002 [vs Cheesecake]

It all started with an oversight or maybe it was better to call it a lapse in judgement. She wasn't the most tech savvy, after all. It had taken her weeks to buy a laptop for herself. Reading all the specs and all these reviews had netted her no further knowledge on the subject because the alphabet soup meant nothing. 3.4 GHz and SD DDRM and she was seeing double so she'd just bought the pretty blue one and called it good enough. It had a screen. It worked well enough to get into her blog and it had keys to pound and it could do Twitter and Facebook and all that social media garbage that was so expected these days. She'd never bothered to remove that notification. She'd never even thought about it because the more distance she put between the memories of Boston and then Louisiana, the more May through August felt like a distant dream. She'd hit the denial stage and thrown herself headlong into that. When the anger had come, it had been in the ring against Kesley Spencer and the PAW crowd had eaten it up. They'd wanted her to be fierce – they'd eaten it right up. They wanted her to be as fiery as her hair and she didn't know the first damn thing about it but jumping into the deep and doing her best to keep from drowning had always been her thing. So she'd milked it and had started winning, started gaining a following, started finding traction to move out of the mental rut she'd been in.

She'd settled into a better routine. She'd moved in with Vinny and had completely torn the pages from her book - those three months hadn't happened. She'd relocated to Charlotte and the movers were coming on the weekend with the rest of the boxes but it didn't matter because it was already like a honeymoon of sorts. It was a new beginning with different walls and different smells and his sweater was packed in a box that was stuffed in the closet that didn't really matter because it didn't smell like him anymore.

And then his name popped up on her notifications. Almost four months and she'd convinced herself it was over. There was nothing left.

Nope. Nothing at all – well, except everything – the weight of those buried emotions slammed into her like a Mack truck.



Her heart sank. Her chest ached. Her hands shook and she had to look at it. She had to see and then she was typing a reply and it hadn't even been more than a minute but that burning desire was there and it matched the burning in her eyes. He replied. Right away. Dropping a sort of pet name she didn't remember him ever using before, one that made tears fill her eyes right away.

Kiddo.

Jackson used to call her that. WBR used to call her that, right after he tousled her hair or gave her a fake punch on the shoulder. That wasn't the sort of name you dropped on someone you- "no," she mouthed the word. He wasn't back for her. That much was clear. He wouldn't have posted some random message in the aether of the Internet if that were the case. A little after midnight and here she was, crying her eyes out over her ex-boyfriend. Was he even that? Maybe she'd done the same thing she'd done with Lex. Maybe they were just friends – with benefits – and she'd imagined the rest. Maybe what happened in London was just a dream. Maybe he'd never actually said he loved her. Maybe she'd said it first. She couldn't remember and now it seemed like it was vital information.

She texted Kelsey because she didn't know what else to do and the panic was setting in. She hadn't even registered that Vinny was watching her from the doorway. Her eyes were locked on the phone, on that tiny screen and she was flipping back and forth between windows, begging Kelsey not to say anything. The conversation turned private, and she was struggling to figure out the tone, looking for the subtext behind every word that he sent and the tears were falling steadily. Hot and ugly but she just laid down on the couch, letting them run in her ears.

He didn't come back for you.

That truth was there in every word, smacking her in the face and she hated herself for feeling this low. Within a few messages, she was almost begging him for some scrap of feeling and it was like that first dinner all over again, all those awkward missteps until she felt like she'd completely blown everything.

Kiddo. Fucking kiddo. What does that mean? Is that affection? Is that him slapping on a label? Is that him putting up the wall again, shoving you back to arm's length?

"Goddamnit," she swore, biting her lip because the way she'd said it in that moment was the same way Ak had done so many times. That sheer frustration in her voice and she hated herself so damn much right now. Nothing had changed despite how it looked on the surface. She was still twisted up, still head over heels for the latest guy who hadn't bothered to stay.

You deserve better.

Those words cut deep. She knew they weren't true. She was garbage through and through. Vinny deserved better. He deserved someone who could love him with their whole heart, not pine after the asshole who would always up and leave whenever it suited him.

Kelsey had stirred the pot and nothing had come of it. She still didn't know if the man on the other end of that conversation was struggling just as much as she was. He'd agreed to meet her when he came back to the States and for the moment that had to be enough.

"I can't do this," she whispered, pressing the phone against her chest as she tried to get a handle on all those emotions she'd done her best to bury since August. From the corner of her eye she thought she saw something but when she looked up the doorway was empty.

She was alone.