003: New Age Soldier

After they'd left the doctor's office following the ultrasound, Lex and Hannah had spent the rest of the day with their daughter Allegra. Upon finding out that she was going to be a big sister, the young girl was on cloud nine. She had all these plans as to how she was going to take care of her baby brother or sister. When they'd gotten her home, Allegra had gone straight up to her room and set up an area where her little sibling would sleep. Hannah hadn't been surprised at how her four year-old had reacted. Allegra had always acted like a little mother and had wanted to be a big sister more than anything.

It was just about time for Allegra to go to bed. She'd been put in her pajamas and was sitting on top of her bed, waiting for her dad to come and tuck her in. It had become a regular thing that Lex would put her to bed. It was her favorite part of the day and she waited anxiously. Most nights they read a story together and those were great but the nights he brought in his guitar and sang to her were the best ever. Sometimes she could tell when the music nights would be, when her dad was really quiet for the whole day. Tonight he was noisy, being chased by Oz and laughing as he stopped in the doorway.

"Heya, Peanut," he laughed as Oz jumped up on the toddler's bed, settling himself in. Crossing to the bookshelf, he rested his hands against the well-worn spines of the books — his favorites that had been passed down to her: The Giving Tree, Green Eggs & Ham, The Poky Little Puppy. "Which one do you wanna read tonight?" She was usually eager to pick one so when she folded her arms and shook her head, he was surprised. "You don't wanna read?"

"Nuh-uh!"

He pulled out the Seuss, holding it up. "I'll do the funny voice for Sammy."

She shook her head again, lower lip jutting out.

"You don't want me to read to you?" He put the book back, hesitating for a few seconds, unsure what he was supposed to do now. She loved routine as much as he did and now she was deviating from it and-

"Tell me a story, Daddy."

"A new one?" He looked down as she slipped her little hand into his, trying to pull him towards the bed where the dog was already waiting. Allegra nodded, smiling happily up at him.

"Yeah! A good one!"

"Hmm," he pretended to be pulled off balance, comically stumbling before scooping her up and depositing her on the bed. "That's a tall order, Little Miss. A new one that's also good?"



"Lemme tell you a story." It's been a hot minute since that familiar soft-spoken and earnest voice of Lex Collins assaulted the ears of his opponents. Months, even. Sadly, this is a cop out — no video. He sighs.

"Sing you the song of my people as the kids're wont to say these days: the broken knuckle an' cauliflower ear blues. Lay down a nice gritty bass-line, keep it thrummin' like the tires on asphalt lulling you to sleep when you're tryin' like hell to just make it in one piece to that next gig. Layer in a jazzy back-beat, high hat with the brushes for a little class — the tinkle of broken glass raining down on the canvas from fists that're already bloodied under the tape. Now we got a real groove goin' on. Mean, I could spend an' hour laying it on thicker, but you get the point. This ain't my first rodeo."

There's a soft and wholly self-deprecating chuckle that comes on the heels of that statement.

"I am Jack's smirking revenge — you've heard that one, I'm sure. By now, everyone knows that movie, watched insomniac Norton turn into nihilist Pitt. Everyone's committed some part of it to memory. Spent years in this business where everyone saw themselves as a rebel, like reciting those little phrases would make them cool or edgy or whatever-the-fuck-else. But, y'know, those words seem prophetic to me right now as I'm sitting here in the dark, nursin' a goddamned headache with Greg Graffin remindin' me of the fallacy of epiphany. The point is simple enough, Dag — I'ma call you that since I'm not so much of a dick that I wanna mangle the fuck outta your name."

The silence spins out for a good ten seconds before he speaks again, his voice a little raspier.

"You made an enemy last Anarchy. An' maybe that doesn't register past all the bravado an' bluster an' your ludicrous ego now that you got the Legacy strap in your grip but Andi Snow an' me, we get it. We see the single trees that make up the forest you're droppin' oozin' ahhs over. We know the truth: mortality is the only given. You might win, you might lose, but eventually you're gonna draw the short straw an' your candle gets snuffed. Death doesn't give two shits how great you think you are, man. What you do in the thousands of moments you get between conception an' expiration defines you in ways that're pretty much subjective. None of your ineffectual flailing through life's gonna save you from that fate — we're all gonna die, Dag. If you raze the world you're standing on, you'll be consumed same's the rest of us. You know this, right? I mean you gotta understand that."

He sniffs disdainfully.

"I'm a fighter by nature, even if you wanna assume that was just a mask I was wearin' while I was huffin' celebrity fumes up in the clouds. You don't know me. I get that. All you see is a guy who showed up outta nowhere, walked right into your perfect little bubble with the intent of usurpin'. An', I mean, sure, it looks like that from the outside. Looks like I just walked right in an' expected you to acknowledge this resume filled with alphabet soups you never even tasted, let alone heard of. I get that. I also know my reputation precedes me. I know what people think. I hear the whispers an' I know people still watch me a little closer'n I'd like. Asses fill those seats 'cause we've been conditioned as a species to crave this spectacle — the gladiator trip — they need to see someone go out there an' fuck with the system. All the summer blockbusters're full of heroes an' villains. Much as I hate gettin' shoved into a role... in Nigeria, it’s gonna happen. I get that you wanna destroy somethin' beautiful, I really do. It's that rebel instinct — same one that makes you slow down to gawk at a car wreck. Watching order dissolve into chaos is a real trip, ain't it?"

Another soft chuckle.

"I’m no hero, Dag. Get that through your head now. I will not take the straight an' narrow path. I'll come at you hard. Rip you apart 'cause you earned it. Tried to halt my return to glory on the first night back in the big leagues? Nahhhh. Fuck that. Fuck you, man. Fuck. You. Here we are on opposite sides of a coin playin' the same trip. You wanna set the world on fire, fan the flames an' revel in your absolute power — a child with a magnifying glass, roasting ants with sunbeams, playing God. Juvenile horseshit. See, I wanna set the world on fire, too. I wanna open their eyes. I wanna ignite them, stir their minds an' whet their souls. I wanna burn away the mediocrity. I wanna show them true passion, show them a fight with heart an' soul. I wanna be consumed every time my music hits the speakers. I wanna leave it all out there — for them. They're the reason I lace up my boots an' tape up my fists. Shutting up worthless shitbags like you is just a bonus, man. You reap what you sow. This karma machine only takes quarters…"

Silence and static.


He settled in beside his daughter, sitting with his back against the wall and she immediately grabbed her favorite teddy bear and cuddled up beside him. "Okay. I think I got one. Did I ever tell you about the first time I saw your mama?"

Wide-eyed, Allegra looked up at her father and shook her head.

"Didn't think so. Well, see, this happened back when we were kids. For the longest time the house across the street from us was empty. Always had this FOR RENT sign in the window and it wasn't like it was a dive, y'know? It was nice. Maybe nicer than our — well, y'know, the place me an' your aunt Alyvia lived in was. So finally one day the sign goes down and I start to think maybe there's gonna be some excitement but then they put up a FOR SALE sign instead. Like whoever owned it just got sick of playin' the waiting game."

"Daddy," she whined, "get to the good part!"

He laughed, "getting there, Peanut. So the house was for sale maybe two or three weeks an' then one day, I came home from school and there was this big ol' moving van in the drive — half days then for me ‘cause I was still in kindergarten then. Remember it though, clear as a bell. I remember watchin' those guys offloading all this stuff. Nice things. Boxes an' couches an' all sorts of stuff an' then this car pulls up and a couple kids get out. I see this little girl with these curly little pigtails… she had those little bauble things on them, y'know? Pink an' yellow things, looked like gumballs. An' she gets on this little pink trike an' starts riding it up an' down the sidewalk, these little tassels on the handlebars flappin' as she goes hellbent like Evel Knievel an' I thought for sure she was just gonna take right off from all the chaos but she just kept doin' laps for over an hour. I watched." He shrugged.

"I was up in my room with my dad's binoculars. She never even knew I saw but I spent a couple hours there, until that truck was empty an' it drove away. She was still out there, still goin' back an' forth an' each time she got just a little further before turnin' back. I thought the next one she was gonna break free an' just go but instead she stopped so sudden it was a wonder she didn't fall right off. The trike tipped over. She didn't even notice because she was too busy wadin' into that knee-high grass. I heard her laugh an' then I see what she's seein'... it was dusk by then. Street lights were just startin' to come up an' here she is, laughin' like a loon, surrounded by a whole mess of fireflies. I remember that was the first time I ever saw ‘em, these little magic lights winking on an' off. I remember how it made me feel, like I couldn't get enough air, like I couldn't stop smiling an' I couldn't stop watchin'..."

Allegra stared up at him, rapt as he kept talking. His eyes were closed, his voice soft.

"It was almost like they came with her an' the way she laughed, the way she almost looked like she was dancin' with them? I was done for. Hopelessly in love with her. Took me another ten years to let her know, mind you, but that was it: the moment of truth."

"You said you were gonna tell me how you met Mommy!"

"Nah," he chuckled softly, "said I was gonna tell you about the first time I saw her. Took me two days to screw up the nerve to go over an' introduce myself after that."

"How come?"

"He was shy," Hannah replied from the doorway, her voice steady although her eyes were bright with tears that she was trying to blink away.

He looked over, wondering how much of the story she'd heard. He'd never told her any of that, even though he'd embellished it just a little to make it more interesting. The fireflies were real. He remembered the joy he'd felt at the sight of them, at the memory that always flooded back every time he saw them now. 

Walking into the bedroom, Hannah made her way to the bed. "And when he did come talk to me… I knew your daddy was going to be the best friend I ever had." She took a seat on the edge of Allegra's bed. "I was right." A smile had broken out across her face as she reached out to lay her hand on Lex's knee. "And he gave me the best gifts ever."

"Unicorns?" Allegra asked, her eyelids getting heavy. Lex shifted position, moving the sleepy little girl so she was settled against the pillow. For a few moments, he held the bear in his hands, looking down at it.

"No, silly monkey," Hannah leaned in, laughing as she reached out to tickle her daughter's stomach, "you. And your little brother or sister."

For a few moments, the little girl was silent and he tried to think of something to say, something that wasn't going to be another empty promise. Every day was borrowed time now, it felt like he'd stolen something he didn't deserve and the way Riddik had assaulted him, the same way Clay had all those years growing up, had reinforced that feeling a thousand times over. He couldn't think past the exhaustion, past the dull ache in the back of his neck. When he looked up, his daughter was holding her hands out to him, struggling to keep her eyes open. "Daddy, don't go…"

He pushed the bear into her arms and leaned in to kiss the top of her head, tucking them both in under the blankets. "I gotta…" he didn't try to explain to her that he'd signed a contract or that he needed the money. Instead he glanced over at Hannah, finding strength in the look she gave him. "There's a real bad man, Peanut. I gotta be there. Make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else the way he tried to hurt Andi an' me in Angola." He saw her frown and it broke his heart. "I'll be okay. I promise."

"Take Mr. Bear," she murmured, her grip on the stuffed animal relaxing a little even as she fought sleep, "he'll eat the bad man… keep you safe."

Lex took the bear back, waiting until she was asleep before slipping from the room with Hannah right behind him. She caught his hand in the hall, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You're a good man," she said as he turned to look at her, a hand coming up to caress his cheek. He closed his eyes, feeling unsteady as if everything was hanging in the balance and he'd just noticed it.

"I try." He sighed, feeling that ragged plush body in his hand as though his daughter had just handed him the universe balanced on the head of a pin and asked him not to drop it. "I can't let the shitheads win. Not now. Not after all this time an' effort an'..."

She put a finger to his lips, shushing him. The look in her eyes spoke volumes, as if she knew the dark paths his thoughts were taking. "I know, baby."

He dragged in a deep breath and then winced as a stabbing pain shot through his temple. The lie was there on the tip of his tongue, that old line he'd been saying since the days he'd crawled through her bedroom window half-broken. It was all relative. There was still pain and some days were worse than others. He wasn't willing to admit it to her, to himself. He wasn't willing to walk away.

Hannah's hands came up and cupped his face, tilting it so that their eyes were locked.  "You've got this, Lex, and we've got you." Her hands gently slid up so her thumbs could massage his temples, pulling a sigh from between his clenched teeth. "You are gonna go out there and dominate." Leaning in, she kissed his lips softly. "You are going to be wonderful. Beat him," she pulled back, hey eyes shining with pride as she pulled him towards their bedroom. "Show him what a real champion looks like."

He let her drag him along until they arrived in the bedroom where his suitcase was still open on the bed. He stopped short, seeing that old familiar cut laying across the clothes he'd packed for the trip. Hannah's gaze followed his and he saw the furrow in her brow, the unspoken question there. He didn't answer, feeling himself pulled in until his fingers were skimming over the raised letters on that patch that read I AM MY BROTHER'S KEEPER.

"Lex?" Her hand rested gently on his arm. "What's that?"

"Insurance."