003 [vs Katie Anderson]

I’ll bring back your sweater.

She could still see those words she’d typed on her phone, the last incoherent and borderline idiotic thing she’d said in the private conversation that she’d since deleted. And of course it had been freezing cold on the plane and she’d pulled it out of that tie-dyed backpack of hers that usually contained her wrestling gear, putting it on. Now as she wandered through the airport with a nearly-cold cup of Starbucks in her hand, she couldn’t quite cope with the thought of giving it up even if it was barely symbolic at this point. It was just a worn out hoodie, after all. Not the holy grail. Not the key to his existence or the reason he’d finally decided to come back to the United States after five months away.

Kasey sighed, glancing at the digital board. His flight was on time, according to the letters marching across the display. It had just landed. Provided he was on it, of course. With her luck these days, that wasn’t a given.

Vinny had no idea she was here and if he knew he would have probably insisted on coming. There was enough strain already without borrowing trouble so she’d spun a little white lie. Told him that she needed to have a checkup with her specialist to make sure her neck was still okay. And of course, she’d had to make good on that. She’d had to sell it so she’d actually gone ahead and scheduled it because the doctor was in Miami, after all. That part was true. So was the part where she actually still technically held the deed to a vacant lot where her dream home was supposed to be built but nobody needed to know about yet another thing she’d collected from her failed relationships over the years. Depending how the conversation with Ak went, maybe she wouldn't go home. The thought was fleeting, bringing a sad smile to her face. She took a long drink of the coffee, not even caring that the sugar had all re-solidified at the bottom. She’d need it to get through this after the last few sleepless nights...

The man they call Akragth stood from his seat, stretching back to his full height for the first time in a few hours. Casting an eye back to his seat, back to the window that had kept him company on his journey, he grunted, dismayed at himself for feeling the need to look back.

But then, that was the theme of the day, wasn’t it? How long had it even been since he’d last seen her? He had left, firm in the idea that it was the best thing for her. Certain that it was necessary. He had gone home, back to the UK, with goals in mind. Or had he run away? BFW’s demise scarcely mattered to him, and his short lived time at PAW mattered even less. But he had been tired, so very tired.

And now? Hard to say. Perhaps it was just time for him to return. To do what? Well, ain’t that the question. But before that could be answered he had to deal with Kasey. Which lead to him feeling something strange...apprehension? Nervousness? Whatever it was, he didn’t like it.

Finally free of the plane, he strode toward the arrivals, knowing that Kasey would be there. He had zero doubt, not even the hint of doubt, that she might not have shown up. He could see her now, standing...no, pacing, nervous, checking her time, thinking a thousand thoughts. The thought of her brought a smile to his face, and that smile in turn brought a frown. Why did thinking about her make him smile? Stupid, stupid.

Ak showed his passport and was allowed entry, his grandiose return to the USA. He looked through the arrivals, lowering his shades for a better view. It was hardly a crowded fanfare - hell, nobody seemed to know him - and that was just fine.

The vast crowd of the airport moved incoherently, randomly darting from side to side. He scanned, slowly taking in his surroundings. And then he saw her, coffee cup in hand, looking up at the board. She stood...then sat, and he smiled again. The smile turned back to a frown and he shook it off. He closed in, simply standing there, staring at her, any planned introduction cast aside in the moment.

“...hey.”

She froze, almost flinching at the sound of his voice. How had she missed seeing him walking over? Oh God, you idiot. His shadow fell over her and she shot to her feet, the now-empty cup flying out of her hand to strike him in the chest. Her blue eyes were wide behind the glasses, surprise battling with dismay as she looked up into the eyes that had haunted both her dreams and nightmares. “Uhhh…hey.”

He watched the cup as it fell harmlessly to the floor, his eyes flicking back up to her face, greeting her with a cold, slow shake of the head. “Okay, that was a strange way to greet me.”

“It slipped,” Kasey said softly, biting her lip as she looked away. She’d had this all planned out in her head, how she was going to sucker punch him the moment he walked up and it was going to be every bit as epic as the movies. Instead, like usual, she’d made herself look idiotic in the space of ten seconds.

“...you look good.” He cringed internally at the sheer awkwardness of things straight off the bat. “What I mean is you...well, anyway.”

“Was the flight okay?” She tried, bless her heart, she tried so very hard to keep her voice level, forcing a bright smile as she unzipped the hoodie she had on. “Were you stuck sitting beside someone awful or were you lucky enough to get that window seat all to yourself? My flight was practically empty which I thought was kinda weird given I was going from freezing cold North Carolina to Florida but… I guess middle of the week after New Years maybe everyone’s busy hitting the gym and working on their resolutions and stuff?” She only stopped because she ran out of air otherwise she would have kept right on rambling off inane questions until the world came to an end.

He found himself smiling, forgetting the frown that had masked it. It faded as he realised it. “The flight was fine. I had nobody next to me, nice window seat. Boring, but that’s how flying goes.” Reaching up, he brushed a hand through his hair. “This is more awkward than I thought it might be.”

Kasey nodded, taking that particular comment to heart. “I guess I just don’t know what to say to you anymore.” Shrugging out of the oversized sweatshirt, she held it out to him, “I brought it. Like I said I was going to. Maybe… here,” she pushed it into his hands. “This was a really, really bad idea and I should just go.”

“If that’s what you want…” He looked down at the sweater - it felt unfamiliar, like it now belonged to her, not him. Looking back up to her, he met her with a shrug. “I didn’t make you come here, I won’t stop you if you want to leave.”

“Right.” She snapped the word, taking a step back from him, “that’s pretty much what I thought. I just had to know for sure… you know… before I did something stupid and threw it all away,” her voice cracked. “It’s better to know the truth. I’m sure someone famous said that once.” Her eyes were welling with tears as she turned to pick up her bag from the seat.

He shrugged, frustration clearly painted across his face. “What do you want me to say, Kasey?” He waited, but there was no immediate answer. “It’s not like I’ve said I don’t want to see you, is it?”

“It’s not like you’ve really said it either.” Her voice came out soft but she still didn’t turn around, instead fiddling with the backpack’s strap. “But we don’t talk about things like that. We never really did. I just showed up on your doorstep, overstayed my welcome and you were too nice to tell me to fuck off when I tagged along to Purity so...”

“So...what? You think that’s what happened? You want to just break it down to something so simplistic, hmm?” He sat in the nearest seat, entirely disregarding the guy sat beside him and resting his head into his hands, coincidentally picking up a strong scent of Kasey from the shirt he was holding. “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry?”

“Everything is simple when you break it down to its basics. You went home. I didn’t have that luxury and you didn’t… it wasn’t like when you told me about the job with PAW. It wasn’t like you wanted me to ask about it. I don’t want you to tell me you’re sorry, Ak.” It was the first time she’d actually said his name out loud since he’d come back to Twitter and it was painful. “I don’t want to hear lies after the fact. I just wanted to see you one last time. For me.” She cast a look in his direction and then to the man sitting on the other side of him. “Oh fuck off… stop eavesdropping, you creeper.”

“Lies...right.” He sat back, looking up at the ceiling. “I guess that’s fair. So that’s what this was? You come here, tell me everything I’ve done wrong, like I don’t have a clue? Was this just so you could get your anger off your chest?” He paused, slowly nodding. “Well I deserve it, it’s not like I’m saying I don’t.” The guy beside Ak stood to move, catching Ak’s eye and grunting at him, a face of disgust. Ak returned the gesture with a scowl. “Yeah, you fuck off pal.”

The moment the guy was out of earshot, she shoved her bag to the floor because the urge to hit him was unbelievably strong. “You know what I want?” She didn’t even give him a chance to try and answer, sitting down and immediately folding her arms across her chest. “Start simple. Tell me something. Anything. I don’t care what it is.”

Still staring at the ceiling, he took a second to answer, running his tongue of his lips before he spoke. “About what?”

“About…” she sighed, turning her head to look at him, “you really don’t get it, do you? I’m like all those other idiots who dog you online 24/7. Stuck in a groove, repeating the same thing over and over and I honestly think Zombie is right in a way. You break things you touch - you know that though, don’t you?”

He scoffed. “That what you think, that Zombie is right? That I’m some insidious monster?” He shrugged, but never moved to look at her. “Maybe he’s right. Does it even matter anymore? The question now becomes why the fuck do you care? You’ve got Vinny. You’ve got a job. You should be at home, being happy. Instead you’re here, throwing cups at me and reminding me of my ever failure. So what does this achieve? A display of your anger? I didn’t need to see you in person to know you’re angry.”

“I swear to God I wanna hit you so bad right now.” It took all her effort to keep from standing up and shouting obscenities at the top of her lungs. “Like you have no idea how satisfying that would be. Really show you…” she muttered under her breath, “what I learned,” before letting out another exasperated breath. “You’re not a monster. You’re goddamned infuriating - Vinny doesn’t even know I came here to see you because I didn’t want to see that look on his face. I didn’t want to look into that fucking mirror again and see the disappointment that comes with loving the wrong person. And that, Mr. Smartypants… Mr. Big Scary Monster… that’s why I’m here. Not to gloat or rub it in or make you feel as worthless as everyone made me feel, okay? Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you?”

“Hitting me won’t make it better, Kasey.” He sat forward, looking down at the ground. “I understand you. So you want to know why I went? Why I went alone? Fine, I’ll tell you...” He took a moment to muster the words, scowling at one particular tile on the ground.

She followed his gaze, trying to see what he was so annoyed with. “I'm listening,” she finally said, breaking the silence. “Tell me. Please?”

He took in a huge breath, slowly exhaling it again. “Truth is that I went home to...because...she’s gone, Kasey.” He clenched his fists. “My mother, I mean. It was slow, painful, horrid. And it’s made me realise that everything I’ve done, all the pain and the hurt I’ve forced onto others, none of that means anything. Nothing I’ve ever done means anything. Do you understand me? My mother is gone and the rest of it is bullshit.”

He stood, looking back and looming over her, his pain hidden beneath anger - as was his usual way. “And now that she’s gone, I’m back here, running away from home as always. Looking to start something that I might, just might, not actually completely fuck up. But instead I’m greeted by you, someone who I made a huge mistake with, a reminder of how little it all means, of how much of a fuck up I am.”

He threw the sweater down into the chair he had been sat in and ran his hand over his mouth. “So there, now you have it; the answer you wanted so badly.”

For a few seconds she sat there, unblinking, choking now on that righteous anger that had felt so damned justified in the face of all those excuses she’d manufactured to explain his absence. Never once had she stopped to consider it might be something like this and the way he’d flung the words at her had been so telling. Like he wanted her to feel them, rather than simply hear. “Oh…” it came out as a barely audible whisper, her eyes brimming with tears all over again. “You’re not a monster. I am.” The realisation hit her hard, how selfish and childish she’d been over the last couple weeks. Looking up, she bit her lip, forcing herself to make eye contact. “I would have been there for you. If I’d known.”

He sat down again, deflated, and sighed. “You were supposed to just forget about me. I didn’t want to put you through the crap I went through. Maybe I’m selfish, a coward, but...fuck!” He shook his head. “I didn’t do it because I didn’t want you anymore, okay? I just thought I was doing the right thing.”

Her hand was on his arm before she could stop herself from touching him. “Ak, I get it. Okay? I do… and I just… I didn’t tell anyone you left then. I really didn’t. I just told them it was mutual and that we…” her breath hitched, “we just parted ways. Because I was sick of them tearing you down all the time.” She paused for a second, giving his arm a gentle squeeze, “doing the right thing? Since when’s that something you do, huh?”

“...since you showed me that there’s more to life than anger and just...pain.” He gripped her hand back. “I guess it’s ironic. You’re the person who showed me that, and then I just hurt you anyway. I just acted and I guess I expected you to just hate me and then move on and forget.”

“Funny how that goes, isn’t it?” She shook her head, a sad smile on her lips, “anyone else I might have. I did… I have and I just…” she trailed off, helpless.

“I get it, you want closure. You want to go home to Vinny and be happy. I just don’t know what to tell you here.” He placed his elbow on the arm of the chair, rubbing his forehead. “Tell me what I should say?”

“I don’t want closure.” There was steel in her voice now, “you still think that’s why I’m here, don’t you? Even after everything I’ve said… fine. I’ll spell it out for you.” She lifted her hand to his cheek, leaning in close like she was going to kiss him. From a distance, it probably looked a lot like she was as she whispered close to his ear, “I want you.”