August 12, 2015

"OW!" The room was strobing in and out of focus, my ears ringing so loud I was having flashbacks to those humid woods and those cicadas in the trees when I was ten. That was the first time I'd actually felt completely overwhelmed, that huge wall of scary insect sound and those things were – SMACK!

"Mmmpfh..." I think I bit right through my tongue AND OH MY GOD I TASTE BLOOD! "YOU BITCH!" It came out muffled, tears blurring my vision as I looked up to see two of her and now I don't know if I'm weepy because that legitimately hurt or because I'm just drifting into that depression that's been pretty much my best friend for the last few months. Six of one, half a dozen of probably needing to go to the doctor and get a scrip for something.

"You had one chance and you blew it. Give me your phone."

"What the hell did you hit me with?"

Kitty stood there with her eyes narrowed, holding out the hand she'd probably used to slap me in the back of the head. It was probably those damned rings of hers and a part of me wonders why she's wearing her wedding set when being declared legally dead means she's not really Alexander Stryfe's wife any longer. "Give me your phone, Ness."

White-hot righteous anger flooded in, making my head feel even fuzzier. "Seriously... did you waffle me with a chair or something? That really hurt!"

"Your phone. Now."

"Wait. No." And just like that, we're onto the next stage: bargaining. "Please. I didn't... I mean... I won't. It was just... Kitty, please. Please don't make me... I was going through my old photos on the cloud, deleting all the stuff and I found that one and he was so cute. I had to post it. We placed racquetball and he was..." oh my God. I can hear myself rambling, almost blubbering and she's still holding out her hand like that ice queen bitch I'd always wished I could be. For a while though, I filled her void. I slipped into those hand-me-down Louboutins and I was fucking fierce. I wore that Bitchsauce name with pride and now I'm sitting here on this hotel mattress like some broken teenager, surrounded by dirty snotrags and empty Ben & Jerry's cartons.

"Cold turkey," she snapped, wiggling her fingers. "Now give it to me."

"I'll be good. Please... can I just..." the tears are falling and my throat is closing up. All I can think about are his arms around me and how good he smelled that first night we ever fell into bed together. "I can't do this. I... I love him, Kitty. I do and I know that makes me pathetic and weak and—"

"No," Kitty sat down on the bed, reaching out to pluck the phone from my hands. "It makes you human, little sister," I'd started to reach for the iPhone, desperate to grab it back before that nickname penetrated. She hasn't called me that since I told her I wanted to marry her brother and she was all then you'll be my little sister because I'm taller and we laughed and laughed. Life was simpler then, more cut-and-dried. I wanted to be the best damn sports journalist out there because I thought I'd never be able to compete on that level. Bad ankles. Boobs too big. I had so many excuses but the truth was, I'd given up at the first sign of resistance. When it got too hard, I—

SNAP! Fingers in my face.

"Earth to Nessie."

My cell phone's vanished somewhere. Maybe in her pocket but most likely stuffed into her cleavage and there's a look of concern on Kitty's face that takes me back to another night on another hotel room bed, arms around each other, crying our eyes out because we just got the news.

"I miss him," the words are blurted, the tears still coming and I don't really know if I mean Robby or Matt Stone or Matt Ford or Brad Jackson. They're all the same, really. Selfish assholes. Everyone has a type, right?

"I know, honey. That's why you're here... you can do this. You're stronger than you think and you're better—"

"Please don't tell me I'm better off without him."

Kitty rolled her eyes. Classic Kitty. "I was going to say, you're better off alone than completely miserable. And, really, how is this any different? He isolated you, Ness. He cut you off from everyone you were close to and I think the only reason he never pulled that junk between us is that he had no idea about our history."

"I just wanna..." God, it hurts and I can't keep the words in. Like verbal vomit they have to break out of my mouth, "I just wanna find the right person so I can be happy."

She lifts her hand like she's going to slap me again. "See? That's what you're doing wrong. Be happy, Ness. You don't need someone else to dictate that. Just be... well... you."

I bury my face in the pillow, turning away from her truth because it's too much right now. "I don't know how," and now I'm whining, on the verge of a full-on Britney meltdown. "I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I am without him, Kitty. I can't... I... I can't..."

"You can." She shoves the trash off the bed to the floor, laying down beside me. "And with my help, you will. I promise you that, okay?"

I nod. What other choice do I have than to trust the only friend I have left?