Short, Dead Dude [PrimeTime III]
May 18, 2020 20:35:36 GMT -5
Post by Admin on May 18, 2020 20:35:36 GMT -5
Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
The scene fades into the backstage area of the Scotiabank Arena, and the face of Alberta Wrestling's intrepid interviewer Kevin Kelly. He pastes on a smile, and looks back at his cameraman, making sure he's rolling before lifting his fist to knock on the door before him. On the strip of masking tape affixed to the portal, slightly askew, are printed the words: NO ZOMBIES ALLOWED. Shaking his head, Kevin pushes open the door when nothing but silence answers his knocking.
Kevin Kelly
Hello? Excuse me? Hello? This is Kevin Kelly-
A huge horned shadow falls across the interviewer as the door swings open, making him freeze in his tracks. Footfalls echo in the locker room, accompanied by a horrible gurgling sound that conjures images best left unsaid in the head of the interviewer. A voice speaks from the gloom, sounding slightly raspy.
Max Ironside
I know who you are.
The great horned beast-man in the shadows shifts, and that gurgling sound comes again before he speaks once more.
Max Ironside
Pretty sure I didn't ask for an interview, so what gives?
Kevin Kelly
Oh, I know. I just thought it might be good to get your thoughts. With Gold Rush coming up quickly and your championship finals match with Priscilla Kelly-
Max Ironside
You thought you should pick my brain. Like… like a zombie?
Even though his voice trembles, Max Ironside steps out of the gloom and the enormous horned shadow resolves into the title contender wearing a brown plastic Viking hat on his head, sipping at a fruit smoothie.
Kevin Kelly
Worst. Interview. Ever.
The interviewer mutters under his breath, rolling his eyes and feeling quite silly for being intimidated at the tricks his mind has played on him. Snickering can be heard from off screen, and Max turns to glare sharply at the cameraman.
Max Ironside
What?
When the man says nothing, he flips the switch beside the door and beckons for Kevin Kelly to follow him inside. He flops down on the comfy couch in the middle of the room. For a moment he simply looks into the camera, that secretive smile fixed in place on his lips, looking utterly ridiculous in that lopsided Hagar the Horrible hat. The camera wobbles as the cameraman tries to contain his laughter, failing utterly at the attempt. Max just continues to sit there, looking less than amused. There's a ghost of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth, but for those who don't know him well, it's easy to miss.
Max Ironside
If I can be serious for a moment…
He winks at the camera on the heels of the blatant homage to ringside commentator Lance Storm.
Kevin Kelly
If that's your plan, I'd suggest ditching the hat. It's a wonder we didn't get a cease-and-desist notice from the estate of Willy Wonka after your little musical number last week.
Max shrugs and sighs theatrically before standing up slowly, cracking his back as he stretches. Draining the last of the smoothie through the straw, he tosses the empty cup at the trash can – THREE POINTER! With a cheeky grin, he sweeps the hat off his head.
Max Ironside
Think fast!
He whips the cheap plastic at Kevin Kelly who ducks rather than catch it. It smacks loudly against the wall and splits in half but Max is oblivious as he's bent over, rummaging in the gym bag at his feet. Straightening up, he shrugs into a blue and white jacket, complete with gold epaulets and gold buttons. He does them up slowly; making sure each and every one is fastened before picking up a black hat, settling it on his head. He leans back against the arm of the couch, sliding his hand into the front of the jacket, between buttons. He adopts another uber serious look, almost daring the cameraman to mock him again. Kevin Kelly looks up from the wreckage of what he can clearly tell is part of a children's Halloween costume to find Max now lounging, looking exactly like that short, dead, French dude from history class.
Kevin Kelly
What….
He sputters, barely able to contain his laughter as his professional demeanor shatters into a million pieces. The cameraman, catching the mirth, is barely able to keep Max focused in frame. The Handicapped Hero sighs and waits for the two supposed professionals to get a grip on themselves. After a few agonizing minutes, both stop laughing and the camera refocuses on Max, who is still lounging regally, attempting to look serious.
Max Ironside
Since I've got you here, I suppose I should tell you about this week's inspiration – none other than the legendary Napoleon Bonaparte. A man who knew how to pick his battles. A man who coined such awe-inspiring phrases as "ability is nothing without opportunity" and "never interrupt your enemy when he… or SHE… is making a mistake".
Kevin Kelly
Is that what you think? That Priscilla Kelly is making a mistake?
He taps the side of his nose, nodding.
Max Ironside
Is she taking me lightly? Absolutely. Is she making a mockery of this business, and accountability with this little contract loophole of hers? Most certainly. And I know you're going to tell me I'm being silly, that I'm taking wrestling far too seriously. You don't get it, Kevin. I've worked my ass off for years to finally break through into this – the top tier of professional wrestling. And maybe Hell's Favourite Harlot thinks it's a joke, but I can't afford to take an opportunity – ANY opportunity – lightly. Understand?
Kevin Kelly
Right, right. Of course.
Max Ironside
Tonight, against the Best Friends, I plan on going out there and kicking some butts. Setting the tone for Gold Rush in the best way possible. I can only assume that Priscilla is going to weasel her way out of this pairing, cheating me of the opportunity to scout her up close and personal. More stupid mind games, manipulations. I don't care. I'm going to prove that I belong at the top, conquering the mountain. The most important battle awaits at Gold Rush, of course – my own personal Waterloo.
Kevin Kelly
You might want to reconsider that metaphor, actually.
Max Ironside
I know. I shouldn't be pretending to be something I'm not, emulating all these greats and plagiarizing pop culture. I don't need to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not a hero. Not really. I am just a damn good wrestler. I don't need to hide behind silly names or ludicrous claims.
He pulls the hat from his head, dropping it on the floor and moving to his feet to stomp on it.
Max Ironside
They think it's funny. You think it's funny, don't you?
Kevin Kelly
Find what funny? Your metaphor? Or...
Max Ironside
This. Me. I don't know.
He waves his hand, dismissing the thought.
Max Ironside
Clearly, I'm entertaining some pretty huge delusions, right?
Kevin Kelly
It's a little lofty, maybe. And saying that your match at Gold Rush is going to be your Waterloo… maybe isn't the best choice.
Max Ironside
Wait… what? Why?
Kevin Kelly
The French army had their asses handed to them by the Russians. Napoleon lost the most important battle… at Waterloo.
Max suddenly looks as though he wishes the floor would open up and swallow him whole.
Max Ironside
History and geography always were my worst subjects. Listen, Kevin, you've gotta give me this tape. I can't let them see me gobbling up my own foot like this!
Kevin Kelly sighs and shakes his head.
Kevin Kelly
We're live, Max. There's no tape delay.
Max Ironside
Merde.
