Shoot Finale: There Are Worse Things I Could Do

"Always wanted to be clever. If I could reinvent myself, if wishes came true, that'd be the one on the tip of my tongue. Ask 'em to cut that wire, find that rusted part an' replace it so I could just get the thoughts in my head to pass my lips in some sorta semblance of coherence. But we get what we get – or is it deserve – an' the onus is on us to make it work. So I throw myself off the cliff without lookin'. Rocks down below? A meat grinder? Don't matter 'cause'm already airborne. Perseverance... tenacity... are those admirable in this business? Prob'ly better off askin' Keith Daniels that one. All I know can be summed up succinctly: endless beatin' at the hands of another makes you malleable; a fact that you never realize 'til it's too late. What're you bein' shaped into? Winner? Loser?”

There's a derisive chuckle, the scorn thick enough to choke on.

"You that funhouse mirror version of that snot-nosed kid you usedta be? Or has time stripped all rough edges, polishin' you into a crazy diamond from coal? Think I can be all of those; various times, different circumstances. That begs the inevitable question: what'm I now? What happened after Ana called me a poser? What happened after Kei claimed to've looked into my soul an' saw the real Lex? What happened when I didn't win? Have those missteps – those losses – changed me? What'll I be when I hit that ring first for the Clusterfuck Gold Rush Gauntlet? Questions, questions everywhere an' not a drop to drink. We'll put a pin in that – revisit later.

Yesterday was Easy Rider, rollin' on down the coast highway, her arms around me on a bike. Just us an' the ecumenical blur. Ain't gonna make you look it up. Nondenominational... universal... it's a sorta religious experience out there on the road, in the moments where the lines blur an' you feel like you're invincible, immortal, unstoppable. Took us to church. Found I needed that shift – we both did – that change of scenery, unplanned an' unscripted. Nothin' telegraphed outside a few looks an' the touch of her hands on the insides of my thighs as she hung on. Usually I'm in the zone by now but I had to take a step back. Had to start seein' the happy little trees again. 'Member them? Yeah. I'll never forget.

I fought my heart out… eight fuckin' times, through all the bullshit, all the last-minute changes. Every goddamned show, I was here, throwin' all the irons in the fire, goin' hard as I could. To the victor go all the spoils, right? Yeah. Fucking spoilt, too. Teemin' with infestation, makin' a guy feel sick just to look. Smashed car, paranoid twitches, collateral damage – oh yeah, I hit the jackpot. You think this fuckin' piece of leather an' metal's enough? Nine fuckin' days – squatter's rights on this an' for what? To have the meanin' stripped away with another barrier, another goddamned obstacle? Oh yeah, I'm over the fuckin' moon right now."

He sucks his teeth, sniffing disdainfully.

"Give me everythin' in the world, grant every wish ever an' you wouldn't even come close to givin' me what I've EARNED here. You think I'm dumb enough to think if I outlast, if I pin enough shoulders, I'll finally get my answer? At this point, it doesn't matter if it was Wolfe or Shae or Jimmy fuckin' Hoffa behind all these machinations. Don't care anymore. I thought I was above all this, all along. Spent years tellin' myself I didn't wanna be the top of the heap, didn't wanna be singled out – where were you on that one, lie detector? Huh? C'mon, so fuckin' smart an' you couldn't call me out on my flimsiest rhetoric? Sure, I just wanna fight. Always. All. Ways. Scratch that violent itch. Fall down the rabbit hole where the pain brings the real me outta hidin'. Kept sayin' I just wanna fight. The record stays on the good side. I win more'n I lose – have since 2013. I told myself none of it was ever gonna go to my head. Pride… nah. Not me. No ego. No satisfaction of a job well done. Just dust off. Hang up the boots. Let the knuckles scab over – heal 'cause tomorrow's another day, another dollar, another few pages in the storybook an' maybe they won't notice I tore a whole section out. Good morning. Don't cop out.

Revisionist history's for those who can't accept the truth. So's resurrection. Reinvention – some of us could prob'ly use a fuckin' INTERvention. I could roll video right now. Could look right into the camera's eyes an' tell you I've learned from every mistake I made in those eight fights. You could tell me you did too. Then it's just more watercooler talk for the Monday mornin' crew. You see me scramblin'… graspin' at those fuckin' straws – fragments of my once-promisin' reboot of a career. Yeah, Daniels. You're not the only one. I was here first, too.

Those pieces're fuckin' jagged. Blood runnin' from my fists now an' I'm holdin' so tight they're goin' to dust on me. I'm gonna come up empty if I'm not careful.

But there're worse things I could do.

Oh yeah.

I can't stay here in this transitory moment. Nope. Gotta move forward. Onward. Upward to glory – a god ascendin' to Olympus. An' it's me feelin' the breath of the past on my neck that's given me the best motivation. Feels like it'll be the last time lacin' up the boots, tapin' up my hands. I know there's a chance that I won't come out on the other side. I know there's a chance I'll be torn up. Rocks. Meat grinder. Sharks.

There's blood in the water.

Is it mine?

Is it theirs?

Doesn't matter. There's only one sin now: cowardice. I only need to be one thing to survive, to keep MY championship: FEARLESS."