake leaving you and breaking up our family." Still, she kept holding onto his hand as if it were her life preserver. "I have always loved you and I swore that if we ever saw each other again I would tell you these things. Things I should have said." Her eyes felt a familiar prickle of tears that she blinked away. "Biggest regret in my life was not coming home to you.

Jackson's fingers tightened on hers and he started walking again, the silence drawing past awkward and making her anxiety spike. He said nothing at all, barely even breathing to break the silence until after the door to the suite had started to swing shut behind them. "I never married her." The words that finally broke the silence were weird as he turned to look at her. "And I know why you think I did – I wanna make that clear, since we're coming clean. Alright?"

It was impossible for her to hide the surprise she felt from what he'd just divulged. Her mind also raced with all sorts of thoughts that she couldn't get a handle on. There was one thing she needed to know as she had no intention of letting go of his hand. "Did you love her?"

"I thought I did." He didn't blink, his eyes still locked on hers and in this light, she could see they'd changed color. They weren't as dark as she remembered, closer to a greenish-hazel now than that impossible blue-black they'd been so many years ago. His hair was completely silver, no traces of the pepper left and she could tell by the way the dress shirt hung on him that he wasn't as heavily muscled as he'd been when she'd left. That went with the territory, of course. He wasn't wrestling. He wasn't required to maintain that physique to keep up with the rest of the shirtless kids who were half his age. Here she was, in his room, looking like a million dollars and he felt like an old piece of driftwood, sun-bleached and stripped of everything that had drawn her to him in the first place. "It doesn't matter, does it?"

"I was just curious." As she looked him over, despite any physical changes, he was still the same to her. She'd always seen beyond the persona he put out there for the world. This was the man who would always own her heart and truthfully, she didn't want anyone else to have it. The next thing she said just came out and it was the equivalent of ripping off the Band-Aid. "I left because I... lost the baby." Even as she said it, he could see how she struggled.

It was just impulse – he didn't even stop to think before he pulled her into his arms. "I figured that out a long time ago," he murmured, burying his face against her hair. "When I found you... when I came to your door and you looked me dead in the eye and told me that there was no baby..." he felt the prickle of tears himself. Her hair smelled the same as he remembered and it was almost his undoing. "I'm sorry."

Her arms had instantly wrapped around him. "I should have told you, but with the stuff with Clay and then you hiring Missy as your trainer and spending all that time with her? I couldn't watch you toss me aside for someone again. It hurt too much the first-" 

"That was a mistake." He shook his head, realizing he hadn't thought about Kayla in a very long time. 

"It doesn't matter. I'm not trying to blame you. I had all that shit that was coming up in therapy... it was too much. I broke and I had to get out." Silently, she was thanking whatever higher power was out there that he hadn't rejected her. "I immediately regretted it and... I'm so sorry."

"Don't." He admonished, his tone coming out sharper than he'd intended. He pulled in a deep breath, holding it for a second before letting it out slowly. "If the last few years have taught me nothing else, it's that you can't drag that shit around with you forever. It wears you down, Lyv. If... if that's all you wanted to do was come clean with me, to tell me everything you feel like you've done wrong?" He sighed, shaking his head as he took a step back, almost gently pushing her away so that he could see her face. "I don't need to hear it. I'm not your priest. I'm not – fucking hell. You don't owe me shit, okay?"

She said nothing, her eyes full of tears and pleading and she was still holding on to his arms like she needed a lifeline but the contact was pulling the words from him. "What's done is done. That's what they like to say these days, isn't it? It is what it is. Water under the bridge and we can't change it, babe." The word just slipped out and it felt so natural, so damned right after all this time. "Then you're just opening up the whole can of worms. Maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I shouldn't have let you go without more of a fight. Maybe. Coulda. Shoulda." He snorted in derision, shaking his head, "we're human. We do stupid shit. What do you want me to say?"

Hearing him refer to her as 'babe' had her wanting to beg him to take her back as if the past few years hadn't happened. "You don't have to say anything." Her shoulders went up in a shrug as she shook her head. "You needed to know about the baby, though and I should have told you." It felt as though her thoughts were all jumbled and she was doing her best to keep them straight.

"Well now I know." He turned away from her, heading further into the suite and directly to the mini fridge. Pulling it open, he grabbed a bottle of water and opened it, his frustration evident in the way he was mangling the plastic. "So, you can go back to the party... the club – whatever. Clear conscience. Isn't that great?" The sarcasm was back and it cut right through her.

"No." She shook her head, a sense of panic coming over her that he was turning her away. "I made a mistake when I left you, Jax. I should have talked to you... tell you what I was feeling. I should have let you in and we could've..." she faltered when he put his back to her and she couldn't help but start moving in his direction, silently praying he wouldn't make her leave. "I love you."

He closed his eyes, biting his lip to keep from saying anything because his first instinct was to lash out at her, to tear that sentiment to shreds and the fact that he'd only had the single drink was a blessing. If he was drunk right now, he wouldn't be able to control that venomous tongue.

"Jax? Say something." Her voice trembled and he could tell she was inching closer, "I never stopped loving you and I just want to make this right." When she was less than a foot away from him, she rested a hand on his shoulder. "Please?"

"Never stopped." He sighed, shaking his head slowly. "It's been three years. You could've called me. Emailed. Fuckin' messaged me on social media – something. You know what was the worst part, Lyv? Not that you were gone. No. It was trying to figure out where I went wrong. With Kitty... with Shane... hell even with Georgie... I knew. Chose my goddamned career over them. Spent too much time gone. Didn't give a shit when I should've. With you, though? I didn't do any of that shit. You were there, with me, every step of the way. I didn't keep you in the dark. I didn't – fuck." He turned to look at her, his brow furrowed and pain reflected in his eyes. "You can't make it right."

The pain and regret that she felt reflected back at him. "All I'm asking for is the chance to try." She needed to get him to agree to this and with every moment that he pushed her away, she felt as though she had to try and pull him back harder. "I made a mistake, a HUGE one and I know that. I would give anything to take it back and I will do anything, however long it takes to make it up to you. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I swear to God... I will." Tears welled in her eyes as she stared up into the face she'd loved more than anything, realizing she was babbling like a desperate idiot. She couldn't stop herself, feeling like that one last chance was slipping through her fingers. "Please?"

"Stop talking. Jesus Christ... just shut up." The frustration was evident in his voice. He tossed the bottle of water into the sink and spun around, grabbing her by the arms. His lips found hers before she could even protest. It was deep and hungry, a low growl accompanying that violent kiss. He wanted to hurt her, wanted to stop her from begging because he'd kept himself in a strange sort of limbo for so long that the thought of her coming back now felt foreign and terrifying. 

The moment his lips touched hers, her eyes widened in surprise but only for a moment. Immediately, she returned his kiss, her arms wrapping around his neck. She'd never felt as much need and want as she did in that moment, knowing she'd surrender to whatever he desired.

His hand moved to her waist, fingers pressing against the small of her back as the other tangled in her hair and he kissed her until they were both breathless. It was a far better reply than any words, than any promises he wasn't sure he was going to be able to keep. When the kiss broke, he rested his forehead against hers, trying to remember how to breathe. "There's a girl..." he felt like an asshole for telling her now but the truth was, Amelia hadn't even crossed his mind until this very moment. "I've been seeing her on and off. It's nothing serious. I just... coming clean, right?" He pulled back; narrowed eyes locked on her as if he was waiting for the hammer to fall.

She could still taste him, could still feel the pressure of his mouth on hers even as she nodded, her arms still around him. She was afraid if she unwound them now that she'd lose him. "Coming clean..." Closing her eyes for a moment, she breathed him in and then exhaled, comforted by the familiar scent of his cologne. "I've... I've slept with Rick... but I swear to God he and I are just friends." As much as she hadn't wanted to tell him that, she knew she couldn't hide it from him. "It was just about being lonely. You are the only guy I have ever loved."

"I don't care," he muttered, pulling her closer. They both knew it was a lie – he'd always been possessive where she was concerned. "What's done is done." His hand moved to cup her cheek, his thumb gently stroking her skin. "Stay with me tonight?"

Eagerly, she nodded, her hand coming up and resting over his. "Tonight, and every night after... for as long as you want me." There weren't enough words to describe how she felt to be back in his arms. It was almost as if she'd been asleep for the past few years and had finally woken up.

"Oh, I want you." His voice held that teasing tone she remembered all too well. "Didn't realize that was up for debate." Jax licked his lips, the hand on her waist sliding up a little higher until his fingers grazed the zipper at the back of her dress.

Biting gently on her lower lip, a smirk on her face as well. "Let me." Taking a step back from him, her hand went behind and undid her zipper. She then gracefully lifted the black dress over her head and let it fall to the floor. She was clad only in a crimson lacy bra and matching underwear. It was similar to the set she'd been wearing the first night they'd spent together. She'd been embarrassed then, self-consciousness; that had long passed. Never had she felt as confident as she did as she stood in front of him.

The smirk that crossed his lips made her feel even better, that approval evident as he reached for her. "My first thought was right," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her, "looks much better on the floor." He picked her up the way he had a thousand times before, his lips finding hers again as he carried her through to the bedroom of the suite.

For the first time in a very long time, Lyv had a genuine smile on her face as she was lowered to the king-sized bed. Nothing had been settled. No promises had been made but she couldn't help the hope that blossomed; there was no hesitation as she pulled her ex-husband down on top of her, eager to make up for lost time.