People Live Here [SCW]

May 11, 2015 (Chicago)

He hated himself for that moment of weakness now that he could see Hannah standing a few feet away. What had he been thinking, following the advice of perennial 'nicest guy on the planet' Larry Gowan? He was no nice guy when it came right down to it and he had no business giving her false hope like this. Sighing, he reached for his bag, picking it up and slinging it over his shoulder. He had to brace his leg against the conveyor belt for a second as he straightened up, feeling like he was going to keel over for a second as his back started to spasm. Steeling himself, he turned around slowly, making eye contact.

Allegra had been ignoring the buzz of noise and people in the airport, focused on the more important task of attempting to retrieve Hannah's cell phone from her bag, but when she looked up and caught a glimpse of her father, she immediately straightened, pushing up and away from her mother's neck to get to him. "Mine dad," she announced firmly, concentrating on going limp enough to be put down.

Hannah's breath caught in her throat as she looked up, catching sight of her husband standing there frozen in front of the baggage carousel. His eyes were wide, that look of startled shock not just feigned for one of his infamous selfies this time.

"MINE! DAD!" Allegra insisted, shouting right in Hannah's ear.

"Okay, Peanut." She kissed the side of her daughter's face, using that pause to steel herself. "We're going to see Daddy." Crossing the floor, she was aware of every step that brought her closer to her estranged husband. She offered him a neutral smile as she came to a stop in front of him. She didn't even attempt to touch him, figuring he didn't want that. "Hey..." she murmured, finally looking at him.

"Hey," he replied, his eyes flicking from hers to their daughter's before there was any sort of animation and then he flashed a tired smile. "How's my Bean doin'?"

"Daaaaaddy," Allegra exclaimed, trying to reach for him.

"Do you wanna take her and I'll get your bag?" She asked this as she focused in on Allegra, another kiss being placed on the toddler's cheek. "I know she's missed you. We both have."

He nodded, letting the bag drop to the floor at their feet before reaching out to take the squirming toddler from Hannah's arms. "Missed you too," Lex said softly, and for a split second Hannah thought he was talking to her as she reached for his bag, only to realize he only had eyes for his daughter.

Brushing it off, she slipped the strap of his bag over her shoulder and grabbed the car keys from the pocket of her denim shorts. "Traffic wasn't too bad on the way here," she said, all business as she struck out towards the doors that led to the parking lot. "Shouldn't take too long to get to the house," she was trying too damn hard to remain completely neutral.

Lex followed a step or two behind, wincing as Allegra grabbed a handful of his beard and started tugging on it. "Hey now," he murmured, shifting her position so that her grabby hands were out of reach, "careful with the face, alright?"

They made it to the car and Hannah unlocked it, opening up the back driver's side door to gently put Lex's bag on the seat. "If you want, you can take the bedroom."

"Nah," he shook his head, "I don't wanna put you out or nothin'. I'll figure somethin' out when we get there. I just gotta—" he broke off as he tried to settle Allegra into her car seat, only to discover that she didn't want to let go of him. As soon as he pried her hands from his shirt, she started to tear up, already about to unleash the sobbing that was always his undoing. "Shit. I guess I'd better ride back here with her."

Hannah brought her thumbnail up to her mouth and gently chewed on it as she sat in the driver's seat and buckled up. "Yeah," she said, feeling some tears prick at her eyes. Instead of letting them fall, she blinked them away quickly. "And you wouldn't be putting me out... still your house too and you look like you need the sleep."

Lex finally got his daughter into her seat and then settled in beside her, buckling his own belt. "Haven't slept worth a shit in... I dunno... it's been a while anyhow. I just can't shut down." His left hand was in the toddler's clutches and she was happily playing with his fingers. "Larry said I should go home an' see if that makes a difference. So'm here."

"Yeah?" The words were stuck in her throat. She wanted to rant and rail at him for not coming home but she didn't understand what was going on between them.

"Yeah." He leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes. "If you're gonna ask me why I haven't come home, just do it already."

"If you wanna tell me, you will and if you don't then you won't..." she got onto the highway and continued to drive, glancing at him in the rear-view mirror. "I'm not gonna push you into talking about something you don't wanna. Hell, we don't even have to talk and you can just sleep."

"Han..." he sighed, keeping his eyes closed even though the motion of the car was making him feel slightly nauseous, "don't be like that... I just... I needed some space, alright? An'... I'm sorry I said I didn't want ya there at Fearless. I didn't mean to make it a big thing, y'know? I... everything's so fuckin' messy now."

Another wave of wanting to cry rushed over her as well as wanting to beg him not to ever leave her again, but she didn't do either. "Lex," her voice broke. "Things have been..." she sighed, biting down on her lower lip. "I don't blame you for leaving and doing what else you have to. Just... shit..." She chuckled a little and there was no hint of humor to it. At best, it was sad and cynical.

"Things've been..? What?" He asked because it was expected in normal conversation but he dreaded hearing what she'd been hedging towards with that little trail off. "You think you know the reason I've been on the road as much as I can the past few weeks, but you don't. See, I stashed the boxes in the garage an' you never even knew I was there."

"I have my feelings about what's been going on, but I'm usually wrong—" she broke off, glancing at him in the mirror, "wait... what boxes?"

"God, I'm so fuckin' tired I can't even..." he trailed off, sighing.

"Lex, if this is you... wanting..." she stumbled over the words, not daring to look at him in the rear-view for fear of what she might see, "to tell me what's going on... I won't say anything, I'll just listen."

"I..." he looked down at Allegra, happy to see that she was drifting off to sleep while still clutching his hand.

"It doesn't have to be now," she shrugged, trying like hell to sound casual. Instead, her tone was shaky.

He stayed silent for a few miles, long enough for her to get off the highway, taking the quicker route home through the country.

"Lex?"

"Yeah, it does." His voice came out low as he leaned forward, unbuckling his belt so that he could wrap his long arms around the passenger seat before leaning his head against the back of the headrest. "It's just... I don't even know where to start."

She pulled over and threw the gearshift into park before letting her hands fall into her lap. "Figure this is a conversation I shouldn't be driving during."

"I'm gonna need to go away for a while," after what seemed like an eternity stalling, those words were almost a relief to say.

Hannah didn't say anything right away, instead she stared straight ahead. Finally, she turned and looked at him. "How long..?" Before he could even answer that, another fell from her lips, "wh-where?" Her eyes then went to their sleeping daughter, a hand reaching around to grab the baby's free hand.

"I don't know," he sighed, lifting his head to look at her. He looked so tired and so sad. "I don't know how much time I'm gonna need. There's a lot I gotta process an' I need space to do it in."

She finally let what she was feeling show through on her face. "Okay," she said with a sigh. "Okay." She didn't know what to say, it was all hitting her like a ton of bricks.

"You understand what I'm sayin', Han? I'm not comin' home to stay—"

Swallowing hard, her eyes went back to him. "What did I do?" She asked this quietly, her bottom lip quivering even though she tried to hide it.

He didn't answer her because his initial reaction was to lay into her. Instead he pulled his hand gently from Allegra's grasp and reached into his pocket for his cell phone. Pulling it out, he brought up his video player and opened the most recently viewed file before handing it across to her. "Just watch it."

She did as she was told with one hand and kept the other on Allegra's. Looking at the screen, she pushed the play button and gasped as she saw Vic on the screen. Except for the voice of the man in the video, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. She was holding her breath and hardly even realized it. Clenching her eyes shut, tears streamed down her cheeks as she took in what Vic was saying. It felt as though there was a heavy weight on her chest, breathing almost seemed impossible. Finally, when the video stopped, she continued to hold the phone, afraid to open her eyes.

"Now you know. How's it feel?" His tone was bitter as he leaned forward, pulling the phone from her hands.

"I..." she shifted in her seat, putting the car back in gear before pulling back onto the road in a spray of dust and gravel. The desire to flee was the only thing she was feeding into now— hello irony.

He pitched back against the seat, feeling that ache in his guts intensify. "Han—"

"—I didn't know," she snapped, "how could you even think that I'd keep something like that from you?!"

"I didn't," his voice came out low, hollow. The phone was back in his pocket now, his eyes closed as he leaned back in the seat. "I've known for two weeks."

"You've..." she couldn't even repeat it. So this was why he'd disappeared on her. "Are you..." she couldn't keep herself from berating him, "kidding me right now? Why in the hell didn't you just tell me?"

The silence spoke volumes. The phone felt hot in his pocket, burning against his thigh— maybe it was psychological.

"I don't blame you for needing to leave..." just like that, she shifted into martyr mode, "Jesus Christ... I wouldn't have blamed you for just disappearing altogether." Sniffling, she used the sleeve of her hoodie to wipe at her nose. Without looking back at him, she tried to blink the tears away. "When we get home I'll put up the blanket fort for you and you can sleep there. I won't bother you and it'll be okay, right? You'll be able to—"

He talked right over her, knowing that she'd shut up if he pitched his voice low enough. She always did. "No, okay? I just wanna wash my clothes an' see my kid. I don't need the fort or the fuckin' bed or the couch or anything else. I just need quiet, Han. That's all. Take me home an' you don't need to make any other effort..." he trailed off, shaking his head against the seat. "I'm sorry, Han. I really am."

"It's not your fault," she said softly.

He flinched visibly, feeling the anger starting to stir in his guts. "Don't say—"

"My head's been so far up my ass— how did I manage to miss all of this?" Thankfully the night was clear or she might have been responsible for killing all three of them in some catastrophic car wreck as her vision swam with tears.

"See, this is why I didn't wanna—"

"I've been a piss-poor wife, not supportive how or when you needed it most. That's stopping now. I'm gonna do—"

"Shut up, Han."

The words came out in a near-whisper but he might as well have yelled them right in her face. She took a shuddering breath and then another, hands clutching the wheel tight like a lifeline but she couldn't stop trying to apologize. "Lex, I'm so—"

"Stop the car." She ignored him, or didn't hear him, forcing him to have to raise his voice. "Hannah, stop the fuckin' car."

Thankfully nobody was following them because she stomped on the brakes, laying a strip of burnt rubber before the car came to a stop. Shakily, she threw it into park and turned to look at him only to find that he was already opening the door, staggering out onto the shoulder. "LEX!" She screamed his name, panicked at the irrational thought that he was going to try and run the rest of the way home in his condition. "Come back, please! I'll be—" the words broke off as she watched him stumble and go down on his knees before he started vomiting into the ditch. The fear she felt kept her in her seat, buckled in even though she'd turned around to make sure Allegra was still asleep.

His throat was already raw, the taste of blood in the back of it when he finally straightened up. Time had slowed to a languid crawl and he had no idea how long he'd been hunched over, purging himself. He heard the chiming of the driver's side door, trying to puzzle out the meaning of that before Hannah was there, pressing a cool washcloth to the back of his neck as she knelt beside him.

"I keep one in the diaper bag in case I have to clean her face," she said softly. "I know it's not that cold, but..." she trailed off, catching herself rambling. "Are you okay? I mean..."

"Got this issue with my stomach," he muttered, closing his eyes. "Drinkin' prob'ly didn't help an' I... didn't wanna... in the car..." he snorted, spitting a wad of sour phlegm as the shudders crawled up his back. "Maybe you better just take her on home an' I'll walk back."

"No," she said firmly, but there was a gentle hint to it. "You are not gonna walk when you're throwing up like this. We'll stay here until you feel up to getting back in the car."

What he wanted most in that moment was to curl up in bed and just go back to pretending everything was still the same. A soft groan passed his lips before he shuddered. This time his stomach heaved but nothing came up. Breathing in and out slowly, he kept his eyes squeezed shut, trying to tell himself that he didn't really hate her but it was so damn hard when everything hurt from the inside out. "I wanna go home," he whispered, his voice breaking, "but I can't..."

She didn't understand him. "That's where we're gonna go, Lex. I'm taking you home."

He couldn't bring himself to tell her that she was wrong.

and the madness overtakes us

we will look at the ashes

and say, "people lived here."

June 12, 2015 (NYC)

He'd left his car parked in the lot at the therapist's office, opting to walk the few blocks to Freddie's brownstone, despite the ominously overcast skies above. Even if it started to rain, the borrowed books he planned to return were safely wrapped in a plastic bag, tucked neatly against his chest as he climbed the stairs. Even if there hadn't been a sticker still affixed to the much-too-clean glass, he'd have noticed it. There were still a few shards in the tiny little garden that he noted, nodding to himself. It didn't really take much to figure out what had happened given the conversation he'd been drawn into on Twitter just a couple days earlier.

Raising his fist, he rapped softly on the door, eyes lifting to the dead black eye of a security camera nestled above.

It was Freddie who answered, yanking the door open a little too sharply, but letting his lips twitch upward for a second when he saw who it was. "I still don't have any beer," he said. "Come in."

"Next time I'll bring my own," Lex replied, forcing a laugh as he crossed the threshold. "So, new window, huh?"

He glanced at the casement grille and frowned, brows drawing lightly together, closing as well as locking the door behind them. "New window, new security system. Stable doors and horses, really." He led the way through into the kitchen, nodding in acknowledgement to the housekeeper, who was busily bringing a mirror-like shine to the dining room table. "We should give her room, I've been fairly demanding this week," he explained, snagging two water bottles from the fridge, fingers hovering over the third in the row before he tossed it into the trash without explanation. "It's warm in the courtyard."

Lex watched him toss the bottle, changing the subject as he held out the plastic-wrapped parcel. "I brought a couple of your books back... I figured you didn't want me to end up misplacing them like I did a couple other things in the last couple weeks."

"The ones I lent you? Don't bring back the ones I bought you," he said, leading them out into the courtyard and sitting in a delicate-looking metal chair by a round table, sighing softly. "Sorry, I'm at a million miles an hour today."

"The ones you lent me. I didn't get to the others yet... didn't realize you bought them. Guess I've been a little distracted too." He tossed the bundle down on the table and then took a seat opposite Freddie after staring at the chair for a few seconds. "I saw your guy today... seems alright, I guess."

"Oh? Oh, Sebastian, right. He's the only one I've ever talked to, as much as I talk. Hm. Maybe you ought to take up counselling, since I've told you more than anybody but Angelica." He shrugged. "Although I get the impression with him that he genuinely understands, so..." He sat up higher, unbuttoning his jacket before sitting back. "Any progress with her?"

"Last time I really talked to her was when I saw her 'fore our road trip. But yeah... last night she was tryin' to get me to take Allegra for the weekend... think she wanted to pawn her off on me so she could go visit her brother in Florida." He sighed, shaking his head, "she sends me these bullshit texts... all this 'I miss you' and 'I'm so sorry for everything' garbage an' all I wanna do when I get those is scream until my lungs give out."

"Have you ever thought that you screaming yourself hoarse is what she might want?" Freddie uncapped the bottle and took a thoughtful sip, holding up one finger for a moment. "I don't know if this happened everywhere, but when I was at school, especially when there was somebody new, or somebody who made himself a target, the other boys would write, 'kick me' on a piece of paper and stick it to their back. If it happened to you, you could spend an hour or so trying to figure it out, more if they were careful enough not to do it constantly. That's Hannah. Only she's stuck it to her own back and is loving the situation— not the blows, it's not that simple— because she gets the sympathy for her hurts. She's like some sort of vampire for negative emotion. You hurt her; she's just enjoying a solid meal, and getting ready for a second course."

Lex nodded, running his hand over the delicate filigree flowers on the edge of the table. "Yeah, an' she's all ready an' willin' to take whatever I throw at her. She wants me to rip into her. I saw that back 'round New Years when I tore a strip off her... almost like doin' that was some sorta validation. But I can't break out of it, y'know? I want to hurt her."

"You could hurt her more by not giving her what she wants, you know. You should probably do something about the child, too. If nobody else is there to hurt her... well. Much as I hate to poke at other people's bruises, you do remember Karma, don't you? She got an awful lot of attention after V's baby died." Freddie pulled a face.

The anger on his face was like the flip of a switch, his eyes shifting from medium brown to pitch black as they narrowed. "That's... Jesusfuck, Freddie. If she did that..." he fell silent, reaching for his bottle of water only to give his hands something to do other than curve into ineffectual fists. "I'd fuckin' kill her if she even thought 'bout it— you got a good lawyer? Prob'ly need 'im if it came down to that."

"I have an excellent lawyer. Several, in fact, but I think you'd be better served with a specialist in something I'd never need. I can help you find one, at least. I can ask for a recommendation, go from there. I'm not saying that she would, mind you. I just... I'm sorry, Collins, but I don't have it in me to trust somebody who prioritizes getting a return on their 'kick me hard' over their marriage."

"Marriage?" He snorted in derision as he repeated the word, "I dunno that's what it ever really was— outside the paperwork, y'know? I think she was just... the safest place to go when it all went to shit. I built myself a nest, gathered all these bits an' pieces around me. Made good on that promise I gave her when she was fifteen. Told her I was gonna marry her someday. It all circled back so I went through with it." He shrugged, picking at the label on his bottle. "You hate her, don'tcha?"

Freddie shook his head. "No, I'd have to be more invested in her for anything like that. I find her... " He sighed, and shook his head again. "It feels more complicated than hate, but I don't exactly have all the pages on the instruction manual for feelings."

"Yeah." He finally opened the bottle, taking a swig of the water before grimacing. "Really wish this was somethin' harder right now. Kinda feel... I dunno. That's why I came over. I'm just... maybe I'm readin' too much into everything, but," he licked his lips, setting the bottle down but keeping the cap to press it into the palm of his hand. "You're different. It's the window thing an' there's a camera above your door now. You wanna tell me what's goin' on?"

"I've had a bad week." Freddie took his time setting the bottle on the table, turning it around so that the label faced him, perfectly even. "Madeline was here. I don't know when she arrived, some time after Shondra left on Wednesday. She doesn't work Thursdays while we're doing shows. She slept in our bed. Madeline, not Shondra. Had Angelica's clothes everywhere. I feel..." He let out a breath full of irritation. "We broke in. We had to break into our own home, and Angelica was... she was incredible, it was... that part was good. As good as it could be. But I... this is our home. And I don't know what she did in here. I have no control, and no way of knowing, and I—" He shook his head, running fingers back through his hair. "And I'm meant to make a decision on this War Games nonsense while all this is going on?"

"Least you're good enough for consideration," there was a hint of bitterness there, "clean the place best you can. Get rid of the things you know were touched— burn them if you can. An' if it still feels wrong? Move. That's what I did." Lex sighed, shaking his head, "the control's still here, still yours, Freddie. You just don't see it 'cause of the violation."

"No, they're just sure I'm willing to lower myself to their standards, while likely no doubt that you won't. I will, for reference." He sighed. "I don't know what was touched. It could be everything. And I—" He cut off, rubbing his hand over his face and jaw. "I don't know that that's the right word. Maybe. I... don't have a good gauge."

"Well, maybe... I got one thing'at might cheer you up?" He reached into his pocket, pulling out a folded slip of paper before holding it out to Freddie. "I went an' saw your suit guy."

"You did?" He took the paper and read it over. "Charcoal serge." A smile broke through for just a moment. "You really shouldn't have, I was joking about replacing it. But I'm not going to complain for a second. I almost broke out the one I have in check. Bad tailoring decision, that."

"I wasn't jokin'," Lex replied, feeling something he tried like hell to dismiss, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "I said I was gonna... the money doesn't matter. I can make more of it. I just wanted to make it square, okay?" He lifted his head, meeting Freddie's eyes for a second, still feeling that sinking in the pit of his stomach and he couldn't gauge if that rejection was real or imagined. "I... uh..." he trailed off, reaching for the water again.

"I wasn't going to tell you not to on account of the money. That would be a little patronising, and I try to save that for people who aren't on the 'my people' list." He pressed down on one knee as it started to jiggle. "What?"

Lex chuckled ruefully, lowering the bottle from his lips. "It's nothin', man. It's been a bad week for me, too. That's all it is... I'm just readin' some other story between all the lines everywhere an' it's gettin' hard to tell which one's really there an' which one's only," he lifted his hand, tapping his temple, "up here. You prob'ly didn't mean nothin' by it anyways so forget I was gonna say anythin'."

"I did something? You're better to ask me, but if it doesn't immediately spring to mind, I'm probably fairly safe in guaranteeing that if I did, I didn't mean it. I so seldom do."

Nodding, he broke eye contact again, watching the condensation form a ring around the bottle where it rested on the table. "I dunno why navy doesn't match with black. I don't really care, y'know? Just..." he shook his head, "don't call me dumb in front of people, okay?"

"Ahhh. I wasn't digging at you. I was digging at Whiskey. And it's... it's not to do with suiting, but it's more blazer-specific. English, rather than American. Which is funny, I suppose, given that I prefer American cuts to those." He double-checked the receipt. "Peak lapels? See? You're not an idiot."

"Yeah, got a great memory. That's all. Remember what it looked like... tried to get all the details in an' I'm sure the guy will tell you a great story 'bout how this borderline autistic guy came in an' was drawin' pictures on a piece of paper to get the shapes right— I don't fuckin' know what the right name is." Lex sighed, "see? It's nothin'. I'm just... fuckin' touchy, I guess."

"If experience is anything to go by, he then tried to sell you a suit and told you that everything you were wearing fit badly." Freddie took the bottle back and half-unscrewed the cap. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm just as irritable. And jumpy."

"I bought a tie," Lex's smile was almost sheepish, "told him I don't have a closet right now in which to store a nice suit... so, y'know, figured that'd keep him off my back— worked like a charm." The smile faded as quickly as it had appeared, "least I got a fight this week. Just gotta make it through to Wednesday an' then I'll be okay."

"You almost have me feeling sorry for Sanders in advance," answered Freddie wryly. "But that's always a good idea. When in doubt, hit something repeatedly."

"It's the only place I still know who I am. Out there... it's crystal clarity, y'know?"

"Oh, I know. Even though if you believe my lack of hype, I've only been here two seconds and haven't achieved a thing." He snorted. "Sorry if I hurt you with my..." He made a waffling gesture with one hand. "I am. Sorry, I mean. That doesn't happen often."

He nodded, "s'okay, really." Hesitating for a second, he shifted his weight in the chair, deliberately telegraphing before he said, "an' I should go. Leave you to whatever it was I interrupted— really just stopped by for the books an' that receipt."

"Oh, I was just reading. Maybe you should stay for dinner. A guest we've actually invited? That could work."

"Yeah?" Lex's smile was back, just a faded ghost there and gone in an instant but it was enough to make him feel better. "Alright. Beats orderin' room service or another pizza an' eatin' in front of the TV."

"I'll let Shondra know there are three of us for dinner." Freddie stood up, leaving the bottle on the table. "I really ought to give that woman some sort of thanks."

"Or a raise," Lex said softly, "that'd prob'ly work too."