CHAPTER THIRTEEN: The Fine Art of Falling Apart [FAW]

upstate NY || March 15, 2017 (off camera)

Lex's hands were shaking as he tapped the pass-code into his phone, bringing up Twitter. Claire hadn't posted anything since her last picture. No captions. No tags. Now that Apex had tanked, he was in a weird sort of limbo. It was like training for a fight that was never coming and he'd been so lost in that abrupt shift that an entire month had slipped away. Apex had managed two shows in Toronto before it'd gone under and she'd been off to Milwaukee for training. Days were bleeding together, too quick for comfort. Things were changing and he'd tried to tell himself that he was imagining the distance until days had turned into weeks. Something was broken and now it was a matter of finding out how bad. He hadn't gotten lost in his own head this bad in a long, long time and now it was like waking up after a long night full of terrors and restless tossing and turning. He felt wrong. Anxious in a way that had him counting pills, making sure he hadn't skipped a dose or two but they all added up. 

Back to social media and he was staring at the notifications. She hadn't liked his silly photo a few days ago. She hadn't liked the serious one either or the things he'd said about how proud he was. He'd had the foxes back up for twenty-four hours like some sort of fucked up bat signal. As far as he knew, she hadn't seen any of it.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, thumb slipping between his teeth so he could chew on that ragged nail. He'd finally cracked around five-thirty in the morning, asking her to Skype, knowing that he needed to see her face to really know. The only thing left to do was wait.


Milwaukee, Wisconsin || March 20, 2017 (off camera)

She should have felt bad that 'k' was all she could manage in reply to Lex. She didn't, and that part did wiggle around in her brain to the point she ended up calling for a fresh appointment to speak with her therapist. Then of course, she had the run up before the first game, and sure, it was pre-season but it meant everything to her and Aidan. This was what they had been working so hard on, to the exclusion of almost everything else - almost. Claire felt that she had a lot to prove, jumping from one sport to another the way she had, when the most experience she had with football was catching the occasional throw from her brother Shawn. She might one day wrestle again? But right now, this was her whole and entire focus and after the game, no one would ever say that dedication hadn't paid off. Her stats were worthy of someone that had been playing awhile, and mid-season at that when everything was running smooth like clockwork, but for a pure rookie on her first actual football game they were amazing. She and Aidan had killed it out there and Claire was very proud of that.

She decided after the game that she'd call Lex in the morning, and find out what he wanted. Maybe he had scouted out some new company he wanted to work for? She was vaguely aware that his latest had tanked, and had meant to say something, but there just weren't words and he hated words anyhow. She doubted it was all that serious, he could have just sent a text if he just wanted some chit-chat, and she half-wondered then if maybe the snow storm had damaged the roof on the house. That would definitely explain it, she doubted sincerely he knew where she had filed the insurance papers and if he had to make a claim… she half felt bad, that would be really nerve-wracking for someone like him dealing with all that, but it waited this long, a few more hours wouldn't matter.

She woke up and got ready for practice, Monday was going to be rough but she welcomed the challenge. Before she headed out though she picked up her phone and had that ‘ah ha' moment, gathering up her jacket, bag, and keys before hitting the call icon for Lex on the contacts page. She wondered if it would go to voicemail since usually at this time of day he'd be out for a run, but after a few rings it picked up and she could hear him on the other end. "Hey, sorry it took me a bit, I saw the Tweet… that was… look, is it the roof? From the snowstorm or something? I'm super sorry I didn't think to put the house insurance papers in the safe, they're in your desk though, second drawer under some old VHS tape… I think. Don't worry though, the insurance agent is way smart, he'll walk you through the process in no time flat."

She laughed a bit. "That's what we pay him for, so he better." She paused, and sighed a bit. "So how are you, other than that?"

When the reply came, his voice was soft, accompanied by a rustle that might have made her wonder just what he'd been doing before answering. "No… uh… the roof's fine. Gonna have to fix up the fence if we're gonna plant anythin' in that field this year but…" he paused for a second, dragging in a slow breath, "we didn't get hit as bad as the city did - kinda lost steam by the time it came our way, I guess." Talking about the weather was easy enough, "I'm alright, y'know. Been keepin' to my regime. Went to Atlantic City on Thursday. Looked at this bike a guy's sellin' online. It's got good bones. Completely fucked engine but it's vintage… this old army cycle straight outta MASH. If it's still around in a week, I'll meet his askin' price. I lowballed him an' he turned me down so… let it sit a while an' if it works out, devil's idle hands'll have a new project. An' I… I got you some of those cupcakes you liked."

"If you want the bike, get it. Why bargain over it, we've got the money." She knew some people liked to barter, the give and take, but with Lex's anxiety, who knew? "Unless you wanted that instead." A half laugh as she dropped her keys, the metal jingling even on the carpet. "Why would you? The cupcakes, you know. Even if you freeze them, I won't be back to eat them. Don't worry about the… money for the fence to get fixed either, even if it wasn't the storm that messed with it. Maybe you could work on that while you wait to see if that guy sells the bike or not." She paused, straightening up. "Was that it? I'm about out the door, got practice today. We're really hoping to build off what we've started."

"I put snow tires on the truck. Hitched up the Airstream an' I was gonna…" he trailed off, not wanting to delve into that. When he'd sent the message on Twitter, he'd thought surprising her before her first game would be great - obviously scheduling had had other plans. "I just kinda thought maybe if you wanted to we could go somewhere on your next free day. I just wanted to make sure… I mean…" he tripped over his words, falling silent with a sigh.

"...say what you mean." Claire counted to ten, taking a deep breath. "You need to stop with this, Lex. Usually I can decipher you but lately? Not a clue. You reach out to the wrong people, and talk to the most random and I get it. You're trying to claw connections instead of letting people come to you, because then you feel a little control. But I see it, and I see who." She drummed her fingers on the back of the phone. "I'm very angry about it. Nessa. That felt like you, undercutting my feelings. Then Valentine's and she started her shit and you just vanished like Homer into the bushes when you knew how I felt about her, how you felt about her she's always treated you like trash. And you did it in public."

A slightly longer pause, and she spoke again. "That has to stop, Lex. This inconsideration. It's not good for either of us. Stop trying to… to recapture things. Like the Airstream? That's a great memory. We had some good times in it. But I think of that as vacation, a long trip. Not some…" she threw a hand up in the air despite him not being able to see it. "It's special. Not meant for… being made less."

"I didn't mean anythin' when I offered to give her Bennett's number. Didn't fuckin' think to send it private. Just threw it out there ‘cause I just saw someone spirallin' an' I didn't… I wasn't tryna take sides. I felt bad for her. For Shawn. I wanted to throw her a raft. I didn't know she was gonna wig out on you an' I didn't… Claire, I didn't wanna do what I did when you an' Amber… I didn't wanna overstep. You had it handled an' I didn't wanna be that guy comin' in dick swingin' to throw gasoline on the fire. Let her stupid drama fuck off back where it came from. That, y'know..." Lex sighed, running a hand over his mouth and she could probably hear his fingers against the stubble on his cheeks.

He stopped talking for a few seconds, trying to process the other things she'd said. His breathing was uneven before he finally broke the silence. "Claire, that was me tryna be considerate. I don't want to throw any negative light in your direction… didn't wanna be part of any drama shitshow ‘cause I know how important this football thing is to you. I wanted to come see your game. Bring you cupcakes. An' maybe just tell you to your face that I…" he swallowed hard, forcing himself to say the words, "I know you've been busy… an' I guess mad… an' I didn't know the last part when I thought it might be nice to come surprise you - usedta like it when I cheered you on." His voice came out softer, barely audible, "I miss you."

"What you were or weren't trying to do, that's not what's seen. I hate people being in our business. Why you threw it out there? People could say - that's noble, he tried to be nice to someone that's always hated on him. If it wasn't for the fact that you did it out of what, pity? You felt bad for her, but how bad could you have felt for Shawn when you threw her a raft and never asked him how he was feeling? Did you even stop to think that she chose to go on the attack because you opened the door for her, by showing her some attention?" She sighed. "Of course not. Nobody and I mean nobody that saw that little public tirade by Miss Plastic Pants, thinks anything negative about me, Lex. She said a whole lot of really inappropriate and crazy shit to people and you saw that."

She did another slow count, to keep herself from yelling. "I've been busier than you guess. This is harder work than I ever put into wrestling. I have to devote more to it. The window for this is a whole lot shorter too - there's not going to be any screwing around, or missing practices or any of that. Just… stop assuming. You're doing that thing you do. ‘Used to like it when I cheered you on' did I say to you that I hate it instead? No. You just automatically think the worst about everything Lex. It sucks the joy out of things, and I know you don't want to be that way. I know you don't want to be that person. I also know it's hard for you. Your anxiety has just spiraled out of control since you quit SCW instead of going back after the title you loved. I know that's been a knife in your gut ever since, and it's haunted everything you've done. You have to, Lex. You have to figure out how to let that go, and go back to being the Lex you were before that. The real you. I miss that Lex."

She sighed, pacing. "You gave Nessa a number, you gave her some damn kindness when even she was hating herself. Why can't you be that kind to you? Think about that, at least. I can't make you go, and I don't think you should see who you saw before if that's what you decide to do. But you need to not keep hurting yourself, and that's a place to start. I gotta go. Text you later."

He opened and closed his mouth, teeth clicking together audibly. "Hey." His voice came out a little too loud and he chuckled bitterly at the sound. "Before you go. I know I've been dumb lately. Blind, I guess. Sometimes it's hard to tell what silences are real and what ones are only there in the empty spaces in my head but I'm tryin'. I am. An' I'm gonna make it right. Okay?" He took a breath, "I love you, Claire."

"I love the real you, Lex. Find him, okay? I can't make you, this is something you gotta do for you. Sometimes you have to, I've told you that all along. You gotta be worth something to you, before you can love me for real, or anyone else. I think you're strong enough. Gotta, go, bye." She put her phone to sleep before slipping it in her bag, and she hoped he'd follow through. She knew he meant what he said, but it definitely wasn't going to be easy.