Post by Admin on Aug 24, 2017 3:30:08 GMT -5
"I am Jack's smirking revenge. Those words seem almost prophetic right now – a sort of fucked up foreshadowing I might otherwise appreciate if it weren't feeling like the end of days."
There's a soft sigh.
"I took a moment to claw the focus back from the brink of panic. Just breathin', feelin' my rapid pulse startin' to slow. Nice even breaths. Maybe I won't have to take a pill 'cause I got Jana's hands on my cheeks, giving me those calm assurances – she's still here. Take stock of the damage. Head's poundin', vision's kinda blurred – can still think, still feel. She asks me if I can stand, if I wanna go home an' I immediately start thinkin' of a fire on the beach, hearin' the crackle. Eyes open again an' I'm back in the present, tellin' her 'I'm alright' without any trace of falsehood. I was.
Still am.
The world might be out to get me but I'm firmly grounded in the moment – rememberin' the reason for the fight. It's not just to feel the pain anymore. Nope. I didn't make any mistakes. I may be shaken but..."
Bitter laughter.
"Ain't shook – not graspin' at strengths. Or straws. You think my only claim to fame's this punch that'll shatter bones. Is that strength? Maybe. Not always. I can hurt you. I may even enjoy doing it. Clarity hits me, snaps my head back like Bricks're wont to do. Seein' stars now – the truth's right there, starin' me in the face. Hatred isn't strength. Anger didn't build me up. It hollowed me out. Burned itself up, takin' all that mental clutter with it. Left me open to be filled with somethin' infinitely better. Love is strength. Kindness is strength. That's the hard shit, push yourself into those two things. Try an' complete one set.
That ain't a mistake, telegraphed or otherwise. An' if that's how you view it, I feel more pity'n a piece of shit like you's ever gonna deserve. Anarchists don't know shit – if you raze the world you're standin' on, you'll be consumed with the rest. You know this, right? But the fire, God, it looks so good when it's completin' that circle – ash back to ash. Can't help but be in awe of that. I wanna tear it all down. Start over. Start better."
His voice is pitched low like usual, but seems harder somehow.
"I'm a fighter by nature – dumb punk kid. James Dean cool, rebel without a clue – put some studs on my leather jacket, roll in on my motorcycle an' play it up. Too cool, buckin' the rules. Anti-establishment like a million other guys who do it better in their sleep. Yeah, I know people watch every little tic, lookin' for the glitch in the routine. Gotta find the thread. Gotta pull it – watch me unravel. They dig that. Asses fill those seats 'cause we've been conditioned as a species to crave this spectacle since Roman times. The gladiator trip – they need to see someone go out there, fuck with the system or get fucked up tryin'. We get off on that 'cause it makes us feel empowered. It's that rebel instinct. Same one makes you slow down to gawk at a car wreck 'cause watchin' order dissolve into chaos is exhilaratin'. What those happy little people in their paid seats don't get is what it feels like to be pushed to the edge of reason an' keep from slidin' off into the abyss. We're the sideshow, some twisted tale where the wild are strong an' the strong are the darkest ones. What a fucking revelation that is, huh? Self-creation's painful when all you're really doin' is spinnin' wheels, rebuildin' that mystery from the foundation up endlessly. Old habits die the hardest.
We're the darkest ones. All of us.
Hate's easy. The wide, paved, road'at goes nowhere. Damned if it don't look promisin', though. Well-lit an' it's so smooth you can just fuckin' coast right down to the finish line – easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. It's too crowded for my tastes. Too many suckers, too many silver spoons shinin' in those loud mouths. My road's dark an' twisted, dangerous pocked pavement with the weeds growin' up in dry, dead patches. Blows your tires out. Hurts your feet, wears your soul thin. At night, there's these horror movie trees'at reach for you with grabby hands. They wanna take it all away. They lie in wait. Sometimes they succeed 'cause they're so damned patient."
Lex's voice trembles, strained now.
"It's night. It's dark an' I can't see what's ahead. Goin' in blind, knowin' I have to keep on truckin' to the end an' Jana... she's... she's gonna be there. She was there the night I put Shae down. The night the fire came – I tell myself I can do this. Like I was waitin' my whole life for this one throwaway moment. Hearin' the fire cracklin', feelin' the pull of the water tonight. I need to hear it one last time – the sound of that crowd chantin' my name. Don't tell me I'm good – been hearin' that garbage all my life from people who thought that was what I wanted – what I needed to hear. I need to feel it. Unequivocally. Need to know I'm not just Humpty Dumpty, waiting to fall, scramble an' scatter below.
Vultures circle, ready to make a breakfast of champions. Rest in pieces.
They keep comin', peckin' away, exposin' every imaginary fault 'til real blood starts flowin'. They think they got you on the ropes. Been through this so many times it seems like second nature now. Turn the other cheek; let 'em peel off another layer. I've been breakin' an' rebuildin' since I was little. Tell me how you're gonna reshape this world, go out with a bang. No. You won't. The world wants nothin' more'n to keep pounding you into submission. That's how you earn that out. That's how it always ends, no matter who you think you are."
