INTERLUDE: Shell-Shocked

Sentara Norfolk General || July 10, 2017

The first thing he heard was the sound of rain - soothing, hissing against the window with that eerie whisper of white noise. Next thing he heard was the intercom, paging DR. ALLCOME. He'd always found rain soothing. Tonight, not so much. Swimming towards the surface of consciousness, memory was a funny thing. The last few hours were a gaping black hole that threatened to suck him in. There were sights and sounds, disconnected. The roar of a crowd. The oncoming blur of black metal. Splashes of red on dingy canvas.

His head throbbed, a dull ache to his neck when he tried to turn his head. He'd been awake for a while, drifting in and out of consciousness and lucidity, mostly thanks to the cocktail of painkillers they were pumping into him at regular intervals. Panic screamed in his ears, the rain and the silence ominous and his eyes flew open, seeing that white acoustic tile overhead. He'd tried so hard to tell them he couldn't leave The Lair without Jana. He'd tried to tell Tiffany to find her, the words getting all tangled up with the pain and he knew now that nobody had understood what he'd been trying to say.

Driven by pain, he'd freaked out completely when he'd come to inside the ambulance - the past and present had merged and he had no idea whose hands were trying to hold him down, trying to put stitches in the cut on his head. He'd seen Clay's face looming over him. He'd seen Matt Ford's gnashing teeth slick with blood. He'd screamed and flailed and like clubbing a baby seal for sport, they'd finally gotten him calmed after an ambush of tranquilizers.

He could smell alcohol - the medicinal kind overlaid with disinfectant and Pine Sol - he knew where he was now. A hospital. His eyes flew open, and he tried to sit up, making a muffled sound in his throat as pain shot through his nerve endings. He could barely draw a breath, feeling that tightness around his middle, recognizing that well enough after all these years. Lex Collins bit his lip so hard he tasted blood, trying to tamp down the urge to bolt out of the bed and flee. Silvery light caught his attention, drawing his gaze to the window and the rain sliding down the glass. He saw her there, the fan of blonde hair hiding the face that was buried in the crook of her arm - huddled in the chair, still wearing the same outfit she'd had on when he'd last seen her in the crowd before all hell had broken loose.

She's here. She's safe. They left her alone – you were the only target.

Closing his eyes, he felt the impact of the boots and fists and the chairs over again. He'd be reliving that over and over for the next few days, he knew. Every time he passed by a mirror and saw what they'd done, it would come rushing back – he knew that from experience.

He sighed, reaching up to rub his gummy eyes only to find that his hands were still taped, knuckles stiff and swollen. The screaming panic in his head receded slightly as he closed his eyes, feeling for the edge of the tape, picking at it with his thumb. He started with the right, reverse to the order he taped them in. Always. It was stiff with dried sweat and blood he wasn't sure was his own and it came off loudly but he kept unravelling it because once started, it had to be seen through to the end. The sound merged with the rain, louder now, more insistent as though it was in some sort of competition with the pulse pounding in his head. When the right was free, he wadded the tape in his left hand, squeezing it into a tight ball - he could smell the glue over everything else, soured with sweat.


Stuck in a surreal dreamscape, the rain droning on as it hit the window pane sent Jana into a brief mini-slumber.

He's okay. Just beat up inside. But why does this one hurt more? Mom stayed in the hospital after Resurrection for a night. Uncle Vince spent nearly two months in a coma. Todd relished going to the hospital like it was a badge of honor….. and Dad… but this… this scares me. What's that sound? Ripping? There it is again. Now a low moan? He's in pain… wait. Wake up. Wait. Wake up, Jana!

Her eyes fluttered open slowly, the rain still pouring down outside. The unmistakable sound of tape being unwrapped was heard nearby as she turned her head. She pulled herself out of the chair quickly, still foggy from sleep, scrambling over to his bedside. "Lex!" Her voice cracked as she said his name in a loud whisper.

"Shhhhh," he replied, looking up at her slowly, "it's late an' people're sleeping." The attempt at a joke fell so very flat when he couldn't manage a smile to go with it. He tried that wry chuckle instead but his throat was so dry it made him cough. That hurt. A lot. "Aw.....shit." He managed to croak out after a few seconds of shallow breathing.

She started to smack his chest over the bad joke but stopped short. "Do you want some water? Is there anything I can get you? Do I need to get the nurse?" She looked over at the IV then at Lex then over at the water pitcher and cup, unsure, frazzled, scared.

"Could go for a Pepsi," his voice came out small, hoarse, "but water'll do." The smile came this time, fleeting and a little sad. "Fucked up, didn't I?"

She walked over towards the pitcher and poured a small cup full, her hand shaking but hidden from his view. "You didn't fuck up, Lex." She closed her eyes and sighed, trying to relax, then turned around to see him watching her.

He didn't say anything. His eyes were bloodshot, flecks of dried blood stuck to his skin – he knew how terrible he looked. He knew what was going through her mind and he couldn't bring himself to lie to her, to say it wasn't going to happen again. He knew he'd go back. He knew it wasn't over – Wolfe had it in for him, after all. That much was damned obvious.

"Lex?" Jana held the cup up to his lips and tipped it back slightly, letting him take a small sip. She kissed his forehead then took the cup back, setting it on the table beside the bed. "The numbers were against you." Her voice cracked at the end as a tear formed. She blinked it away in the dimly lit room, trying not to worry him.

"Numbers never matter." He swallowed, falling silent for a second. No filters existed when he'd been this heavily medicated. Gingerly, he moved over as much as he could. "Sit if you wanna," he patted the mattress, looking at the IV going into the back of his left hand, before up at her again. "Whatever they're givin' me......Jeeeeeesus. You gotta be tired. I'm sorry. Next time..."

"Shhhhh. It's okay, I'm okay. It's you I'm... I'm worried about...." she faltered, "about you."

He wanted to tell her not to worry, to explain how this was the reality he knew best. The punishment this time hadn't been as severe. He'd heal. "I'm alright," he said softly, hating himself for slipping back into that familiar old lie. How many times had he told Hannah that when they were kids? How many times had he slipped into her bedroom halfway broken only to have those words fall out? How many times had she found him huddled in the treehouse, bleeding, trying to hold back the tears?

Gingerly, she climbed onto the bed, trying not to bump or disturb him. She turned sideways, lying on her hip, her smaller frame fitting snugly against him. She lay her head beside his on the pillow. Her hand trailed down his arm and she slid her hand under his, avoiding the IV in his arm. "Don't worry about next time yet, baby. Just get better for now. We'll deal with next time later." Her lip quivered slightly as she looked upon all the bandages, trying to hide her anguish for his current condition. Her heart fluttered as she kissed his shoulder.

"Rainin' hard," he murmured, "hope it is anyhow, otherwise might be somethin' wrong with my ears, too." He turned towards her, his eyes so dark they looked black. "Pretty sure I punched the guy," at her expression, he licked his lips, shaking his head imperceptibly, "not Wolfe. The... the medic. Or maybe the doctor. Not sure which. If you see 'im, can you tell..." he paused, blinking. "I didn't mean it. Just... kinda had a little..." any other time he would have hesitated before telling her what happened when he got hurt, when people tried to hold him down.

"I'll tell them. I'm sure they understand. You were probably out of it." She looked concerned as his eyes grew dark, not sure what that meant. "And yeah, it's been raining rather hard. You're okay, baby. You're gonna be okay." The way she kept saying it made him wonder if she was trying to convince herself more than him.

He wanted to comfort her, wanted to wipe away that fear he could feel coming off her in waves. "Jana... I..." he shifted tracks in mid-thought, his mind skipping back to what she'd said. "Gotta worry. There'll be a next time," the words came out with quiet certainty, "made an enemy an' I just can't..." he bit his lip, not sure if she'd understand, "people like to hurt me. Must just have one of them faces."

For a long moment, she stayed quiet, her thumb rubbing across his as they held hands. Finally, she looked over and saw the rain had stopped. Maybe it was a sign. "Just relax," she murmured, "I got ya." She turned back to smile at him as they locked eyes.

Lex sighed, feeling the words boiling up inside him.

She needs to know.

"Was a night like this they sent me away. Didn't have a window but it was early, I 'member that... fucked up then, too. Didn't get back up. Couldn't. Lost too much blood... the movies make it look cool when a guy goes through glass." He sighed, closing his eyes, "God, it hurt. So much. I still dunno if he meant to throw me that hard. It just... it happened. Too loud an' I was there on the lawn... couldn't move. Thought everything was broken – they said I was lucky. Neighbors called the cops then. Wasn't... they told me it wasn't my fault. Heard that so much it just... it's white noise, y'know? Bad people do bad things an' it ain't no reflection but it was. 'Cause I... I was only a couple years younger'n you an' all I had to do was make it through to December an' I was gonna disappear. Keep my head down. Take the licks 'til then. I was doin' alright."

He was reciting the words like a mantra, his voice hollow, gaze distant when his eyes opened again, seeing another nearly identical hospital room. "Get in another scrap. Cover it up. Get back up no matter what. Keep moving. Always gotta get up. Move." Tears slid down his cheeks, dripping into his ears. He didn't notice. Didn't feel them. "Shoulda just taken the fall."

"Shhh..." her hand let go of his and cupped his chin, turning it towards her. "Lex..." he blinked, his eyes focusing on her, "hey. There you are. Listen to me: you didn't fuck up. That's just bad people being bad people. You're not like them. You were just surviving, doing what you had to do." Her eyes looked into his soul, that gentle touch on his face keeping him from slipping back into the past.

"You're not bad at all... you're not even drawn that way." She smiled at the corny joke, then pressed her lips against his. "You're the best thing for me, and I'm not letting you go."

"Never told you how I got the scars." He bit his lip, forcing himself to maintain the eye contact as he searched her expression for any kind of recrimination. "Wasn't the worst thing he ever did but it was up there." He hesitated for a few seconds before letting the words out, "just don't want you to look at me different."

"I'm not. I wouldn't. The scars made you into the man I know. Good or bad, they've made you the man you are in front of me, the man who asked me for a burger and Pepsi a few weeks back." Her thumb slid along his cheek as she cupped his chin. "The man…. I've fallen in love with." She saw the spark as she made her proclamation. "I'm young and naive, but I'm not blind. And I'm sharing a bed with someone I care so deeply for, that I want, that I need... that I don't wanna be without."

She still wants you. Even after this. How?

"Good news." His voice came out soft, "not goin' anywhere," he lifted his hand to lay it over hers, "still here. Takes more'n that to cut me down."

"No matter what happens down at the shipyard-"

"Shh," he said, "don't. Not now." Lex dragged in a deep breath, wincing at the pain. His ribs were probably broken. Again. There probably wouldn't be a fight next week. No way they'd clear him in this condition. "You're here. Fuck them – they're not. That's what matters."

"it's a good thing we're in a hospital bed and you're hurt, or I....." she leaned over and whispered something in his ear. His eyes widened as she kissed his cheek, laying her head back on the pillow beside his, a sly smirk on her face even though she was blushing slightly.

He shook his head, letting out a small laugh, "tryna finish me off?"

She giggled. "Not until you're better," on the heels of that promise, she pressed her lips against his, a sigh escaping as their kiss lingered. A soft purr resonated into his lips from hers.

"Mmmmhmm," despite the pain, despite the anger he still felt burning deep inside, they hadn't taken this away from him – she still wanted him. "Incentive then," he grinned.

"And..... yours, just yours." She sighed very happily.

"Glad you're here."

Jana snuggled in carefully against his body, trying not to inflict any more pain to her man. "....always."

"Should get some sleep," he whispered, closing his eyes as he gave in to the pull of the drugs. The exhaustion was crashing over him in waves but for once he didn't feel like that was tantamount to drowning, "stay like this... while we can."

"Rest now, my love," Jana whispered back, her hand lowering from his cheek to rest directly over his heart, as if she wanted to protect that more than anything.