005: Exodus: Part Four (Coward's Choice)

The water in the pool was dark like glass and he watched the ripples cross the surface. He could feel sweat trickling down his back, dripping from his hair as he tilted his head back, watching the stars overhead. This was his moment of Zen, the aftermath when the universe felt like it was on pause. A crooked half-smile was on his lips as he played that same game he'd done since he was a child: counting as many stars as he could before the next breath. Sometimes he talked to them, telling them secrets that he couldn't really utter aloud. Tonight, he'd put all his anger and all his self-loathing into his workout, pushing his body to the limit until his muscles screamed in protest. Now he felt drained physically, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep.

Lex closed his eyes, focusing on how much it hurt to draw a deep breath. He'd pay for it tomorrow, for sure. At least he had until Friday to recover before he had to break himself for the masses. He heard the patio door open and close, counted a few seconds before he spoke, "hey, Loo."

"Hey, Bub." His sister greeted as she moved closer to her brother. "I brought you some water. Figured you might need it."

He looked over, a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Can't sleep?"

Shaking her head, "these days, at least once a night." Lyv set the second glass of water in front of Lex as she sat down in an empty chair. "Used to be nightmares that woke me up, but since Jax came back it's just automatic." Sitting back, she threw her brother a soft smile. "How 'bout you?"

"Can't shut my brain off." He shrugged and sighed, returning his gaze to the water. "I feel fuckin' schizophrenic, y'know? When I'm home… when I'm in Virginia, it's this whole other reality. I… I'm the puzzle piece that fits, I guess. An' it's weird. It's… it's not that it feels wrong over somethin' else feelin' more right, y'know? It's…" he lifted his hand to his face, scrubbing it over his lips like he did when he was anxious. "I dunno how to even explain. They're right. All the shit they said about me-"

"Who?" Lyv frowned, not quite following the thread of her brother's rant.

"Finn. His fuckin' pals. Said I was a coward. Forget who started it. Said I run when it gets hard. I keep settin' course to go back home, take the longest way there on purpose. I know it ain't fair to her. I know she's givin' me space because she thinks I'm more fucked up over this garbage than I really am." He waved his hand as if trying to brush aside an insect, "in February, I knew it was comin'. I held on for her, 'cause I promised an' it all made sense until I went to Chicago where everything got all scrambled up." He lifted his hands up, rubbing them over his mouth and cheeks.

"You've been living two different lives the past couple weeks. It's not gonna last forever." Her heart was breaking for her brother. Aside from her husband and son, Lex was the most important guy in her life. "I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to make this better for you." Lyv brought her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "At the end of the day – whenever that comes – you'll make a choice and we'll support whatever it is."

"Either way, someone gets hurt." The words came out quiet as he closed his eyes. "I don't wanna be that guy, Loo. The one who breaks hearts. Who uses people up an' throws them away but that's what this is, y'know? And I told Jana… I promised at the start I wasn't gonna do her like that… like how Kess did. I promised her forever. I didn't even give her… fuckin' six months. That's not enough."

Lyv nodded, "sounds like you just made your choice." A heavy sigh came out as she grabbed her glass of water. She hated the thought of Hannah being hurt again, but she also hated that Lex was in such turmoil. "I'll be here for her – you know that – Jax and I both will."

"No," he shook his head, biting his lip again so hard he tasted blood. "You don't get it. When I'm with Han… it's like… fuck… it's like the last ten years never happened. It's like how things shoulda been before all the bullshit. It's… I know who I am. Who I should be. There's none of that stupid shit hanging over my head. There's no reason to prove myself. I can just…" he trailed off, reaching for the water.

"I know." She followed his gaze, watching the ripples in the pool from the breeze. "They say it's all about timing." It had been nice watching Lex and Hannah with their daughter, very heart-warming. The way Allegra overflowed with joy at having her father around made Lyv smile to think of now. "No matter what happens, you'll always have-"

"She loves me," he cut her off, shaking his head. "She never stopped an' I can't wrap my head around that. How the hell does that make sense, Loo? I walked out on her. I took up with Claire before it was even…" he closed his eyes, chuckling bitterly.

"You guys have been through a lot together. Through hell and back. That changes you but there's something to it, that bond that will never break," she was talking about her own relationship, about the storms she'd weathered with Jackson. "Despite everything, you still manage to find each other."

"The universe conspires." Lex murmured, resting his cheek against his knees as he drew them up to his chest. "An' I usedta think I had no control, that things happen if they're supposed to or vice versa and now, I dunno. Was I meant to put a bullet in Clay's head or was that supposed to go the other way? Was I meant to drown? Was I meant to ever make it outta that house alive?" He opened his eyes to stare at her. "Where does the line get drawn?"

Lyv got up and walked over, kneeling in front of him as she stared up into his face. The questions he'd wondered had been along the lines of the ones she'd asked herself throughout the years. "I think that you're exactly where you're supposed to be." Her hands rested on his arms. "If Clay was supposed to kill you, you wouldn't be here. You were meant to make it out of that house because you're right here with me. He may have won so many battles, but he lost the war."

"I don't hear his voice anymore." He looked away, his voice coming out small. "So I guess that's a win?"

"Are you kidding?" Her expression, which had been serious, was now brightening with a smile. "That's a huge win! Sometimes… not lately though…. I still hear him. It's way in the back of my head and it's almost a whisper. You beat him, Lex. He doesn't have any power over you."

He didn't bother to acknowledge that. There was no joy in overcoming that evil. He'd found all the pieces. He'd put them back together a million times over the years. There was nothing to celebrate. It was just an automatic impulse. "I don't wanna be a shitty parent. Not just like him. I mean in general. I want her to look up to me. To feel like I'll be there when she needs." Was he trying to justify the lean towards Hannah by wanting to give Allegra that nuclear stability that he'd lacked in his own life? "I don't even know what I'm saying." 

"Allegra… she loves you so much. She knows where she stands with you and you have to know how much she adores you. She's such a Daddy's Girl it isn't even funny. Even when she was a baby, you were the only one who could get her to stop crying." She gave his arms a squeeze before dragging the chair over closer to plop down on the edge of it. "Don't ever worry about being a bad parent, because you won't be. You care too much, Lex. That's not a bad thing. It really isn't."

"So confident." He chuckled, "wish I was. I look at her an' I'm terrified of a thousand things at once. What if the world ends...what if she gets hurt? What if she gets sick? What if I get sick? It's just...how the fuck do you compartmentalize that?"

"It's never gonna be easy. You are gonna lay awake countless nights afraid that any minute decision you've made is gonna mess them up." She'd dealt with that from the time her son was born and then with her daughter. "But, you'll know that you've done the best you can. Whatever, you just gotta roll with it. You're gonna be fine."

"Yeahhh." He exhaled slowly.

"Trust your little sister, Bub." Her smile widened a bit. "Okay?"

"Does she really love me?" The question came out so suddenly that he bowed his head. "Shit. I didn't...you don't gotta answer that."

"You have no idea. For her, the sun rises and sets on you." Reaching out, Lyv grabbed her glass of water, taking a drink. "You're her dad."

"I…" he reached for his own glass, holding it between his hands but not taking a drink. "I meant… Han."

Lyv stared at him before she nodded. "More than you can fathom."

Lex snorted bitter laughter, "see, I don't get that. Why? I wasn't...I mean we barely...y'know...there coulda been so many better things for her if I never talked to her. If I never came in and threw my damage at her feet."

"That's the thing, love is a fickle bitch. There's no reasoning with it." Lyv looked out at the pool. "Sometimes it's unconditional – the truest kind is."

"I don't deserve that." He looked over at her, his eyes sad. "Never did."

"And I call bullshit." Her eyes were back on him.

"Karma, right? Get what you give. 'Cept it doesn't go around that way for me. Not...I still don't get why Claire left. Even now. I...it doesn't make sense. I tried to walk in her shoes. I did." He shrugged, "and maybe that's my payback. For what I did to Han."

"The moment she had a spotlight on her, she dropped you like a bad habit," there was disgust in her tone, "didn't need to ride your coat-tails anymore." Lyv spat the words out with no intention of masking how she felt about her ex-sister-in-law. Inhaling, she took a moment before continuing. "That's unfair to punish yourself like that. You both needed time to heal."

"For better...or worse." He murmured, "like you and Jax."

A small smile spread across her face as she nodded. "You deserve love like that."

"I want it. Is that enough?"

"I think so." Bringing her glass to her lips, she finished her water and set it on the table. "I guess now you just gotta figure out who you want it with."

"Can't have both. I know." He chuckled, " much as I wanna, I know it's gonna end bad if I carry on much longer."

Leaning over, Lyv placed a hand on Lex's arm. "It probably doesn't seem like it, but it'll turn out all right in the end, you'll see." She could hear the voice of Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Pots, reciting that same line. She'd been watching Beauty and the Beast with her daughter. "Trust me?"

"I trust you." He nodded. "Trust her too."

"You guys okay?" Hannah was standing in the patio doorway as her big dog Oz went running past her and into the backyard. "Sorry to interrupt; Oz had to go out." She felt awkward standing there as her arms crossed against her chest.

"You're fine, Han." Lyv said, smiling at her best friend. "I was just gonna head on back up to bed." As she stood up, she leaned in and hugged Lex, kissing the top of his head. "Try to get some sleep?" The blonde grabbed her glass and walked back inside, leaving the two of them alone.

Hannah slid the patio doors shut as she moved closer to Lex. "Oz woke me up and then I realized you weren't in bed." She bit down on her lower lip. "You okay?"

"Couldn't sleep." He flashed a sheepish smile, pouring out the water on the patio now that his sister was gone. He knew she meant well, but a drink wasn't going to fix what was wrong inside of him. "You know how it is."

"Yeah, all too well." In the past, Hannah would have prodded at him until he'd tell her what was wrong. She wouldn't do it this time. If Lex wanted to talk, he would. "Don't stay out here too late?" He needed his rest with that big match coming up.

"Stay with me?" He reached over, pulling the chair Lyv had been using a little closer.

"Yeah, I can do that." Without missing a beat, she walked over and sat down next to him. Looking out, she spotted Oz close by, sniffing around. "I don't blame Jax and Lyv for moving back. It's gorgeous out here."

"It is, yeah. Always liked the weather here. Cools right down at night an' there's always that electric vibe in the air. That sounds weird, I know. But I always felt that in Vegas. Even when I wasn't on the strip in the middle of the tourist trap. It's a desert thing, I think." He turned so he was facing her, "maybe it'll be good for you. Bein' here, I mean."

Hannah gazed back at him, part of her getting anxious. She had a feeling that maybe he was putting a stop to what they'd been doing. "Yeah, I mean Allegra loves it and Christian and Penelope are like her own siblings." Her hands rested on her lap, her heart beating like a drum in her chest. She was thankful that Oz had opted to come sit by her, his chin laying on her legs. She could pet him, that'd give her something to do with her hands. "Oz seems to approve as well."

"Well," Lex chuckled, looking down at the dog, "he's the most discerning of all of us, I'm sure."

She laughed a bit with him, her expression then going serious. "Do you think you'd wanna stay out here longer?" The words came out smooth enough, despite how on edge she felt.

"Took a job with Vengeance Pro... they're exclusive to Nevada far as I know. As long as I got matches, I'll be comin' round." He smiled reaching out to rest his hand on her knee. "You okay with that?"

Pausing, she let what he'd said play over in her head as she nodded. "I'm very okay with that." The anxiety she'd felt was starting to loosen its grip on her. "It means I'll be seeing you more." Her hand that wasn't petting the dog rested on Lex's.

"It does." His voice dropped to a whisper, as if he was worried someone might overhear. "You keep worryin' I'm gonna call this off, don'tcha?"

"I do." Hannah nodded. "I've never been this happy. Sometimes I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. There's that fear in the back of my head and even though I know that at some point it'll happen, I'm just not ready for that shoe to drop." She looked up into his eyes. "When it's all said and done, I'm just so thankful that I've gotten this time with you. It's shown me how good things coulda been."

"Yeah," he replied. "That's what I was tellin' Loo. It's like we got a do-over, like we got to see who we woulda been back then if things were different."

Hannah grabbed her chair and moved it so they were side-by-side. Holding onto Lex's hand, she tilted her head and rested it on his shoulder. "We woulda made it work…"

"Or killed each other trying?" Lex sighed, closing his eyes. "One or the other, I guess. But we're still here."

"And we found our way back to each other, again." It felt so good to be next to him, to have not just the physical closeness but the emotional and mental. Her nose nuzzled his neck, as she exhaled. "The bad stuff… it's all done."

"You have no idea how much I wanna – shit – how much I need to believe that." His voice came out quiet.

"My head's clear these days – has been for awhile." She slid an arm through his and turned her body so she was facing his side. "The light at the end of the tunnel is bright. Before it was dim and flickering." She let out a yawn, willing herself not to nod off. The talk they were having was important and she wasn't going to lose focus.

"Clear heads're good. Means you can hear what you need to. Your heart. The whisper of the waves. The voice of the universe tellin' you what you gotta do." He murmured, watching her eyes close.

"Right now my heart's saying I'm really happy," she smiled, "…don't want it to end." She felt safe and secure with her head on his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his skin, smelling the salt of his sweat and the oil he used to tame his unruly hair.

"I'm right here." He replied, waiting for her to fire back that question asking how long. Instead he was met with silence and he knew she'd nodded off. He tilted his head back, eyes fixed on the stars again. He made a wish, feeling the prickle of tears that blurred his vision.

Just a little longer. A little more time until I have to tear it all apart. Can you give me that? Please? She deserves happiness. They both do.