REBELLION SEGMENT: OAD June 3, 2015
Apr 25, 2017 22:41:03 GMT -5
Post by Admin on Apr 25, 2017 22:41:03 GMT -5
The 99 Problems Productions logo stands tall briefly with the SVW logo stamped on it. And from there, we come in on the view of the crowd milling around outside the Coliseo de Puerto Rico while the words RECORDED EARLIER TODAY flash across the bottom of the screen. Nessa Wall walks into view, running her hand along a red velvet rope that appears to be set up alongside the crowd waiting to get inside the arena for tonight’s edition of Aggression. She’s dressed to the nines in a sexy blue strapless sundress that accentuates every curve. Grinning, she lifts a microphone to her lips, drawing the attention from some of the SVW fans.
Nessa: Greetings, peons. Once again, I’m here in the utmost professional capacity to do what I do best-- well, next to dominating inside the ring, that is. This afternoon, I’ve got the distinct pleasure of being out here with these morons, asking the hard-hitting questions where they pertain to the most important man in all of professional wrestling, the one and only greatest Pride Champion ever, Matt Stone.
With that lovely introduction, the Pride Champion walks into view, his pride and joy, pun fully intended, draped over the shoulder of his Shut Me Up T-shirt, faded jeans demonstrating how casual he finds this event to be as he joins Nessa, more and more people in the lineup are taking notice, some of them already booing at the very sight of Abominable Bitchsauce.
Matt: You flatter me as always, and might I say you are the finest looking interviewer in the history of this business?
He gives the Snarky Shiva a once over, shaking his head at how incredible she looks. She beams at the compliment, blushing slightly.
Nessa: This is an important occasion-- it warrants dressing up. It’s not every day I get to interview one of the greatest legends in the business on the eve of such an epic and important battle, after all.
Matt nods, adjusting the title ever so slightly on his shoulder.
Matt: That’s right, all of these people that you see before you are in for a real treat, not only will they get to see the same great action that every Aggression brings, but at the end, they’re going to see a war break out between two titans in this company, two men who claim to be something but there can only be one true champion and tonight, we find out that it’s me.
Nessa: Well obviously. You’re the only man fit enough to be called champion.
She winks at him, the pun very obvious. He smiles, enjoying that quite much.
Matt: Well there are some standards that should be met when discussing great things like champions, and that is certainly one of them. Being someone for the people is another, and that’s why we’re out here, to let all these idiots know that in some small, small way, they really do matter to us, don’t they, Ness?
Nessa: But of course. I mean, without them, we wouldn’t be…... making nearly as much money.
Winking, she turns to the overweight man standing directly across from them, immediately wrinkling her nose as though she smells something foul.
Nessa: You, sir. Which side are you on in this debate?
The man speaks with a thick accent, but his simple words are easy to understand
Juan: What debate? Pollaski’s gunna crush that guy!
Matt walks up beside Nessa, looking at this man for a few seconds.
Matt: Okay, I misspoke, the majority of these people mean something, but this guy? He means nothing, clearly uneducated even for the low standards set in this third world island, I’m not even sure if this is a country or not.
Juan: We’re what we wanna be and you’re a loser!
The man chuckles, finding this to be the funniest thing ever as he nudges the next guy in line who doesn’t even look like he knows him. The Snarktopus rolls her eyes and takes a step away from the Puerto Rican version of George Lopez. Instead she looks at a girl in line wearing a Ladder Fu t-shirt.
Nessa: Well clearly this woman has far more discriminating tastes, judging by her choice in attire. What about you, miss? Who do you think is going to win tonight’s most eagerly anticipated match?
Matt also seems interested in this woman, coming over with Nessa to get a better look and away from Senior Ding Dong. The woman just looks at Nessa, showing signs of not understanding what she was saying.
Juanita: Que?
Nessa: Ugh. DO. YOU. THINK. MATTHEW…
She gestures at Stone, emphasizing every word like she’s speaking to a child.
Nessa: WILL. BEAT. SHAMU?
The woman starts answering in her native tongue, Matt nodding up and down as she spoke like he understood what she was saying, though he was clearly not looking up at her face.
Matt: She’s got a point, ya know…
Some of the people around were yelling things at him, but he was completely oblivious to the masses. The woman finished speaking and nodded her head as if to put a fine point on what was likely a very thought provoking answer.
Nessa: Uh… sure.
She turns back to Matt and notices him checking out the woman, elbowing him as she turns back towards the crowd with a sunny smile.
Nessa: And there you have it. One vote for each. I suppose we need a tiebreaker now, don’t we?
Once again, she selects a fan at random, this one a middle aged man who looks like he might actually be an American tourist, what with his Hawaiian shirt and Ray Bans.
Nessa: Good afternoon, sir. I’d like to introduce you to the greatest professional wrestler in all of SVW. You’re so lucky that he took time from his busy schedule to come out here and grace you with his presence--
Jorge: He’s a no good cheat, he is!
Nessa: Excuse me? You watch your mouth when you’re talking to your betters!
Jorge: He’s no better than a bug on the street, I tell ya!
Matt quickly wraps his arm around Nessa’s waist and pulls her down the line a bit. Addressing the camera, he covers his tracks well.
Matt: That man has clearly had a bit too much to drink already, wouldn’t be right to put him on television.
The closer they get towards the head of the line, the more Nessa seems to be wrinkling her nose and it probably has everything to do with the perfectly manicured garden and the freshly cut grass just a few feet away but she still has her game face on as she doggedly approaches yet another Puerto Rican SVW fan, this one a good looking man who seems to be in his late twenties.
Nessa: Hi there. I’m--
Manuel: I know who you are, how you doin? You’re lookin fine out here mama.
Nessa: I… uh… I’m doing well. Listen, we’re here trying to settle a tie on who’s going to win tonight between Matt Stone and Daniel Pollaski. Do you have an educated opinion on that subject? Sadly, the rest of these idiots didn’t.
The man doesn’t appear all that interested in the interview, but the camera is able to pick up on him getting a good look at Nessa, even going out of his way to see as much of her as he can.
Manuel: How about we blow this place and I can answer any questions you have back at my place?
Matt steps in here, cutting in right between them.
Matt: First of all buddy, her eyes are up here and that better be the only place you look if you don’t want to spend the night in the hospital!
Manuel: Whoa Esse, back off homie, I’m just talking to the lady…
Matt: You’re talking to Nessa Wall, MY Nessa Wall and if you don’t show her some respect I’m going to start an international incident, capeche?
She tugs on Matt’s arm, trying to get him away from the fight that’s seconds from happening but the two men are glaring at each other angrily.
Nessa: Matt… don’t.
Finally, she manages to tug him away, sniffling softly before she quickly twitches her nose, glancing around.
Nessa: Ugh. Hyacinths.
Approaching another patron closer to the front, this time she chooses a casually dressed girl with rainbow-coloured hair.
Nessa: Hi there. I don’t suppose you’re here tonight, eager to witness the match against Matt Stone and Dan Pollaski that you very obviously voted on, being a gigantic SVW fan and all?
Esmerelda: Uhh, hello? Like, of course I am! It’s only like, the best match to see tonight.
She starts blowing a bubble out of her gum, letting it pop and begins chewing it again as the Pride Champion finally stops staring a hole in the patron that was checking out his girl. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a tissue, handing it to Nessa, seeing her start to react to the “great outdoors”. Nessa takes it and delicately dabs at her nose before handing it back, mouthing ‘thank you’.
Nessa: Well clearly it is. I mean who wants to see any of this other garbage on the card? And you’re obviously rooting for the greatest Pride Champion of all time, right?
Esmerelda: Uhh, like, hello? The greatest Pride champion isn’t even like, wrestling tonight, okay? But that guy? Oh yeah, he’s going to get crushed and we all, like, paid to see that happen. It’s going to be like, totes awesome!
Matt pockets the tissue handed to him and tilts his head to the side, looking at this girl.
Matt: You can’t be serious. What are you, crazy?
Esmerelda: Uhh, you’re the one who’s Crae crae! Pollaski’s going to like, totally destroy you and your little girlfriend can like, so watch you lose too, it’s going to be per-fect!
Nessa’s eyes are narrowed as she glares at the girl. If looks could kill…
Nessa: Excuse you… that’s just the most preposterous-ah…
Her nose twitches but she carries on.
Nessa: That’s the most ludicrous thing anyone has ever said. Daniel Pollaski had the deck stacked in his favour UNTIL the match stipulations were changed. Hello, sweetcheeks, but with the No DQ rules, Matthew clearly has the edge going into this contest.
Esmerelda: You like, don’t get to be the Chaos champion if you can’t take a few hits, dumb blondey!
Matt: Don’t talk to her like that, she’s smarter than this entire line up and she can pull it off without dying her hair a thousand colours!
Nessa stares back and forth between the two, looking as though she wants to interject, but her eyes are watering and she’s very obviously trying not to sneeze.
Esmerelda: Pishaw, it’s clearly seven colours, how do you expect to like, beat Daniel Pollaski if you like, can’t even count?
Matt: I can count! I can’t believe out of the thousands of people in line that we happen to find the most useless, uneducated, back talking hicks in all of wherever the hell we we are, I don’t even know! I boarded a plane and flew here, but I didn’t bother learning the name of it because you’re all so insignificant! Look at you, you can barely speak english, the last guy couldn’t stop oogling Nessa, the one before was drunk, one before that couldn’t speak a word of MY language and now YOU, Rainbow Dash, are trying to teach me how to count? This is absurd!
Nessa has completely lost control of this impromptu interview, her nose wrinkling as she tries in vain to wipe away the tickle with her finger. She opens her mouth as though she’s about to interject but the girl cuts in again.
Esmerelda: Uhh, are you like, having a meltdown, or whatever?
Matt: Please shut up.
Esmerelda: Like, seriously, are you okay guy?
Matt: Oh do shut up.
Esmerelda: That’s just rude-
Matt: OH I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T SHUT UP!
Esmerelda: Like, shut me up.
Nessa’s eyes widen at that, her face turning red. People in the crowd start laughing at that, Matt is clearly getting flustered at this point, his face turning red as well.
Matt: You don’t get to say that to me, you hear me? I say that to people like you, and to make matters worse…
The Snarktopus turns towards her beau, opening her mouth as she gestures vaguely and then…
Nessa: AHHHHCHOOOO!
The sneeze breaks free, unleashed all over the Pride Championship belt over Matt’s shoulder. Nessa looks horrified, mortified even as she turns further and her eyes meet Matt’s. The group of people closest to them start to roar in laughter at what’s happened as Matt just stares down at his title, eyes widened. He’s silent for a moment, as if that had literally just shut him up. He looks to Nessa, then back to his title, then to all the people laughing and pointing in the crowd which, at this point, has ceased to be a line at all.
Matt: Fuck it!
He shouts and turns his back to them all, storming off as he wipes the face of his title with the tissue he had before, muttering under his breath about how awful everyone is.
Nessa: Oh God, I’m so sorry.
That part is murmured as she keeps herself turned towards Matt for a moment before turning back towards the crowd.
Nessa: GOD! What are all you troglodytes gawking at?! GO AWAY! CUT! STOP ROLLING RIGHT--
Thankfully, the video cuts there, bleeding back into the wall of noise inside the sold out arena. The show then cuts to the opening video for SVW Rebellion.
Nessa: Greetings, peons. Once again, I’m here in the utmost professional capacity to do what I do best-- well, next to dominating inside the ring, that is. This afternoon, I’ve got the distinct pleasure of being out here with these morons, asking the hard-hitting questions where they pertain to the most important man in all of professional wrestling, the one and only greatest Pride Champion ever, Matt Stone.
With that lovely introduction, the Pride Champion walks into view, his pride and joy, pun fully intended, draped over the shoulder of his Shut Me Up T-shirt, faded jeans demonstrating how casual he finds this event to be as he joins Nessa, more and more people in the lineup are taking notice, some of them already booing at the very sight of Abominable Bitchsauce.
Matt: You flatter me as always, and might I say you are the finest looking interviewer in the history of this business?
He gives the Snarky Shiva a once over, shaking his head at how incredible she looks. She beams at the compliment, blushing slightly.
Nessa: This is an important occasion-- it warrants dressing up. It’s not every day I get to interview one of the greatest legends in the business on the eve of such an epic and important battle, after all.
Matt nods, adjusting the title ever so slightly on his shoulder.
Matt: That’s right, all of these people that you see before you are in for a real treat, not only will they get to see the same great action that every Aggression brings, but at the end, they’re going to see a war break out between two titans in this company, two men who claim to be something but there can only be one true champion and tonight, we find out that it’s me.
Nessa: Well obviously. You’re the only man fit enough to be called champion.
She winks at him, the pun very obvious. He smiles, enjoying that quite much.
Matt: Well there are some standards that should be met when discussing great things like champions, and that is certainly one of them. Being someone for the people is another, and that’s why we’re out here, to let all these idiots know that in some small, small way, they really do matter to us, don’t they, Ness?
Nessa: But of course. I mean, without them, we wouldn’t be…... making nearly as much money.
Winking, she turns to the overweight man standing directly across from them, immediately wrinkling her nose as though she smells something foul.
Nessa: You, sir. Which side are you on in this debate?
The man speaks with a thick accent, but his simple words are easy to understand
Juan: What debate? Pollaski’s gunna crush that guy!
Matt walks up beside Nessa, looking at this man for a few seconds.
Matt: Okay, I misspoke, the majority of these people mean something, but this guy? He means nothing, clearly uneducated even for the low standards set in this third world island, I’m not even sure if this is a country or not.
Juan: We’re what we wanna be and you’re a loser!
The man chuckles, finding this to be the funniest thing ever as he nudges the next guy in line who doesn’t even look like he knows him. The Snarktopus rolls her eyes and takes a step away from the Puerto Rican version of George Lopez. Instead she looks at a girl in line wearing a Ladder Fu t-shirt.
Nessa: Well clearly this woman has far more discriminating tastes, judging by her choice in attire. What about you, miss? Who do you think is going to win tonight’s most eagerly anticipated match?
Matt also seems interested in this woman, coming over with Nessa to get a better look and away from Senior Ding Dong. The woman just looks at Nessa, showing signs of not understanding what she was saying.
Juanita: Que?
Nessa: Ugh. DO. YOU. THINK. MATTHEW…
She gestures at Stone, emphasizing every word like she’s speaking to a child.
Nessa: WILL. BEAT. SHAMU?
The woman starts answering in her native tongue, Matt nodding up and down as she spoke like he understood what she was saying, though he was clearly not looking up at her face.
Matt: She’s got a point, ya know…
Some of the people around were yelling things at him, but he was completely oblivious to the masses. The woman finished speaking and nodded her head as if to put a fine point on what was likely a very thought provoking answer.
Nessa: Uh… sure.
She turns back to Matt and notices him checking out the woman, elbowing him as she turns back towards the crowd with a sunny smile.
Nessa: And there you have it. One vote for each. I suppose we need a tiebreaker now, don’t we?
Once again, she selects a fan at random, this one a middle aged man who looks like he might actually be an American tourist, what with his Hawaiian shirt and Ray Bans.
Nessa: Good afternoon, sir. I’d like to introduce you to the greatest professional wrestler in all of SVW. You’re so lucky that he took time from his busy schedule to come out here and grace you with his presence--
Jorge: He’s a no good cheat, he is!
Nessa: Excuse me? You watch your mouth when you’re talking to your betters!
Jorge: He’s no better than a bug on the street, I tell ya!
Matt quickly wraps his arm around Nessa’s waist and pulls her down the line a bit. Addressing the camera, he covers his tracks well.
Matt: That man has clearly had a bit too much to drink already, wouldn’t be right to put him on television.
The closer they get towards the head of the line, the more Nessa seems to be wrinkling her nose and it probably has everything to do with the perfectly manicured garden and the freshly cut grass just a few feet away but she still has her game face on as she doggedly approaches yet another Puerto Rican SVW fan, this one a good looking man who seems to be in his late twenties.
Nessa: Hi there. I’m--
Manuel: I know who you are, how you doin? You’re lookin fine out here mama.
Nessa: I… uh… I’m doing well. Listen, we’re here trying to settle a tie on who’s going to win tonight between Matt Stone and Daniel Pollaski. Do you have an educated opinion on that subject? Sadly, the rest of these idiots didn’t.
The man doesn’t appear all that interested in the interview, but the camera is able to pick up on him getting a good look at Nessa, even going out of his way to see as much of her as he can.
Manuel: How about we blow this place and I can answer any questions you have back at my place?
Matt steps in here, cutting in right between them.
Matt: First of all buddy, her eyes are up here and that better be the only place you look if you don’t want to spend the night in the hospital!
Manuel: Whoa Esse, back off homie, I’m just talking to the lady…
Matt: You’re talking to Nessa Wall, MY Nessa Wall and if you don’t show her some respect I’m going to start an international incident, capeche?
She tugs on Matt’s arm, trying to get him away from the fight that’s seconds from happening but the two men are glaring at each other angrily.
Nessa: Matt… don’t.
Finally, she manages to tug him away, sniffling softly before she quickly twitches her nose, glancing around.
Nessa: Ugh. Hyacinths.
Approaching another patron closer to the front, this time she chooses a casually dressed girl with rainbow-coloured hair.
Nessa: Hi there. I don’t suppose you’re here tonight, eager to witness the match against Matt Stone and Dan Pollaski that you very obviously voted on, being a gigantic SVW fan and all?
Esmerelda: Uhh, hello? Like, of course I am! It’s only like, the best match to see tonight.
She starts blowing a bubble out of her gum, letting it pop and begins chewing it again as the Pride Champion finally stops staring a hole in the patron that was checking out his girl. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a tissue, handing it to Nessa, seeing her start to react to the “great outdoors”. Nessa takes it and delicately dabs at her nose before handing it back, mouthing ‘thank you’.
Nessa: Well clearly it is. I mean who wants to see any of this other garbage on the card? And you’re obviously rooting for the greatest Pride Champion of all time, right?
Esmerelda: Uhh, like, hello? The greatest Pride champion isn’t even like, wrestling tonight, okay? But that guy? Oh yeah, he’s going to get crushed and we all, like, paid to see that happen. It’s going to be like, totes awesome!
Matt pockets the tissue handed to him and tilts his head to the side, looking at this girl.
Matt: You can’t be serious. What are you, crazy?
Esmerelda: Uhh, you’re the one who’s Crae crae! Pollaski’s going to like, totally destroy you and your little girlfriend can like, so watch you lose too, it’s going to be per-fect!
Nessa’s eyes are narrowed as she glares at the girl. If looks could kill…
Nessa: Excuse you… that’s just the most preposterous-ah…
Her nose twitches but she carries on.
Nessa: That’s the most ludicrous thing anyone has ever said. Daniel Pollaski had the deck stacked in his favour UNTIL the match stipulations were changed. Hello, sweetcheeks, but with the No DQ rules, Matthew clearly has the edge going into this contest.
Esmerelda: You like, don’t get to be the Chaos champion if you can’t take a few hits, dumb blondey!
Matt: Don’t talk to her like that, she’s smarter than this entire line up and she can pull it off without dying her hair a thousand colours!
Nessa stares back and forth between the two, looking as though she wants to interject, but her eyes are watering and she’s very obviously trying not to sneeze.
Esmerelda: Pishaw, it’s clearly seven colours, how do you expect to like, beat Daniel Pollaski if you like, can’t even count?
Matt: I can count! I can’t believe out of the thousands of people in line that we happen to find the most useless, uneducated, back talking hicks in all of wherever the hell we we are, I don’t even know! I boarded a plane and flew here, but I didn’t bother learning the name of it because you’re all so insignificant! Look at you, you can barely speak english, the last guy couldn’t stop oogling Nessa, the one before was drunk, one before that couldn’t speak a word of MY language and now YOU, Rainbow Dash, are trying to teach me how to count? This is absurd!
Nessa has completely lost control of this impromptu interview, her nose wrinkling as she tries in vain to wipe away the tickle with her finger. She opens her mouth as though she’s about to interject but the girl cuts in again.
Esmerelda: Uhh, are you like, having a meltdown, or whatever?
Matt: Please shut up.
Esmerelda: Like, seriously, are you okay guy?
Matt: Oh do shut up.
Esmerelda: That’s just rude-
Matt: OH I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T SHUT UP!
Esmerelda: Like, shut me up.
Nessa’s eyes widen at that, her face turning red. People in the crowd start laughing at that, Matt is clearly getting flustered at this point, his face turning red as well.
Matt: You don’t get to say that to me, you hear me? I say that to people like you, and to make matters worse…
The Snarktopus turns towards her beau, opening her mouth as she gestures vaguely and then…
Nessa: AHHHHCHOOOO!
The sneeze breaks free, unleashed all over the Pride Championship belt over Matt’s shoulder. Nessa looks horrified, mortified even as she turns further and her eyes meet Matt’s. The group of people closest to them start to roar in laughter at what’s happened as Matt just stares down at his title, eyes widened. He’s silent for a moment, as if that had literally just shut him up. He looks to Nessa, then back to his title, then to all the people laughing and pointing in the crowd which, at this point, has ceased to be a line at all.
Matt: Fuck it!
He shouts and turns his back to them all, storming off as he wipes the face of his title with the tissue he had before, muttering under his breath about how awful everyone is.
Nessa: Oh God, I’m so sorry.
That part is murmured as she keeps herself turned towards Matt for a moment before turning back towards the crowd.
Nessa: GOD! What are all you troglodytes gawking at?! GO AWAY! CUT! STOP ROLLING RIGHT--
Thankfully, the video cuts there, bleeding back into the wall of noise inside the sold out arena. The show then cuts to the opening video for SVW Rebellion.
