August 3, 2015

(OFF CAMERA: The Foreshadowing is Real)

Down below, the lights of Times Square sparkled in the dark, screens lit up with a million different advertisements for shows she'd never heard of and products she'd never buy. Nessa stood there with her back to the gigantic hotel suite, one finger between her lips as she tapped her pink-painted nail against her teeth. She hadn't had the guts to set foot in Madison Square Garden, still trying to tell herself that parting ways with Femme Fatale Wrestling to focus on her Pride Championship had been the right decision. At the time, it had certainly felt like it. On nights like this, she was definitely having doubts. Actually, she was having doubts about almost everything these days, especially where her career was concerned.

CWF was a trainwreck. Abominable Bitchsauce had lost their last tag team match. She’d managed to turn Matt into a complete basketcase where seasonal allergies were concerned and now the entire roster had taken to using that as a way to make him look foolish. The worst part was that they hadn’t really had a good day in what felt like months. The only reason she’d insisted on coming along with him to New York was because she couldn’t stand another weekend spent alone in Toronto with her regrets.

The elevator opened up at a quarter past twelve and the Pride Champion stepped foot outside, heading straight to where his room was. They had only gotten the room for a day, Matt needing to be in Atlanta the following night for Uprising where Matt would meet Nessa’s former friend, Harmony. At least he assumed they weren’t friends anymore after what went down at Extreme Prejudice. He used the key he had to open the door and walk in, finding the blonde staring out the window. “Anything interesting out there?” he asked as he set his bag down on the floor, pulling off his hooded sweatshirt and dropping it carelessly on top of his now discarded bag.

“Always liked the view… it’s just so garishly American.” She turned around slowly, watching him. “Did Valentina win?”

“You didn’t watch the show?” He quickly answered back, finding it odd that anyone would turn up a chance to see him on television, even in a minor role. “Of course she did, you beat Jo, you know she can’t go.” He chuckled at his own rhyme.

“I…” she sighed, “no, I didn’t watch the show. I figured I’d save the money and not order it,” the excuse was there, as transparent as the window she’d been looking out. “I was going to. I just…” she shrugged. “I didn’t. I’d have only been watching for you anyhow… zero interest in anything else going on with any of those people.”

He nodded, sitting down on the edge of the bed as she spoke. “I get it, the majority of them are just awful. They just don’t have the pizazz that you or I bring to the table, you know? They just don’t have the sparkle sparkle sparkle, you know?”

She chuckled, “fuck yeah,” she couldn’t keep herself from smiling, “sparkle sparkle sparkle! And they really, really don’t. But then, I don’t really think I do either.”

He rose an eyebrow to her, wondering what she was going on about. “Why are you doubting if you have sparkle? You light up any room you enter.” With what should have seemed like quite a sweet thing to say lost some of its meaning with his matter of fact tone rather than one full of emotion.

The temptation to spark up the same old circular argument was there but she shook her head. “It’s nothing, Matt. I’m just feeling a little off tonight, I guess.”

“Want a hug?” he asked, the same tone in his voice from before, not even looking up at her as he asked it.

“No. I don’t really think that’s going to fix this.” She tucked her hair behind her ears, “I’m not sure I even want to go to Atlanta,” she almost blurted the words out, instantly regretting them.

“What?” He asked, looking up, obviously that got his attention. “I’m going to be dismantling that horrible woman who tried to come between us, that made you cry, why wouldn’t you want to see that live?”

“I do. Honest. I’m just so… the jetlag is going to be awful. And I… no. You’re right. I do want to see that live.” Secretly, deep down, she hoped Harmony missed her flight because she really didn’t know how she felt about the whole situation now. “I’m just feeling a little… off.”

“Oh,” Matt said, looking in her eyes for a few seconds as if trying to read her. “You’re not like, getting sick or something, are you?” He inquired, still checking her face for signs.

“Not that I know of,” Nessa replied, walking over to join him on the bed although she kept her distance, “I think I’m just tired. Or maybe it’s PMS. I’m not sure…” she waved it off, wishing she’d just kept her mouth shut about it, “I’ll be okay.”

“Okay…” He said, looking over at her for a moment. “Well we can take you out to get pampered on Monday if that would make you feel better?” he asked, reaching over to put his hand on her leg.

“Sure.” She nodded, “that would be great,” there was a definite lack of enthusiasm in her tone as she laid back on the bed, folding her arms behind her head. He didn’t pick up on her tone, just the words.

“That’s good, we’ll get you back to the Nessa we all know and love.” He said, pulling off his shirt and tossing it across the room towards his bag, it’d been a long day for him. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Uh huh. I’m just sick of losing things.” There was a definite double meaning in her words, “and it’s just really starting to wear on me. It’s no big deal, really.” The way she said it though, if he heard that little quiver in her voice, it was a big deal. Maybe the biggest.

“What are you losing? You mean that match? Cause I’m not thrilled about that one either. First Linda, then you, it was like a nightmare out there and then that fat oaf fell on me...not a good time, but we can bounce back, don’t worry about that, I always land on my feet. Like a cat, only not adorable...an angry cat.”

“Grumpy Cat?” She threw it out there, “at least you still have the belt. That’s something. I… don’t have anything lately but that wonderful embarrassment. First a face full of thumbtacks and then… well…”

“Don’t say it.” He interrupted her, shuddering at the thought. “We really need to find a way to stop that, you know.”

“Stop what?” She was actually confused.

“You know exactly what.” He said, glancing over to her, it was the same thing he was seemingly fixated on over the last month.

“Oh.” She sighed, falling silent again as she felt her heart sink, reminding her once again how worthless he could make her feel in an instant. “That.”

“Yes, that You know I love you or whatever, but seriously, thanks to your little outbursts other people are starting to do it now and it’s just...it’s not good.”

“I know,” she said softly, her voice small. “I…” biting her lip, she kept the words to herself. There were only so many ways she could apologise before it just started being three words tossed around without any sort of meaning. “Matt…”

Getting up from the bed, he headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face for the night, leaving the door open to continue their conversation. “Yeah babe?” He called out from inside, running the water to wet the bristles.

She closed her eyes, trying hard to keep her composure as her brain tried to pick apart everything he’d said, dissecting the sentences for some deeper meaning that left her on the verge of tears. “Good luck tomorrow,” she finally said, only because she felt obligated to fill the silence.

“Thanks,” he called out from the washroom, swishing the water in his mouth before spitting it out. “Are you having any conflicting feelings about your ex-friend entering the Danger Zone?” He asked upon walking back out to face her.

“Not at all.” She answered honestly, knowing that Harmony deserved everything that was coming to her, even if she’d actually been trying to help, as misguided as it was. “It’s funny, really. She just seems to keep getting all these high-profile matches. Mika and Lex at the Pay-Per-View and now this. I wonder who she’s cashing in favours with.”

“Probably Kyle, he’s a bit of a whore, truth be told, but he hasn’t done anything to me, so more power to him.” He says, heading over to the bed to see if she’s cheered up any. “Don’t forget about you, you have a huge match at Climax.” He added with a grin.

“A big match? Really?” She rolled her eyes, “I would never call Linda that… no, what I have at Climax is a joke. An embarrassment… and it’ll be over in at least twenty seconds!”

“Twenty seconds? That’d be a neat trick. In fact, if you beat Linda in twenty seconds, I owe you a Coke.” He said, walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at her. She was acting odd, even for her, but he couldn’t figure out what exactly.

“Make it a diet Pepsi, if it’s all the same. I don’t want to add any more flab to my thighs with the buckets of sugar they put in that carbonated swill.” She kept staring up at the ceiling, her mind still fixated on what he’d said about Kyle being a whore.

“For the record, I think your thighs are fine. Much like the rest of you, in fact, but a diet Pepsi it is.” He added, getting up off the bed and walking back out to look out the window she had originally been peering out of, not sure what he should be saying to her when she was acting like this.

As though she could feel his frustration, she tried to bridge the gap. “I’m sorry I’m being weird. It’s just being back here in New York, I think. Last time… remember the night of Harmony’s party? I guess I’m just feeling a little nostalgic. That’s all.”

Matt thought for a second, remembering that was the New Year’s Eve party where Mika was clinging to Nessa tighter than her dress. “Yeah, good times, eh?” He asked, staring down at the people on the street, he never did get used to people in New York being active at such an hour.

“It really was…” she said softly, turning her head to watch him. “Things seemed infinitely less complicated then.”

“How are they complicated now?” He asked, turning back to look at her. “Has anything really changed?”

“We have, I think.” Nessa sighed, sitting up slowly. “We’ve got the team now. You’ve got the Pride Championship. Mika’s gone. Harmony’s… well, she’s pretty much braided her own noose. It’s all different. But that night, the only thing that mattered to me was you. I wanted them to like you. I wanted them to see in you what I saw… the thing that drew me to you in the first place. And they never really did. I guess that’s what’s bothering me.”

“You can’t let the opinions of other people bring you down, Nessa; they don’t know anything about us. They think they do, and it’s in that ignorance that they jump to untrue conclusions and end up landing on nothing but air, plummeting to their own demise. It’s funny, really, that in trying to tell you that I’m not good for you, they’re actually saying how they themselves aren’t.”

“Maybe nobody’s good enough for me. Have you ever stopped to consider that?” Her tone was flat, her eyes fixed on him.

“By the looks of it, I tend to agree. No one is good enough to be your friend, thankfully, you have me and don’t need to worry about those sorts of people anymore. And tomorrow, I’ll make sure Harmony gets the message that she’s not even close to my level.”

“She isn’t. You’re good, sweetie. The best.” Matt turned to her, smiling, and she felt a little better at the sight of that.

“Now you’re making sense again.”

“She won’t know what hit her,” Nessa said softly, forcing a smile that she didn’t feel and hoping her eyes didn’t betray her. “And I’ll be right there, screaming my head off when you utterly decimate her. Now, how about you get in bed with me and I’ll make you forget all about today’s stress. How’s that sound?”

“So now you are coming?” He asked, getting a lot of mixed messages from Nessa. “Well good, I’ll get the flights sorted now.” He adds as he makes his way over to his previously discarded bag to retrieve his cell, ordering the plane tickets.

“Yeah.” She nodded, “I’m coming. Of course. I was just being… sorry, Matt. I’m being ridiculous. I wouldn’t miss it for the world, really.” That part she was actually sincere about. She wanted to see him fight Harmony and a little bitty part of her actually wanted to see Harmony pull off a giant upset. Not that she’d ever tell him that.

“Well that’s good.” He says, slowly walking back over to the bed, looking down at his phone. “Flight is in nine hours, shouldn’t be too hard to do.” He said, sitting down now on his side of the bed. “You have something to wear or should we go shopping?” He asked, dreading the answer.

“I’ve got something. Don’t worry.” She grabbed the pillow, fluffing it up before putting it behind her head, rolling over on her side to face him. “Matt, can I ask you something? Honestly? Seriously?”

“Yeah, of course.” He said, looking up from his phone to look into her blue eyes to show her she has his attention. “What is it?”

“Are you happy?” The question was pretty broad, blurted out like that. “I mean, in general. Is this what you want out of life? Your career?”

“Well no, not really. Pride title is great, of course, but I want more. Todd Williams has what I want and I will get it. Ask me then, alright?”

“Okay,” Nessa nodded. “I’ll make sure to then… so that’s your ultimate goal? The biggest prize in SVW?”

“Well yeah, if you’re not after the top prize in this business, why even be in it, right? What do you want out of your career, then?” He asked, looking confused.

“I wanted to be the best in the world, period. Not just in SVW… everywhere. I wanted to be a household name even outside our little circle. Now, I don’t really think that’s going to be a possibility. And I’ve resolved myself to that - I was over-reaching. That’s all. At this rate, I’ll get back on top. I’ll conquer the next mountain and then I’ll reset. That’s all I can do, right? One day at a time.” She sighed, looking away from him as though that level of honesty was embarrassing.

“Well then I suppose it’s good that we’re not both reaching for the same brass ring, right?” He said with a coy smile, though with her looking away it was easily missed. “Why the hard hitting questions all of a sudden, are you recording this for your next big interview?” He asks with a chuckle.

“Not quite. No.” She managed a chuckle of her own, shaking her head. “I was just wondering. Was thinking about it tonight… how FFW was part of my dream for so long and now I couldn’t even imagine going back. I guess I’ve just been thinking how things change over time. How the things you take for granted could just one day not even exist anymore.”

“You go back just as easily if you wanted to, I don’t think it’s changed all that much. You and Val could even team up if you wanted.” He said with a chuckle. “I’m sure you two would get along swimmingly.”

“I doubt that.” Nessa rolled her eyes with a sarcastic laugh, “I’m nowhere near that shallow.”

“Shallow?” he asked, raising his eyebrow. “What does that mean, exactly?” He inquired, wondering what she was implying.

“The way she wants people to call her ‘Goddess’... the whole ‘kiss my feet’ thing. It’s just… sad. That’s all. That she needs that much padding for her fragile little ego, I mean.”

“Well she’s not always like that, you’d know that if you ever talked to her. Why don’t you, by the way? Everytime I ask you say you’re busy.”

She stared at him for a few seconds. “Are you serious right now? You want me to play nice with her?”

“I don’t think you need to play, she really is a good person once you get to know her. Worst case, you can both bond over your mutual admiration of me.”

“Our mutual…” she made a disgusted face, shaking her head but the words wouldn’t stay inside, “no, see… I don’t think I can actually bring myself to do that, Matthew-- I don’t think that little bitch actually appreciates anything you’ve done for her. I honestly think she’s using you, just like Kaylee was… leeching off your fame.”

That caused Matt to pause for moment, considering her statement. It is true that Kaylee had done that, using him to get ahead. Could Val be doing that as well? She could be, but then again… "You can't deny that you've gotten more popular with me around, it's just a side effect of my presence, not necessarily the goal."

“Have I?” Nessa asked, shaking her head. “Maybe… I suppose. I thought it was winning most of the time… perhaps having that belt around my waist. Although, I suppose my dismal failures in Future Shock and FFW in general are sufficient proof of your thesis. Sadly.”

He resisted the urge to point out he played a hand in her title reign and in the majority of her recent victories, but it wasn't easy. "I'm not saying it's all me, of course. Val was also successful before our arrangement. You don't feel threatened, do you?"

“Would it actually matter if I did?”

"Of course it would, I mean it would leave you up for some mocking, but it would matter. You're Nessa Wall, who could threaten you?"

Mocking? Really? She felt a flare of irritation at that. “I’m not allowed to feel insecure because I’m Nessa Wall? What does that even mean?” Before he could answer that, she sighed. “Nevermind. I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut then.” She rolled back over on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

"It means you're everything that anyone sane would be looking for. Supportive, driven, insightful, gorgeous of course, you know, all that good stuff." He said, watching her count the ceiling tiles. "I'm sure I've told you that before." He added, glancing down at his phone again.

“You have.” The words came out softly, “but it doesn’t change how I’m feeling inside. I…” she trailed off, finding herself at a surprising loss for words. “Maybe I just need a match to focus on. Someone in the crosshairs and I’ll be okay. I’ll have purpose again outside of being your cheering section-- not that there’s anything wrong with that, honest. But I didn’t spend years training just to lurk at ringside during matches, you know?”

"There's always Linda," he said laughing. "But I know what you mean. If it cheers you up any, I think you're sexy when you're lurking." He adds, looking over to see if that gets any reaction from the seemingly depressed Snarktopus.

It got a little laugh from her, the hint of a smile as she turned her head to look at him. “Thanks.”

“You know you are. Now, what’s actually got you upset, ‘cause I’m having a hard time believing that you’re down because you think you’re not my special lady, you are the only one in my room, remember?”

“It’s nothing specific,” she hedged, “I’m just feeling generally blah. About everything. Life. Myself. The business. It’s all piling on and I’m feeling a little crushed under the weight. And when I have people like Dan Pollaski saying I’m nothing more than a bit player in the Matt Stone story to maintain some feminist quota… things like that stick in my head and they hurt, okay? I don’t want people to see me as an extension of you.”

“So to clarify, you’re taking something said by an obvious seeker of attention to heart and letting it affect you this deeply? Nessa, you’re smarter than that, he’s bitter because we outfoxed him. We did, remember, not me. You are an extension of me though, just as I am of you. Kinda how this whole thing works, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I guess.” She looked at him again, realizing how bad that came off, “well, I know it is. I’m just… if that asshole thinks I’m some worthless throwaway puppet, who else does and just is too afraid to speak up? Obviously the Ragnals think I’m a joke. That’s funny, really… considering neither one can BUY A WIN in that ring. I want them to respect me, Matthew. That’s the thing. I want to be respected. By them, sure…. but most of all by you.”

“Me?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. “You think I don’t respect you? What makes you think that?” He inquired, looking in her eyes. “It takes a lot of effort to put up with me, of course I respect you.” He added with a smirk, trying to cheer her up.

Until that point, she’d only suspected it. Now, with him trying to brush it off with a joke, she felt it very deeply as being true. In the effort of keeping from the fight going around full-circle and starting over again, she swallowed back everything she was feeling, putting on a small smile she knew was convincing enough as she looked at him. “I know where I stand in your eyes. Don’t worry.”

“Good,” he said, relieved that that was settled. “Other people, they don’t know you like I do and if they don’t respect you? Then they don’t deserve to get to know you. It’s as simple as that.” He said reassuringly, or as reassuringly as he can while typing something on his phone.

She watched him typing for a second, feeling a sinking in the pit of her stomach. “I’m tired and we’ve got a big day of travel ahead tomorrow. I think I’ll go take a nice hot bath. Maybe that’ll help.”

“Couldn’t hurt.” He offered, leaning up against the headboard of the bed as he glanced over at Nessa. “I’ll be here when you’re done, I’ll always be here.” He says, lingering on her gaze for a few moments before returning to his phone.

She sat up and swung her legs over the side, actually having to hop down to the floor because the bed was so big they didn’t actually reach. Biting her lip, she made it into the bathroom and closed the door, leaning back against it before she whispered a few words to herself that she knew he wouldn’t hear over his preoccupation. “Yeah, well I might not be.”