Not O-Fucking-Kay

Kayla Knix had been in the hospital for the past six days and had grown quite tired of it. A skin graft had been performed the previous Thursday in order to repair a grotesque burn mark she had gotten while she had been held captive, on her right side rib-cage. She was due to get out that following Saturday and hoped that nothing prevented her from doing so. However, she still had a few days to kill and had to find ways to amuse herself. Sure, she had had a few visitors and has the Internet, especially Twitter to keep her occupied, but when it came down to it- she just wanted out.

She lay in her hospital bed on her left side in a pair of comfortable pajama pants and a black hooded sweatshirt. She had the remote for the television in hand and was flipping through channels. Something caught her attention and it was the sound of footsteps entering her room. A tired smile formed on her face as she turned her head and looked toward the door. The person she saw made her smile widen a bit more as she put the remote down.

"Well howdy there, good to see you made it." She said as she brushed some blonde hair out of her face.

Jackson stood there, framed in the doorway and sporting a cheesy smile. As promised, he held two enormous paper bags in his arms, which he immediately set down on a chair at her bedside. "Hey." His standard greeting seemed appropriate as he stuffed his hands in his pockets, almost looking awkward as the scent of rare meat filled the hospital room. "I bribed your nurses to Houdini themselves for 'bout half an hour, so try not to choke on any of this. Alright?"

"Aye, aye Captain. I'll do my best." She said with a laugh as she shifted herself and turned so she was on her back. Then she used her hands to leverage herself so she was sitting up. "It's nice that you stopped by to see me though, I appreciate the company. I freaking hate this place and can't wait to get the hell out."

"Yeah, I hear that." He chuckled softly, looking down at her, "hospitals make me uneasy. Like I can feel death creeping through the halls or something." He said the words lightly, but there was a strange sort of gleam in his eyes as he said them. Another awkward silence fell between them, and then he broke it with effort, turning away to fiddle with the bags. "Hope you're hungry."

She nodded and exhaled in a relaxed sort of manner. "Starving; my guy Dro's been trying to sneak me in good food whenever he can but those nurses out there are kind of like Nazis." She would have laughed had it been a joke, but it wasn't. The nurses were just ridiculous. Something was on the tip of her tongue to say, so she did. "Hey not to pry or anything, but I wanted to say how sorry I was about what Ryann did to you. Complete bullshit."

He grunted softly, pulling out a few Styrofoam containers and setting them on the tray beside her bed. "It is what it is." He said dismissively. "Not like I didn't fuck around on her too. Everyone knows about the Tanya thing."

She reached for a container and the smell of the food he had brought smelled so good that she had to close her eyes for a moment to take it all in. "Wow, that smells awesome." She opened her eyes and looked down at it, before looking back at him. "True as that may be, it seemed to me that you tried to make it work. Everyone makes mistakes; I mean I am a prime example of that." She was babbling and she knew it. "What I'm getting at is that you deserve better, okay?"

He lifted his head, fixing her with a look that could curdle milk. "No, I don't." He moved the tray over closer, and handed her a fork and a steak knife before turning away to delve into the bottomless depths of the bag again, before coming up with a bottle of red wine, and two plastic tumblers. He set these down beside the containers of food, finding it easier to talk to her when he was busying himself with these mundane actions. "We barely know each other, Kay... I don't think you're really qualified to judge that."

She considered what he said for a moment and nodded in agreement. "No I don't suppose we do, which brings me to something I wanted to ask you. I'll be honest, Jax, after the whole thing with Mark and V- I thought you disliked me." She took a hair tie that was on the table by her bed and threw her hair back in a ponytail. "Which to be honest, I was really surprised you made the trip out to see me. So how come?"

He laughed, moving the empty bags off the chair before pulling it closer to the bed. "I had no reason to hate you. Not really friends with Chapman, or Shane's mystery man..." he shrugged, sinking down into the chair. "Just thought it might be nice for you to see someone new... someone old... or whatever you want to consider me. Just felt like maybe you could use a friend. Or maybe I was trying to piss her off a little. Pick one, and it's probably half true." His gaze drifted from looking at her to staring at the food.

She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head in a nonchalant way. "Well you're right, it's nice to see a new face and I do appreciate you coming down here." The bottle of wine caught her eye and she laughed a bit. "And you brought wine, that's just what I need. You thought of everything, my friend." She gave him a thumbs up gesture and sat back comfortably.

He popped open his own container, and cut into the thick steak, watching with relish as blood puddled under it. He speared the first piece and held the fork out to her. "Ladies first. Try it."

She eagerly took it and put it in front of her nose first. It smelled divine and her smile widened. "I can't remember the last time I had a steak." She said and then bit into it. The moment she tasted it, the look on her face said it all- it had hit the spot. She couldn't talk, just nodded repeatedly and gave him two thumbs up, the fork still in hand.

"Nothing quite like grilled cow ass." He smirked around a half chewed mouthful, swallowing it before speaking again. "I feel like a prick, but I'm really out of the loop. Tell me to shut the fuck up if you don't want to tell me, but what happened to you?"

At hearing him ask, she paused for a moment. Her head lowered as she thought about how she would word it. What had happened to her wasn't something she talked about very often or with anyone really. Dro was one of the only people she talked at length about it with but mostly because he was there, he had seen what she had been trapped in. Perhaps though, she needed to start talking about it more. How else would she work through it if she didn't start to deal?

"You're not out of the loop as much as you think, not a lot of people know the details, but it's probably time I start talking about it." She lifted her head and looked at his face. Her eyes looked a bit watery as she bit down on her lower lip. "Mark called me after Jimmy had died and asked me to come stay with him for the night. I flew to Pittsburgh and did so, the next morning I set out to travel to Canton to spend some time with friends out there. As I was going through Arkansas, I fell asleep at the wheel and drove into a ditch. My car crashed and I was knocked unconscious." She froze for a second as some memories started coming back to her. "A pastor and his wife found me and took me home with them...."

Tears began to stream down her face as she set down the fork and wiped her eyes with her hands. When she spoke again, her voice was cracking only slightly. "Basically, they kidnapped me and held me hostage for a month in their basement." She wouldn't go into any more detail as to what The Phelps did to her, except for one piece of information. "They're actually the reason I needed to get a skin graft. They burnt off one of my tattoos because they said it was an abomination." Her head lowered again as some shame swept over her. It was not uncommon for this to happen to her though. "So there you have it, Jax; now you know the basics. I just hope you can understand why I haven't said much to anyone about it..." She trailed off and rested her head back against a pillow.

"Shit," he dropped his fork and knife into the container, suddenly feeling a little revolted at the sight of blood. "I..." his mouth worked, but no words came out. It was strange to see the usually witty and sarcastic bastard rendered speechless. "Sorry I asked. I didn't know it was..." the chair scraped against the floor as he stood up, moving closer to her bed. "Don't cry, Kay. It wasn't your fault." It could have been, for all he knew, but he still said the words with conviction, feeling genuinely bad for her pain.

"It's fine, trust me." She said as she looked at him with a sad smile. "Everyone's got their own baggage, you know? It just so happened that mine was added to quite a bit." She sniffled and grabbed a tissue, wiping her eyes with it. "Believe it or not, some good came out of it." She kind of laughed at the irony of it all. "If this hadn't of happened, I wouldn't have met the guy I'm with now. He is one of the reasons I'm alive." She grabbed a bottle of water that was nearby and took a drink from it. "It's always darkest right before the dawn. When things seem to be at their worst, somehow they manage to get better."

"It's been dark for too long," he said softly, looking away from her optimistic view, gaze skittering around the room before dropping to the food on the table. With shaking hands, he picked up the bottle of cheap wine, and picked the foil away from the cork. "I wish I could believe that there was light waiting out there somewhere. Everything just turns to shit for me, y'know?" He laughed bitterly, pulling out his Swiss army knife before forcing the cork from the bottle with a muted pop. "I tried with her. I tried like hell to be something I'm not... and it wasn't good enough."

"I've done that and it just turned to shit for me as well." She replied as she folded her arms across her chest. "It will get better though, whether you believe it or not. You know, I honestly thought I was going to die in that basement and I was supposed to, in fact I was ready." She brought a hand up and rubbed the back of her neck. "But there was a light at the end of that tunnel and it got better. I know it's not the same thing but I know what you're saying and believe me when I say it will get better. Life can't be just one big shit storm, you know?"

"It can't rain all the time," he nodded at her words, "yeah, I hear what you're saying... but I'm not feelin' it. Sorry to be a downer... just not the best day for me." He tilted the bottle of wine to his lips without thinking, taking a chug of the contents. "I called her when my flight got in. Opened up a vein, an' all but begged her to take me back. Fucking pathetic, isn't it?" He looked down at her, and stopped himself before he got too carried away. "Hey, I'm sorry... you don't want to hear my pity party shit."

"Don't give it a second thought, if you need to vent- go for it." She had managed to relax a little bit. "Or we can watch some crappy week day television." She laughed to herself and turned on her side so she was facing him.

He cocked his head, studying her for a moment before holding out the bottle of wine. "I don't get it, I really don't." He sighed, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "You're being so nice to me. Why?"

She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head in that nonchalant way she had before. "Honestly, Jax, I don't have anything against you. You came out of your way to just sit and bullshit with me for a while. Why wouldn't I be nice to you?"

He snorted in derision. "Because I'm a bastard." He held up his hand as she opened her mouth to protest. "I didn't come here out of some sort of friendship... I came here with ulterior motives. When I messaged you on Twitter and said you were the only chick on my list that I hadn't fucked, I started thinking too hard about it. I'm in a bad place right now, Kay, and I…" he hesitated, shaking his head before deciding to tell her the truth. Why the hell not? "I was planning to use you. Shit, I was trying to psych myself up to try and charm my way into your pants on the drive over here."

She raised an eyebrow as she looked at him. She studied him for a moment. "I see; well I'm sorry to say, buddy but it wouldn't have worked." She couldn't help but chuckle to herself. "But I appreciate the honesty from your end."

"Honesty's about all I got these days." He said with a crooked smile. "You wanna hear a real good story?"

"Sure, why not? I'm always up for a good story." She said with a nod.

"I turned a lesbian straight last week." He smirked as he said it, shaking his head. "I broke up with Ryann... fucked that vampire broad who keeps crawling to me for help with her woes because I'm a sucker for a damsel in distress. If that's not enough of a kicker to make you giggle, as a nice cap after breaking my promise to the girl I claimed to love… yeah, I promised her that I wasn't going to fool around, and then I let my dick go wandering the second it fell apart. I'm a real class act. Oh, but it gets better!" He broke off, chuckling bitterly as Kayla tried to follow this mad rush of words. "Then I flew to Berlin, had a nice little meeting with Cobra Commander, and stabbed my best friend in the back."

Her eyes widened as she watched him. "Whoa, I wasn't expecting that kind of story but right on, brother." That probably wasn't the best reply in the world but she really didn't know what to say in accordance to what he said.

"I don't know why I'm telling you this." He admitted, "maybe it's because there's that whole stranger factor. I barely know you, so I'm not worried about keeping up some good impression bullshit." He turned away from her, and crossed the room towards the window in the far wall. "Well, at least I make decent entertainment," he said, half to himself as he pulled aside the blind that covered the glass, looking out at the parking lot below.

"I wouldn't go as far as saying entertainment, but I was not expecting that. Not gonna lie, my jaw dropped a bit." She said with a small laugh, but she then became serious. "What are you going to do though?"

He kept his eyes on the window as he replied, "wait for her to put a bullet in my head." He said the words without any traces of humor, as serious as a heart attack.

Her pain had started up again which meant it was time for another dose of meds. Luckily, her doctor had ordered that she have a button to push when she wanted the pain meds. That way she wouldn't have to worry about the Nazi Nurses rationing her pills. As Jax had been talking, Kayla had pushed the button for the pain meds and the moment it took effect, it was easy to detect on her face. She just looked very relaxed, like she'd become butter and was melting into the pillow.

"You... are going to need a bullet proof hat, then." She nodded at him, figuring that was the best solution to his problem.

The laughter surprised him as he turned around to look at her, catching the sight of her nodding sagely. "A kevlar outfit, definitely." He moved back towards the bed, and stopped beside it once again. This time he reached out and laid his hand over hers, giving it a squeeze. "Thanks for that, I needed it."

She offered him a squeeze back and nodded, a slightly stoned smile crossing her face. "No problemo, one thing I'm good for is comic relief." Her face became serious, "you know you can get ahold of me any time if you need someone to talk to. I may not have sound advice, but if nothing else it could make you laugh."

"Thanks," he seemed to be saying that an awful lot, but he meant it just the same, "I might take you up on that, since my friends list seems to be dwindling a little." As though he'd just realized that he was still technically holding her hand, he pulled it back, stuffing it into the pocket of his jeans.

"Just hit me up on The Twitter, I always seem to be lurking on there." She giggled a bit, for some reason, even unknown to her. She let out a yawn and covered her mouth. "I hate to do this, but I'm getting kind of tired. You mind if I take a nap?"

"You want me to leave?" He shrugged, picking up the container that held his half-eaten steak and closing it. "That's cool."

"I'm just really about out of it. Don't want to like kick you out though because I have enjoyed our visit." She replied with a sigh.

"Or I can stay, and watch you sleep... you should know by now I'll all about the creepy shit." He dismissed her discomfort at the situation, flashing a tired smile of his own. "It's all good, Kay. I know you're not feelin' your best."

"In time though, it'll be better." She said with another yawn as she turned on her back. "Thanks again for the visit and of course the steak, Jax. I really enjoyed it."

"Anytime," he said softly, reaching out to ruffle her hair like she was a kid. He picked up his box of steak, and the bottle of wine from the table, and then moved towards the door. He paused there in the doorway, and turned back with a smile. "I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship." He quipped, lifting the bottle in a silent salute before taking another drink.

"That... I think you might be right about, buddy-boy." She gave him a wave and a final smile before turning her head to the side and passing out. Their visit had gone well and this was one person Kayla could mark off her list of ones she thought that hated her.

Jackson stepped out into the hall, and tilted the bottle to his lips, draining off the rest of the sickly sweet liquor with one long swallow. It burned going down, and made him want to immediately purge. Feeling sweat running down his back beneath his leather jacket and the thin cotton t-shirt, he pushed off the wall and made his way down the corridor, eschewing the elevator for the fire stairs at the end of the hall.


Kitty,

If you get this letter, assume the worst. I'm probably dead, with a bullet in my brain, six feet under in some unmarked grave, wiped clean of evidence. If you get this letter, don't worry, and don't try to avenge my passing like it's another mission.

In the last thirty-nine years, there are a lot of things I've wanted to be. That ever-changing five year plan. When I was ten, I wanted to be an astronaut, then a rock star, then a disc jockey for that underground punk station at the college. Everyone goes through those stages. Priorities change, and we go from the grand dreams, to settling for something more realistic. If you're good at science, maybe you get that engineering degree.

If you're good with people, maybe you go into social work, or public relations.

If you're a good liar, you become a politician.

And if you're just good at taking a beating- maybe you become a wrestler. I didn't really bank on this. I never actually wanted to be this sort of guy. I'm not Rocky Balboa, banking on the long shot odds at beating Apollo Creed. Not looking for that leg up into the big time. I've been here too long for that sort of wishful thinking. It goes in cycles.

Two years ago I was King of the World. I was riding that adrenaline high. I'd beaten Spiral. I had gold around my waist in another Fisher Price federation. I was the goddamn World Heavyweight Champion- untouchable. Like a house of cards, that was poised for collapse under the weight of my own ego. I grew cocky. I lost sight of the shit that really matters.

I started living this lie. I lost myself in the hype. Played media whore, jet-setting around the globe, keeping all these PR dates my agent scheduled for me. Need to keep my face out there, keep it all fresh. My name on the lips of millions. My face on billboards. Got a little too surreal for my tastes.

I was more than happy to relinquish that. I was even happier to fade away into the background in our little fight circle. I've become a hermit now, only emerging from my condo in Queens to hit the gym, or to run things at my club. I didn't even know Shane was missing until I read that she was back. I'm a shitty friend.

I've been playing the avoidance game, both in my career, and in my personal life. Drift away on a sea of wasted time. I don't even watch the time or the calendar anymore. Apathy digs its steely claws into me, and drags me down.

I've been sleeping a lot lately. It was easier than letting the doubts and fears grab hold. Thinking back to July 2006. Thinking back to May 2008. Circumstances conspiring against me to judge me unworthy. Two other women. Three babies that never saw the light of day. Georgie was pregnant with twins. Sometimes I think maybe that's a blessing. I wonder if you do, too. Do you thank Gabriel for that gift, or do you curse him before settling down for a good night's sleep in the arms of the one you love?

I like to think it's the former. I like to think that at least one life was saved from the black hole that surrounds me. I wouldn't have made a good father.

I like to think that after all this time that you and I had the deeper connection. I knew you best because you were more like me.

I never understood Ryann. All the shit she put me through with Chapman should have been a clue, right? I should have bailed, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to throw in the towel. I can't accept defeat gracefully. I told myself too many times that she was the last one. She was the one that was going to stick and damned if I wasn't going to see that through to the bitter end. Til death do us part. I was serious when I said that vow with her. Maybe by the time you get this letter, I'll have given her name to Cain's men and she'll be dead, too. I hesitated at first. I had a moment of weakness. I thought maybe there would be one more chance. I was fooling myself. It's over between us. She hates me. They all hate me. You probably do too.

If you get this letter, I want you to know that I loved you once. I never lied about that.

Regards,

B.