Shoot 005: Fire Within

"Second night in a row I'm up 'fore dawn. BAD KITTY wants to sink her claws in, bring home roadkill for her masters. Except I'm not dead. Got tenderized, sure. Not tryna downplay. Not at all. I knew that was gonna happen. Spent my childhood watchin' for the signs, those twitchy little tells. Got so I could feel the energy in the air the second he came home. Same as then, I took what was comin' even though most days my only transgression was breathin'. The thing is: I took it. Ate it up like fuckin' Oliver Twist, asked for more. Leaves me thinkin' Neil Young lyrics - the needle an' the damage done like bein' a human punchin' bag's an addiction. Kinda is - hard habit to break, too."

A sigh.

"In this meat grinder, we're these sentient suicide machines, prepped for violent ends an' I'm this anathema 'cause I won't crow from rooftops. Ain't afraid of heights. No. I just got broken every time I had a flush of pride. Ain't after glory still 'cause it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Someone says I'm good, I gotta deny it. Gotta do a reflexive shoulder-check. Now it's ingrained behavior but you push me enough an' it flares. The anger, hot an' righteous - protest the bullshit like a real punk icon. Better? Faster? Just don't. Not today. Not when my back's still sore from pushin' against walls. Tryna put fire out with napalm? Yeahhhh, genius move there. Gonna burn harder now, hotter."

The vehemence is there and gone so quickly it could have been imagined.

"The thing that can be your savin' grace often disguises itself as an enemy. Same theme, different day: humility's not just a 66-point Scrabble word. I know what you're thinking: 'Jesus, Lex, that's so profound 'cept it's got no place in the ring'. So you'll toss my attempt to communicate in the trash an' get on with your day. Last thing you need's a lecture from some nobody like me. You follow in the footsteps of no man 'cause you're whatever in the hell you THINK you are. Hot shit? HOT SHOT? I dunno.

Feel like everything that's happened lately's been some test pattern. Wake up, Job - hey, buddy. How you been? Ready for another trial by fire? Got the faith to withstand this? Yeah. I do."

"Great night. Great company," Lex sighed, leaning back and rolling up the sleeves of the dress shirt he still had on. He didn't really care that the suit was going to end up smelling like a campfire. Relaxing here was the perfect cap to a perfect date night.

"Best part of the night is right now... you, me, a fire on the beach, and just the ocean to listen to."

It was like she pulled the thoughts from his head. Lex nodded in agreement, "it's heaven. Swear I died a month ago."

Jana giggled. "It's not heaven... it's Virginia." She looked up at him as the fire crackled, "doesn't sounds as good as Iowa, but oh well."

The reference sailed right over his head. "Other'n Slipknot? Nah. Iowa's not all that great." He met her gaze, completely serious, "too much corn, not enough Janas," her name morphed into a bemused chuckle.

She grinned and leaned against him. "No Lexs there... so definitely not heaven."

"Not sure I'd go to the good place," his smile faded.

"Everyone belongs in the good place," she replied, "and you've been nothing but good to me."

"You kidding? I dunno how anyone could ever be anything else." He shrugged, "reciprocity, I mean."

"I'm just me," she demurred, "it's not like I try to bring out the good or not-so-good in anyone."

"Nope. You've got a good soul," Lex murmured.

"First impression? Is that what you thought when we went out for burgers?"

"Nah. That was a puzzle," he started drawing figure-eights on her bare shoulder, "had to figure out why you were with Kess in the first place 'cause I just couldn't reconcile... an' then I didn't care anymore. His loss an' I was too stunned. Surprised I even managed more'n two words the whole time. You were too beautiful in person."

"A lot of people were surprised by Kaden. I thought it was right to jump.... but it blew up in my face." His other words sank in and she blushed heavily, "too stunned? Too beautiful? You sure you were drinking Pepsi?”

"Yeah I was sober - you are, Jana." He took her hand, lifting it to his lips and kissing her knuckles. "Most beautiful girl I know."

"I didn't know what to expect. I just knew I didn't wanna sit in my old bedroom and dwell on what went down. I went to the show and to dinner afterwards with you and....... I haven't really looked back." She looked up at him, "I'm all about moving forward."

"Forward's best," he stared at her for a few seconds, searching her expression. "You saw me fight first. Before... we really talked. What was your impression? Did you... what was your expectation after social media me?

"I saw you just like our fire tonight - quiet and calming, yet potentially powerful. Then I got to see how the fire inside you burns… when you were in your match, the power burned through. As we talked afterwards, I could see it smolders inside you, ready to flame up at anytime. You've been burned, charred before. And any time it could rise up, burn the world. Yet," she touched his cheek, "this same fire keeps me warm and safe. The fire inside you builds for me, but it doesn't scorch me... us. I don't ever want to put out this flame between us and I hope you won't either." She cuddled against him, eyes closed with a peaceful sigh.

It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard. "Won't."