Post by Admin on Jul 30, 2017 22:14:53 GMT -5
The plane banked and from this vantage point, Norfolk looked sleepy, benign.
"Best trip ever," Jana’s voice shattered that dread he felt, pulling him back to the present as she kissed his cheek.
They probably seemed like newlyweds with the way they couldn’t keep from touching each other, especially on a direct flight from Vegas. He rested his hand on her thigh, not caring. "Best weekend." He affirmed, chuckling, "a guy could get usedta this."
"I hope so." She laid her hand over his, "if you wanna, I mean."
The question, that moment of doubt was so absurd after the weekend that he couldn’t help laughing, immediately feeling bad about it. "You're serious, aren't ya? I ain't like Kess, okay? Not the kind to use up and toss aside. You're more'n some weekend fling, Jana." He flipped his hand, twining his fingers with hers.
"You're not Kess," she agreed, lowering her voice, "you're so much better and I'm…"
"What?"
"Very serious." Her hand gripped his tightly, rubbing her thumb across the top of his hand.
He looked at their clasped hands for a moment, feeling a flicker of fear for the first time in years. "Let's keep goin' down this road," he murmured, "find out what's at the end."
"Oh look, you’re back an' this time you’ve brought a friend. Fun." Lex Collins sits with his back against a cinder block wall, scrubbing his hands over his face.
"Did you learn anything? That's the real question – we've already covered the definition of insanity so for your sake, I hope so. This, right here, this' what you wanted, isn't it?" He lets his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes for a second.
"I get it now, Shae – crystal clear. You wanna watch the world burn 'cause it gives a feelin' of control you're so lackin' elsewhere. So, should I assume you're in bed with Wolfe? That's the logical conclusion from where I'm sittin', pushed into my little corner here. Am I walkin' to my own demise now, 'gainst my biggest critic an' the puppetmaster himself?"
A shrug. "I'm not gonna mince words, Shae. I don't feel bad about how our last little scuffle ended. Didn't lose a second of sleep over it an' if I'm bein' honest now, I kinda feel a little bit of pride in what I saw last week. Like to think I had a hand in givin' you the rude awakenin' you so sorely needed. The way I saw it, you've been in the driver's seat for every shit decision you've made. Choices, Shae. You got free will – same control over your world the rest of us do. You're just too headfucked to see that."
A crooked smirk, there and gone in an instant. "Are you holdin' the match, or am I?"
He lifts his hand, scratching the back of his head, "so surprise me. Tell me I'm tiltin' at windmills again – you were just the convenient choice, right? Yeah, bullshit. Dwellin' on the past is like closin' your fingers over a fresh-snuffed match. You feel the heat, an echo of the destructive potential that could've been – wasted potential's the worst, isn't it?"
He shakes his head. "Longest time, I was stuck in a loop, goin' back to revisit memories like some kinda investment. Nearly lost myself there but I'm preachin' at the choir, aren't I? You know all the words to this song even though it's nobody's favorite."
His knuckles pop, one by one. Loudly. "I coulda been a contender. Coulda been somebody instead of a bum – one day you're up on the pedestal an' then the wind changes. The blinders fall off an' you see the depravity like you should've left the party a long time ago. You would've but you couldn't find the door an' it was easier to tell yourself that you were important to the mix. This vital – fuckin' integral – part of it all. I don't know what your endgame is here, Shae. I don't care. There's a term for this."
He slaps the wall with his palm, "back's 'gainst the wall – literally. Wolves at the door an' I'm faced with the choice I hate more'n anythin' else. Do I let go or get dragged?"
His eyes close for a second like he's steeling himself. "We got our roles," he swallows hard. "Gestalt theory – that's what it's called – the whole's something other'n the sum of the parts. You feel me? Fuck destiny. Fuck your dark horses an' attempts to draw blood from stones. Connect the dots 'tween the choice that brought you here an' where you're ultimately headed. One flush away from infamy! But your existence in this business began with a single step. One giant fall awaits an' I'm not gonna throw you a lifeline. You bought your demise, Shae. I'm gonna douse you in gasoline an' toss a match. You're not a phoenix. You'll just burn."
A hoarse chuckle serves as punctuation.
"I don't give a shit if nobody steps up to have my back against you and that rich prick. Not gonna sweat more empty threats. I know what your lies sound like and I'm done, Shae. I spent seventeen years of my life putting hashmarks in the wall, simply existing. I'm done simply existing. I've got a reason to live and your buddy Wolfe can't take that – it's instinctual – I'm a survivor."
He sniffs, shakes his head.
"You got me where you want me – back's against the wall." He stretches out his arms, crucifix pose, "got no nails so I guess we'll skip the cross. Can't martyr a willin' monster anyhow."
A beat. He stares forward, his eyes dead black as he bites his lip. When he speaks again, his voice is strained in an obvious attempt to rein in his temper.
"Pass the contempt, Shae – hear it's the best seasonin' when someone's bitten off more'n they can chew."
