001: Fell On Black Days

Adultery is a crime in Virginia. A crime. A fucking criminal offense, punishable by law.

He couldn't get that out of his head. White marble walls surrounded him, little veins of black and silver running through the slick surface – just enough to break up the uniformity. Clouds of pleasant steam filled the bathroom as he subjected himself to the spray that was one step below flesh-peeling. It felt good to have the hot needles of water drilling down on his back, soothing his aching muscles. He knew now exactly what he was – what he'd always been – and the self-loathing made him feel sick to the core.

Criminal. Liar. Fake. Fraud. Cheater. CHEAT. YOU GODDAMNED CHEATER!

He kept his eyes fixed on the marble veins, forcing the thoughts away. He'd seen enough on social media to know what people thought, how they'd already judged and convicted him without hearing the whole story. His fists clenched as they rested against the wall, arms trembling minutely as he tried to swallow back the anger. It wasn't working. Tracing those little roads of imperfection was too much like looking in a mirror. He ground his knuckles against the stone and sighed, bowing his head, letting the water beat down on his neck. He felt numb, disconnected in a way that he knew wasn't good. If he let the depression go, it would fester, go rancid until all he had left inside was hate and anger just like when shit had started to go south in Sin City.

What the fuck are you doing? What have you done?

"Lex?" Hannah's voice was soft from the bedroom doorway, too low for him to hear.

He let the water wash over him, the heat fading as the hot water tank was finally depleted. He just needed to hold on a little longer. They'd give him a match in Vegas on the 20th – he was confident in that since his last few matches with Vengeance Pro had gone so well. He'd get to hit someone soon, relieve the pressure. Just a few more days and he could get back out there, paste on a shit-eating grin for the masses and try not to burn up in the limelight. He turned his face to the water, letting the cooling spray remove the sweat, the grime and the hot tears that stung his eyes. He braced his hands on the wall, letting his head fall; his eyes drifted closed.

He longed for some peace, for a drink, for a gun – anything to turn off his mind and stop the flood of memories.

Of their own accord, his hands went to the taps, turning off the water as he picked up the towel draped over the towel rack. He wrapped this around his waist before stepping away from the shower, his movements automatic only to freeze when he saw her watching him from the doorway.

"Hey." His voice came out rough, so hoarse he felt the burn in his throat and he couldn't remember when he'd last spoken aloud.

She leaned against the doorframe. "I brought you something for dinner from that Greek place. I remember you used to really like their food."

His breathing was steady, his gaze slightly unfocused as he stepped up to the mirror. He met his eyes in the glass as he leaned forward, flattening his palms against the cool surface. With the soothing contact, his mind seemed to clear a little and he realized Hannah was expecting a reply. He tried to think of something to say, words skipping across the pond in his mind and sinking, swallowed by the darkness. He shook his head, closing his eyes against the truth he saw in his reflection.

"People hate me." The words came out softly, his voice small as he held fast to the counter for a moment longer, trying to anchor himself to reality.

"Lex-"

"Don't," he cut her off, pushing past her to walk into the bedroom, the evidence of the last thirty-some-odd hours spent in bed greeting him with the trashed sheets and the sour smell of sweat. He sat down on the edge of the bed, watching her as she folded her arms across her chest. In the past, she'd have engaged him, she'd have tried to spin his bullshit and play victim. He didn't see that shift now.

She met his glare for a few seconds and then followed him, her voice soft. "I told her you were still feeling sick. She made you a present and I had to promise to give it to you or she wasn't going to let me tuck her in."

His face seemed to have taken on a harder edge, as though it had been carved from granite. A muscle jumped in his jaw as he clenched his teeth. The last thing he wanted to do was take this out on his daughter. She hadn't asked to have a defective father. He lifted his hand up and rubbed it across his jaw.

Hannah's hands were on his shoulders, gently stroking, finding those old knots where the tension always dug in deep. She didn't care about the old scars. She'd been there when they were fresh cuts, seeping through his t-shirt as he tried to pretend there was nothing wrong. He'd opened those wounds so many times since that the blood didn't matter. It wasn't missed even though it had stained arenas across the world.

"She loves you," Hannah rested her forehead against his shoulder. "We both do. That won't change even if the whole world decides they wanna stone you."

"Feels that way." He sighed, shaking his head. "I didn't want it to be like this. Wanted to keep it quiet, low-key. Like when I left Full Throttle. Like how I left WWH… just walk away an' move on." The bitterness crept in, "but they won't let that happen. Gotta drag it through the mud, tear it wide open. Salt an' burn, y'know? An' I never wanted Jana to get caught-" he saw her flinch at the mention of his soon-to-be ex-wife. "People suck."

"Wrestlers suck," she countered, changing the subject, "you should eat."

"Yeah. Maybe in a few." He glanced over at the clock, squinting as though he didn't believe how late it was. "Shit...really did piss the entire day away, didn't I?"

"You needed the rest." She could tell that he'd been crying by how puffy his eyes were and the rasp in his voice. She hadn't heard him like this since they were kids and it cut at her heart even more. "There's been a lot of stress and you moved to the other side of the country. That'll take a toll on you." She paused when their dogs pushed through the half-open bedroom door. Bizzy immediately came over and laid his head on Lex's knee, earning a scratch behind the ears. Oz followed close behind, jumping up on the bed to cuddle in close to Hannah. "Take all the time you need, Lex. I've got you, okay?"

He wanted to open a vein in his head and let all the garbage bleed out but he knew it didn't work like that. His fingers dug into the back of his head, scratching an itch before rubbing the dull ache at the base of his neck. "I dunno what I expected. No matter how… I was gonna end up hated. I just didn't expect her to turn like that. To let the pricks tear me apart all over again. But y'know, maybe it's for the best. Finn said she deserved better. Alessandro called me a piece of shit. Maybe they're right. Maybe...you are what you are. No matter how much you wanna be or see something better."

"You aren't a piece of shit." Her hand came up and rested at the base of his neck. "Those guys do not matter. At the end of the day, the people who do matter, know how wonderful you are." Her hand moved to his shoulder where she gently nudged him. "Lex… I want you to look at me." Her voice was kind but firm.

"I cheated." The words came out softly as his eyes met hers. "What does that make me then?"

"We all make decisions." She kept her hand on his back. "This will pass, okay? You just gotta give it time."

"You know…" he bit his lip, shaking his head. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he closed his eyes. "What hurts the most? Knowin' how you felt when I walked away. Never told you that. Mean...not now. Last year. When I was at that big ol' farmhouse in the middle of nowhere...sittin' there with the silence, tryna figure out what the breaking point was…to understand what makes someone just disappear from your life." By now she had to know he was talking about Claire, the woman he'd left her for in the first place. "How do you go from lovin' someone to barely bein' able to look at them?"

"I can't answer that," she said softly. "When you left…" Hannah paused as she let out a deep breath. That time in her life was still painful to think about. "I uh...I never got to the point that I couldn't look at you. As torn apart as I felt… I just…" she trailed off, unable to finish.

"Just...what? Blamed yourself?" He sighed, "we need to be able to talk about this, y'know? If we're gonna make it work this time around. We gotta communicate better."

"Yeah, I know." Looking up at him, she bit down on her lower lip. "I blamed myself for you not loving me anymore." She'd never told anyone these things. "I hated myself because our daughter wasn't gonna have a family anymore." She shrugged. "Sorry… this is stuff I haven't touched in a long time. Never with anyone."

"Maybe you shoulda," he reached out and took her hand.

"I know it wasn't me… I know that now."

"Wasn't…" he lifted her hand to his lips, kissing the back of it. "Never will be. Mean, unless you're asking who I wanna spend the rest of forever with. Then yeah. It's you, Han. My first an' my last."

Exhaling, she rubbed at her eyes where she felt the prickle of tears. "You know my place, Lex." Lifting her head, she placed a kiss on his cheek. "We're creating a new future. For us. For our family and your career – a clean break from all the old bullshit to start over. I'll be right there with you every step of the way."

"Good," he murmured, "…'cause without you, I can't do this. Any of it."