Chapter Seventeen (All The King's Horses)

The yellow cellophane wrapper was crumpled in the middle of the desk blotter and the syringe that had been inside sat at a perfect 90-degree angle to it. Didn't matter where he moved it to. He'd been sitting here for four hours with the door locked, in agony, completely unable to bring himself to pick it up. The fingers of his left hand had gone numb thanks to the rubber tubing he'd tied around his bicep to make the veins stand out. He moved them, making a fist, looking down at the fingertips that were starting to take on a purple tinge.

Now or never. Shit or get off the pot.

All those mantras flashed through his head but he still couldn't lift his right hand from the armrest of the chair. "Do it, you fucking pussy." The words came out between clenched teeth, that self-directed anger finally spurring his hand into motion. As soon as he touched the cool glass, as soon as he felt the familiar shape in his hand, the damned thing was airborne, smashing against the back of the closed door accompanied by a frustrated roar. The office was soundproof. He wasn't worried about anyone downstairs hearing him. He honestly didn't care.

Next to him, the screen on his cell phone lit up, a notification that Missy had posted a photo appearing. Those traitorous fingers were fine now, reaching out and dragging it closer. Plaid shirt and a cap. I could warm you up, he typed, knowing that was awful even by his standards. He didn't even read her reply when it came in. Didn't even think about the dread those three words he sent next would inspire. He just sent them.

We gotta talk.

Missy had smiled at his little reply, she couldn't help it and sent him something saucy back without dwelling on it so much as a second. Then though, that next thing? She blinked, taken a little aback. Had she messed up the gym paperwork? She was so careful, it couldn't be that, could it? But she couldn't help that little thread of...something that rose up in her. What could it be about? Knowing she couldn't put it off she replied that she'd be there soon, and he'd let her know he was in the office, waiting. Coming in to the gym she didn't even bother to greet anyone, just went right to the stairs to the office and stood at the door a lot longer than she'd ever admit before she knocked once and opened the door. Her dark eyes swept over the office, focusing on Jax at the desk and she couldn't help that little tug of a smile that came to her full lips despite the tension she felt in the air. She stepped in, turning to shut the door before walking forward, and her brow rose when she heard a crunch - she'd stepped on something, and she looked down quick to see what it was. Surprise came to her face as the shattered object registered and she looked up at him with the question on her face before she spoke. "Boss?"

"Close the door." His voice came out raspier than usual but he didn't look up from the paperwork he'd scattered just to make it look like he'd been doing something all morning. "And lock it, please?"

"Sure Boss." She turned away long enough to shut the door firmly, turning the lock like she so often did when joining him up here. Easy, familiar motions but she couldn't shake that feeling of dread. She took a couple breaths before she turned around, stepping forward and avoiding that...thing...on the floor. She stopped before the desk, putting her hands on it just to have something for them to do, and tried to keep her voice in its usual tone. "So am I in trouble?"

Jackson didn't answer, pulling open the drawer beside him. He rummaged around for a few seconds before pulling out a little purple box, the kind you'd find in a dollar store meant to keep index cards in for recipes. This, he plunked down on the desk, pushing it towards her. "You're not," he finally said, lifting his head to make eye contact with her. "I am."

She didn't ask the obvious question, she reached over and opened the case, her gaze dropping from his to look inside. Missy blinked, and part of her wanted to touch it to see if it was real despite the evidence her eyes were giving her. "Tell me. Then...tell me what I need to do, to help. I've never known anyone that…" She looked up, making sure to catch his gaze again. "And you're important to me, you know that right?"

"I know that." He stared right back at her for a good twenty seconds or so before looking away. "Two weeks," he said softly, "those have been in this building for two weeks. Every day I manage to make an excuse why I need to wait. Tomorrow, I promise myself, over and over. I'm… I'm still hurting and that's the only goddamned thing I know that will fix it, that will buy me enough time."

"Boss." That came out a lot softer than she'd expected, and she shook her head. "Jax. I wish you'd have told me, it was that bad. I'm not questioning that you had your reasons not to, let me make that clear." She felt out of breath, like she'd gotten gut punched and she wasn't liking that one bit. "You can't do this to yourself. You worked too fucking hard, and Jesus Christ I don't know if I would have had that strength. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Part of me wants to slug you. Part of me wants to hold you and tell you whatever you need to hear to make this right. I don't like not knowing which is gonna help."

"Can't do this to myself? What? What does that mean?" That anger was back, tainting his words. "This is my goddamned life, Missy… I can do whatever I please. The fact that you're standing there, telling me you want to tell me whatever I need to hear… the hell happened to honesty, huh?"

Missy's eyes narrowed. "I never said lie to you, Jax. I can't, even if I wanted to. You fucking know this. Fuck, how many times do I need to prove myself to you? God I want to kill every one of them! That what you wanted? Yes, it's your goddamned life, but you… I fucking love you, and that's not going to go away. You can do whatever you please… sure. But you didn't want to do that, the proof is over there on the floor." Her breathing had sped up, and she could feel the flush of red on her cheeks. So be it.

"I don't want you to prove anything," he snapped right back. "I'm telling you this… I'm showing you this because you need to know. This is what I am. This is who I'm always going to be and it doesn't matter what I'm putting in that hole… there's always going to be something. Do you understand me?" He shot to his feet, hands splayed against the desktop. "So you tell me what you think I wanna hear. You know me well enough."

"I understand you better than you're giving me credit for." Missy bit back the need to scream, taking a deep breath. "You don't think I know what that's like? Son of a bitch. I know. I know what I'm into here, with you. Don't you get it? I'm not leaving you. I'm not walking away, I'm not looking away and pretending that everything is perfect because fuck, I know I'm not. But I own it, Jax. I own every fucking bit of it. So I think? You wanna hear me say what every one of those stupid bitches that you ran with before me did, promise you shit and then never follow through, and then just vanish when shit gets a little tough. Fuck that, and fuck them for being too weak to love a man like you. So sorry, you're not gonna hear that out of me."

Jackson chuckled bitterly, shaking his head. "Don't wanna hear another lie. Tell me you're coming to get me and then just leave me sitting there the whole fucking day instead. I don't want another goddamned promise. I want you to help me. That's what I'm asking for. That's why I told you we need to talk. I'm completely fucked, Missy. I can't do this on my own." He backhanded the little box, sending it and its contents crashing to the floor.

Her eyes followed the motions, then her gaze went back to catch his eyes. "You don't have to. Not ever again, Jax. I know...stupid old country song, stand by your man and all that. But I'm going to do it. We're going to get through this together." She paused, giving him a strange look. "And I needed to tell you that, Boss. What we have, it's real. For better or for worse, right?"

"There's no better with me," Jax replied, shaking his head, "just… varying shades of worse." It was pretty apparent how hard he was leaning on his arms for support by the way the tendons in his wrists and hands stood out. "I didn't take anything. I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"I know you think that." Missy moved, coming around the desk and touching his arm. "Sit down, I need to tell you something else." She didn't wait though, just kept talking. "You're wrong though. My whole life got better, with you in it. That's the damn truth. I had nothing worth living for, don't you get it?" She took a deep breath. "You though, Jax… you make me want to live. You make me want to wake up and see what every day is gonna have in it, because I've got you. You got all the way in, past everything I put up to stop that from happening. And you're the only one that could have. So… don't you tell me, there's just worse. No matter what."

He blinked at her, not even able to muster words past the lump in his throat, not really even aware that there were tears running down his face. "Miss…" he managed her name, but even that was hard work and it was worse than the night he'd confronted Lyv. So much worse because the last of the wall was crumbling and he had nothing to hide behind.

Missy gave him a little smile, her hands lifting up and wiping the tears off his cheeks. "Hey." Soft, and more gentle than she usually was able to muster. "Hey...Boss." That smile got a little crooked. "I know. No lines, remember?" She moved in enough that she could kiss him, softer too than those were, and she didn't draw back far when she broke it. "Ain't we a pair."

"Sure are."