44. Caliber Love Letter

Ryann,

There are certain things that I need to say to you. These are the same things I never will be able to articulate. It's easier to write them, and leave this note for you. A subtle outpouring of my emotion. I never was that good at this whole relationship thing. I have too many secrets. My version of romance is skewed. This will probably fall flat. My careful plans, walking on eggshells.

When the world wraps its iron hands around your throat, locking down the chokehold; when the poison black night sticks that needle in your veins, or that powder up your nose; when nobody gives a shit about you, or what you have to say- think of me. You have nothing in common with them, but I know. I know, and I'm always there to offer a hand. To pick you up.

I know what you're thinking, most of the time. I know what to do. I know how it feels to want to say something, and bite back the words. Fear of rejection- I know it well. I know how it feels and I still love you when you can't find the words.

We have a voice together, and it is deafening. You and I sing perfect harmony. Together, not alone. In our room, in that stolen lovers embrace. We came from different worlds. Perhaps that's why you are my perfect balance.

I know you and you know me. I will hold you while you rage. I will never feed you lies. I will listen. I will be your everything. Forever. I hope you want that. I pray to a deity I don't even believe in to grant me this one perfect moment. You've come back. Is it too much to wish for more?

They'll try to drive a wedge between us eventually. They'll tell you that I don't care about you beyond what you do for me. They'll say I'm using you. They don't know what happens behind closed doors between us. That you tell me things that keep me from screaming in the middle of the night. You bring peace.

I never expected this. I expected you to leave like the others did. I wouldn't have blamed you for that. I know the faults and flaws I have.

I will still go down fighting for you. Call it loyalty.

I call it something else. Something that scares me.

No one had touched my heart in years. Nobody had ever held the keys to my heart before you. I was starving for that contact without ever knowing. Now, I can't get enough. Gluttony is a sin, and I would go to hell gladly for this.

Little by little, life rips you apart. It tears your mind out. Burns you in ways you can't recover from. Life destroys you. But you, baby, you bring me back from the brink. You put salve on the wounds. You fill in the cracks and make me whole.

For that, I thank you.

For that, I love you.

Always,
Brad



With automatic motions, his hand moved up to his mouth for another drag off the cigarette before he dropped it into the empty Coke can at his feet. Perfect shot. A contented smile curved his lips as he stared off into the distance.

The sun was setting over the strip like a big budget movie production, pulling out all the stops. Saturated with over-bright tones of gold, orange, red, and purple that faded into that twilight indigo above the lines of the Stratosphere in the distance. It was the kind of moment that was picture perfect, the ideal cap to an awesome day. The kind you'd want to share with someone. He heard the sliding door at his back open, and knew without looking that she was approaching him. She heard the soft sound of his self-deprecating chuckle, and knew that he was aware of her presence before her arms slid around his waist. He turned in her embrace, putting his back to the spectacle in the sky as though it bored him. Truth was a bit more flattering towards her. He'd rather look into those beautiful green eyes of hers. That smile widened as his forearms rested against her shoulders, one hand idly playing with a lock of her hair. "I need you to be honest with me," he said softly, the words a strange contrast to that easy smile that her presence, and this locale evoked. "From here on out, no lies. No omissions. Just... truth. Can we do that?"

She peered up at him, tilting her head a bit towards the hand messing with her hair, nodding slowly. Fingers splayed over his lower back as she held onto him and she took a deep breath, licking her bottom lip, "yeah, honesty is doable." She adjusted her weight, shifting from one foot to the other, and asking, "is there something on your mind you need the truth about?"

He stared at her so long she couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind. Right now he was a closed book to her. She couldn't get past his defenses. His throat went dry with an audible click. He said nothing, caught unaware as her green eyes bored into his. A sigh escaped his lips finally as they parted to allow him to speak. "There's a lot that I want to ask... shit that I probably don't need to know..." he trailed off, lifting that hand from her hair to her cheek. "I'll settle for just one thing: why are you here right now?"

She smiled softly, pressing her cheek into his hand, "because I love you." Chewing on her lip, she thought a moment and added, "and because I want to be here with you. I can't see myself with anyone else anymore." Her eyes moved over him, taking in the bruises, the injuries on his face. Slipping one of her hands around to the front of him, she lifted it and softly ran her fingers just above the stitches in his brow, concern in her eyes, "I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologize." His eyes closed slightly, enjoying the intimacy of her fingers against his skin. He'd always been a sucker for her touch, even since the first moment they'd met. A low rumble came from his throat before those deep blue eyes opened and fixed on her again. "Actually, there's something I've been meaning to ask you." He said the words with such a serious tone that she felt her stomach drop to her feet.

She swallowed hard, her fingers freezing and slowly lowering, "what?" Her left eye twitched a little, a nervous habit that she had never been able to get rid of, "is something wrong? I thought we'd taken care of everything; I was honest with you about why I came back. I love you," she stopped talking, chewing on her lip and casting her eyes aside, looking towards that sunset.

For a long moment he said nothing, reaching up to catch hold of her chin as she chewed on her bottom lip. His eyes were dark and unreadable in the twilight as the sun sank below the horizon. "Hey," he said the word softly, grabbing her attention, "I never said I don't believe you, Ryann. You're here. That's all I care about, babe." He fell silent again, letting go of her chin to lightly stroke her cheek with his swollen fingers. "All of this... it was good for one thing. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess what I'm trying to ask, in a roundabout way... is..." He lifted his other hand, opening his fist to reveal that familiar diamond and sapphire ring resting there on his palm. "Will you be mine... forever?"

Her brows raised as her eyes widened, "what?" She swallowed, "Brad... It's only been a few days..." She wasn't concerned about how long it'd been since they'd come together again, she was more concerned that he wasn't thinking clearly, "I don't want you to do something you're unsure of."

His laughter was soft as he looked at her. As though he was rushing into something he hadn't been thinking about for the last two years with her. He'd come so damn close to proposing back when she was mourning over the life she'd taken in that ring. Timing had always been a huge issue between them. "Ry." He shook his head, searching for something perfect and romantic to say. Words failed him. "I've never been surer of anything in my life." Instead of taking the out she was trying to hand him; he bent his head and kissed her softly on the lips. Staying there, he nuzzled her cheek, the bristle of his 5 o'clock shadow rasping over her skin. "Marry me, Ryann," he breathed against her parted lips, the words a whisper that conveyed his desperation and longing. "Marry me tonight."

She was caught up in the moment, her eyes nearly closed as she felt him slip the ring back on her finger and she nodded, "ok..." The word came out as a breathy whisper, and she wasted little time in kissing him again.

He seemed almost shocked at her quick acquiescence as he pulled back from her lips. No hesitation? No more indecisiveness? She leaned against him, resting her hands on his shoulders so she could stare up at him. He saw no lies in her eyes, just that beguiling sincerity that scorched his soul, and it was nearly his undoing. "I love you, Ry. You're everything to me. Do you know that?"

She smiled and took a deep breath, gazing up at him, "I love you too, Brad." She returned his sentiment, meaning every word before she asked, "you got anywhere in mind?"

"There's a place I know... already did some recon work." He admitted with a sheepish smile. "We've got a reservation for eight, if you want it."

She smiled and her eyes danced a little, "so what, if I'd said no, you weren't going to tell me about it? Don't you have to pay in advance for these things?"

"Funny story," he said the words with a small laugh, "I reserved the date back in October... and yeah, I paid for it all up front."

"Why would you do that? Back in October?" She sighed and looked away, the wound still fresh in her mind, "you were married to Jada..." The words fell flat between them, lending confusion. Why would he have paid for a night like this, and then married his best friend on a whim?

"The night those pictures Kitty took were taken... I went from booking our special day there, to The Killer Queen. Had too many drinks... and agreed to do something I never should have done." He reached for her, pulling her back towards him, desperate to recapture the previous mood. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you where I really was. I thought if you knew that I was looking after Kitty..." he shook his head, "fuck, I'm stupid. I shouldn't have lied. You deserve better than that." He fell silent again, his hands clasping together behind her back as he held her there. "Since we're being honest, maybe you'd better tell me where you really were when you said you were in Cameron lookin' after your dad."

She looked up at him, emotions coursing through her eyes, "please don't ask me that," she told him. Desperation in her voice, "I wasn't with Mark, that I can promise you." Jada's threats played through her mind as she shook her head. Her voice pleaded with him, "I can't..."

His eyes narrowed as he looked around the deserted balcony of the suite that was permanently reserved to him. "There's nobody here but you and I, Ryann. Who are you afraid of?"

"Jada..." She closed her eyes, worried that she was going to die now that she'd said something. Those 48 hours of her life raced through her mind's eye and she couldn't bring herself to look at him, staring at the ground.

"Fucking bitch." He growled the words, not releasing his grip on Ryann. "Look at me, babe. What did she do to you?"

She shook her head and looked down, "made me stronger? I think."

He released his grip around her waist, taking hold of her chin and tilting her head up, forcing her to meet his gaze. "You know you can tell me anything, Ry. Right now, I'll give you a free pass on anything you want to confess. Water under the bridge. Do I need to have a little talk with my best friend?"

She swallowed hard, looking up into the darkness his eyes possessed. There was very little love lost between Ryann and Sinnocence, but Ryann was afraid of what the woman had said to her. Slowly though, her mouth opened and she told him, "she kidnapped me, from Pittsburgh, the morning I got out of the hospital. Drugged me up and took me to some place, told me she was going to hunt me for 48 hours and if she caught me before it was up, she'd shoot me and leave me there, tell you I'd run off with someone. I survived the 48 hours, woke up here in your room, with her sitting by me." She sighed and swallowed again, before she continued, "she told me, if I told you the truth, she'd shoot me."

"She shoots you, it's the last fuckin' thing she'll ever do." Jackson snapped, shaking his head. "She plays this dangerous game shit with you... why? To fuck with your head because you were fucking with mine?" He mused aloud, and then lifted his finger to her lips when she opened her mouth to protest. "Don't tell me any more. As of now, I don't know shit about that." Thankfully they were on the balcony still. There weren't many places out here that she could stash a listening device that would give it enough juice to last. He shook his head again, as though shaking off the information in a physical way. "Forget it. What's done's done." He pulled her close, crushing her against him for a tender hug. "I'm just glad to have you back, Ryann. I don't think I could stand losing you..."

Wrapping her arms around him, she leaned against his chest, closing her eyes for a moment. Thoughts of marriage filled her head, and they made her smile before she asked, "so... what are we goin' to do about clothes? I didn't bring anythin' fancy or nice to wear."

"I know. I'm surprised you haven't found it already. Back of the closet... I took a liberty," he murmured, kissing the top of her head. "There's a garment bag in there. Should have everything you need in it, at least as far as Giuseppe told me. I didn't look. Bad luck."

"Wait, what?" She looked up at him, "you got my dress?"

He shrugged, "I had something special made for you. One of a kind, original... just like my girl." He said the words flippantly, but he was studying her reaction closely. He'd wanted everything to be perfect, but now it felt a little too much like he was trying too hard. He hoped she wouldn't see it as him trying to control or manipulate her. That had never been his design.

Her eyes were wide as she looked at him, awestruck, "you... you went out of the way, to do all this for me?" She turned around and looked towards the closet, he knew her well, she was sure she'd like the dress. She was a bit nervous, marriage did it to everyone. Gazing upwards, she asked, "shall we go?"

"Probably should. Wouldn't want to be late for our own wedding." He pulled her in for another kiss, resting his forehead against hers. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, letting her rest her head against his chest. He pressed his lips to her hair, whispering the words of a song to her. "Don't go changin' to try and please me. You never let me down before…"

She looked up at him, and he knew she saw him for what he was. A battle-scarred warrior. A man with a million secrets. A mystery. She saw all that, and loved him still, selflessly and unconditionally. It was all he ever wanted.

I said I love you and that's forever, and this I promise from the heart.
I could not love you any better; I love you just the way you are.

"You complete me, babe." He whispered the words before pulling away and taking her hand to lead her back inside. The wedding chapel beckoned.