011: Bottoming Out

The interior of the car felt humid, despite the air conditioning that had been running full blast even before the sun was up over the horizon. It was overcast now, but it still felt too bright and Rick Raven's eyes ached behind the dark and stylish sunglasses he had on. He'd briefly contemplated flying but with all the flights having a stopover and only shaving an hour or two at most off the trip, he opted to hit the road from Las Vegas to Reno. He'd pulled into the circular drive shortly after noon, surprised to have made decent time, despite having to pull over a few times to puke his guts out. After a week-long bender of booze and cocaine, fuelled by depression and guilt, he needed to go cold turkey, away from everything. He'd told himself that he was just going to do a little when he got back from Fiji, just a quick little pick-me-up to shake off the melancholy on the heels of the breakup with LJ Starke.

He'd known it was a lie, but he'd told himself that regardless.

He hated himself for sinking this low, to allowing himself to be dragged back down to the depths he'd been in when he'd met Lyv Jackson on the steps of that dive bar downtown. The church at the end of the block had been his intended destination, the fifteen-year chip burning a hole in his clenched fist, inside his pocket – a confessional circle with stale donuts and coffee had been narrowly avoided by that chance encounter. He'd almost run her down, his focus elsewhere and then he'd had to offer to buy her a drink because he could see the pain in her eyes, one that mirrored the one he went to great depths to hide that always seemed to be there, gnawing away at his insides. That had been in the fall of 2015, in Reno. It had been a strange partnership, one that had blossomed that night as they shared their stories well past normal closing time.

The memory made him sigh and he reached out to cut the engine, catching sight of movement out of the corner of his eye. He let his hand fall back to his lap as the passenger door opened and the car settled with the addition of extra weight. "Forgot my parasol," he quipped, "was waiting for the sun to fuck off for a little while… wouldn't want to burst into flames and make a mess of those lovely cobblestones." The excuse didn't hold much weight but he knew she wouldn't call him on it.

"Mhmm." Lyv nodded, looking over one of her best friends. "We'll chance it, the cobblestones can be cleaned." It had been a long time since she'd seen him like this and it broke her heart. She loved Rick like a brother, in fact she considered him family. "Besides, the sooner we get in there, the sooner we can get you clean." She'd gone through the detox process with her husband, Jackson, and wanted to help Rick. "I've got a room ready for you and I cleared my schedule. The kids are staying with Jax's daughter for a few days."

"Appreciate that," he was grateful the kids didn't have to see him this broken. She was the only one who knew the worst of the skeletons in his closet – he didn't kid himself that she'd spared her husband the sordid details. "I'm sorry I lied." His voice came out small on the heels of a sigh. He'd been denying the issue all week, telling her that he was fine. That he was just drinking a little more than usual.

Now that she could see him, see how pale and drawn he looked, she could tell just how far his fall down the rabbit hole had gone and it broke her heart. "I forgive you," she said softly, watching as he averted his eyes and took a deep breath. "You're always welcome here. You know that."

He couldn't think of anywhere else he could go and he hated himself so much. "You didn't have to," his voice came out hollow, "I appreciate it, Lyv. Really." He turned his head to look at her, reaching out to turn the car off. The wind coming from the vents stopped, the sudden silence almost ominous.

"Rick, I always will and you know that." She placed her hand over his and gave it a squeeze. "Jax and I are going to get you through this and you're going to be back on track." Exhaling, there was something else she needed to mention so she knew how to handle the situation. "Kayla called this morning, asked if we'd heard from you. I told her no. You sounded so secretive and I figured you'd have told her, if you wanted her to know."

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her that I'm here." A shadow seemed to pass over his features and he covered up that shift in mood by fussing with his phone that was connected to the charger. He kept tapping the screen, making it light up – there were notifications but he had no desire to look at them. Just the thought of it made him want to crawl in a hole and hide. "We…" he closed his eyes, putting the phone back into the cupholder. "She came in last night. Found me passed out. Lines of coke on the table and everything – I'm sure she thinks far less of me than she did before. Maybe that's good, though. I don't belong on any pedestal."

"Is that what you think, Rick? That she's idolizing you?" Lyv asked, seeming surprised.

"We had a fight." He continued on, as if this confession was necessary. To him, it was. Admitting the things he'd done was crucial. "She told me," he lifted his eyes to meet Alyvia's, "about Arkansas. Everything. In such detail…" he blinked, tears in his eyes as he recalled the look on Kayla's face as she recounted the horror. "I think she wanted to shock me with it. Wanted me to run away screaming from the truth, validate that feeling of unworthiness."

He was back to looking anywhere but at her. "We made love," he'd never called it that before in his entire life but it he couldn't bring himself to cheapen what having her in his bed truly meant. "And then I fled in the middle of the night like a damned coward. I wasn't quite sober – thinking about it now, I realize I could have gone about it in a better way."

"She sounded really worried, so you may just want to let her know you're alive?" She knew some of what was going on between Rick and her cousin and the last thing she wanted was to get in the middle. Reaching into the back seat, she grabbed the bag he'd packed and pulled it forward. "Just a thought."

"I left her a note," he muttered, shaking his head when he realized he couldn't even remember what he'd written on that piece of paper he'd left on the table. "I'll message her," he nodded, realizing he needed that contact, "won't call her though. Not when it feels like my insides are boiling." Sighing, he closed his eyes. "What did she tell you? Am I allowed to ask what she's said… how bad it really is?"

"It's not broken, if that makes sense." Lyv put her head back against the headrest. "She's confused and worried about you. She gave me a run down of the past few weeks and how you've been spiraling – confirmed what I already suspected. I almost booked a flight a few days ago. Jax talked me out of it. Told me if you wanted help, you'd ask." Her eyes stayed on Rick as she sighed. "Whatever is going on with you guys, you both need to figure it out. She didn't say anything bad about you, but she's struggling."

"What's there to figure out?" He took a deep breath, forcing a smile. "She said she loves me. Did she tell you that, too? She loves me… and I'm a fucking hot mess." Chuckling bitterly, he turned and opened the driver's door, snatching the bag from her hand after she pulled it over the seats.

As much as she didn't want to get involved, here were two people she loved dearly that she didn't want to see hurt. "How do you feel about her?"

He stared at her for a good ten seconds in silence before lifting his free hand to rake it through his disheveled hair. "What do you think?"

"You tell me." She wanted to hear him say it, if anything so if she talked to Kayla, she could reassure her things would be okay.

He slammed the car door, only because he needed the release and then waited while she got out and walked around the front of it, patient enough to wait for the answer she knew he didn't want to give. "I've been smitten with her since day one – you knew that was going to happen, didn't you? Set me up for failure and I fell for it." His smile was bitter as he looked over at her, "why do you think I'm here, Lyv? She loves me… I'm falling apart. The shit with Lovely – Lauren-Jane," he corrected himself, trying to force that pet name from his vocabulary. "I fell hard for her. Fast. It's nothing like the slow burn I felt with LJ. That admiration. Maybe it was just an obsession, an infatuation. With Kayla, though? It's too hot – she drives me insane."

"Have you told her?"

"I can't." Rick shook his head, "I need to put myself back together first. Be man enough to even deserve someone like her."

"Love, if I had thought you two wouldn't be good together, I never would have told her you were looking for an assistant." She folded her arms against her chest. "Kayla came here after my uncle died and we spent a lot of time together, reconnecting. The more time I spent with her, the more I thought about you and how she needed you in her life. Not someone like you, Rick. You."

"That's-" he started but she cut him off with a sharp look.

"Don't even start. Whether or not you know it, you are a good man. Yes, you've done some stupid things, but at the end of the day, you're still a good man and one of three people I trust with my life." She shrugged. "I'm sorry I was playing matchmaker, but I just had a feeling. I couldn't shake it and it just felt right. Does any of this make sense?"

"One of three?" He seemed incredulous as he echoed that back. Of course, he didn't bother to comment on anything else. The rest of it made perfect sense. "Next to your husband and brother, I'd assume?"

"You would be correct." She slid her arm through his and together they started walking towards the house. "Tell me something, though… why did you think it was a good idea to ask Kayla to have a threesome?" She raised an eyebrow and looked at her friend, an amused smirk on her face. "I'm just curious."

"I thought she'd be into it?" The lie slipped out smoothly enough but he knew she wasn't going to buy it for a second. "I didn't want to let on to LJ how I felt about her. I figured if I suggested that, it'd make it seem more… casual? Does that make sense?"

"It makes perfect sense." They had made it to the front door and Lyv let them both inside. "We're going to get you well and then you're going to go back to Vegas and get everything back on track." She stopped and turned to Rick. "I'm proud of you for coming here and making the decision on your own."

"Rather than you showing up, slapping some sense into me, and dragging me back here by my scrotal hairs?" He sighed, "she looked me in the eyes and called me an asshole. The thing is, she meant it – I guess it bothered me far more than I like to admit, hearing it from her. Some fool I've managed to hustle in a business bid, or in a poker game? Sure. That's par for the course." He let his bag drop to the floor in the foyer, letting his shoulders slump now that he was inside. Never could be sure if there was paparazzi lurking and he needed to keep up his appearances, after all. Taking off his sunglasses, he looked at the woman he considered his sister, despite the lack of a blood tie, "I was obsessed with Lauren... I found her flawless and immaculate. What I felt for her… doesn't hold a spark, let alone damned candle to this."

Lyv smiled at him as she brought a hand up and rested it on his shoulder. "That's because it's real. Take it from the girl who married a man after a month… when you know, you know." Her smile widened as she thought of her husband. "Eight years later and the only regret I have, and it's a big one, is that I left him… but I came back and he's my forever."

"A little time apart… that's how you make it work." Rick forced a smile. "Maybe you're onto something there, hmm? Give her a little time to miss me. Maybe she'll forget I'm such a dumpster fire?"

"Rick, she already does miss you or she wouldn't have called me." She mock-admonished, flashing a gentle smile. "We're going to focus on getting you clean so you can go home."

Home. Where the heart is. Where Kayla is.

The thought had the tears welling in his eyes and he started to pull away lest she see the emotion welling in them. She pulled him in for a hug instead, forcing the floodgates to open as the tears spilled down. "I love her," Rick murmured, his voice breaking, "God help me… I do."

"When you get back to Vegas, she'll still be there." Lyv had never sounded surer of anything in her life.

"Hope so," his words were muffled against her shoulder, blurred by emotion, "don't know what I'd do without her."