004: These Dreams
Jun 5, 2020 21:27:38 GMT -5
Post by Admin on Jun 5, 2020 21:27:38 GMT -5
• LEAH •
June 1, 2020 || Holly Springs
It was getting late and Leah Knix knew that she needed to call it a night, but she wasn't ready. She was sprawled on her couch with her back against an armrest and a quilt covering her. There was a book on her lap and the television was turned onto an old episode of Seinfeld that she wasn't paying attention to. She was feeling anxious, not about any one thing in particular, but a lot of things. It had all started when she'd had a dream about her father, right before waking up that morning. It had left her feeling out of sorts, dazed and exhausted all day. The pain of loss was like a gaping hole in her chest, almost feeling larger than it had when Bobby had died less than a year ago. JD had asked her why she was so quiet and she'd brushed it off, claiming it was just a headache from seasonal allergies. He'd let it slide and she'd spent the rest of the day feeling bad for lying to her boyfriend about it. It still felt a little surreal to think of him that way, but after the night they'd watched Onward and spent most of the night alternating between talking about the past and making out, things had been a little more defined. She'd finally asked him to check out of the motel on the outskirts of town – there was no point in him wasting money when he'd been spending the night more often than not.
The white noise of the shower was almost calming, reminding her that no matter what crazy shit her subconscious was going to throw at her the moment her eyes finally closed, at least tonight she wasn't alone. Knowing that she wasn't going to make it through anymore of the book, she marked her place and pulled the blanket up higher, turning towards the television. She had hoped that either the book or late-night reruns would steal her focus from how anxious she was or the numerous thoughts that were running through her head. If anything, the idleness had made it worse. Making a sound of frustration, she threw the book down on the coffee table, covering the sound of JD's footsteps.
"Bad ending?"
"Huh?" She turned her head and saw he was looking at the book rather than at her. "Oh. No. I haven't made it that far yet. It's fine. I'm just not in the mood for reading, I guess." Smiling warmly, she moved her feet to give him space to sit if he wanted to. "You coming to watch TV with me?" Her smile felt forced even though it was genuine, as if it might crack at any moment.
His hair was still wet, mussed from the shower he'd just taken. The smile on his face was a tired one – he'd spent the day restoring and refinishing a solid oak bookshelf that he'd found on the side of the road in someone's trash. The top had been water damaged but it wasn't ruined. He'd only picked it up to keep himself busy – Leah knew that. With the way things had been around town lately, she was pretty sure she wasn't going to have a job to go back to when the bars and restaurants reopened. It was making the prospect of picking up to head to Nevada all the more reasonable.
JD sat down next to her and she immediately put her feet on his lap, wiggling her toes against the warm flannel of his pajama pants. "Anything good on besides this old relic?"
"No," she said, shaking her head, "besides the news."
"No thanks," he replied.
"My thoughts exactly." She reached out and grabbed his hand. "You look tired."
"It's a good kind of tired." JD shrugged, giving her hand a squeeze. "An honest day's work makes me feel..." he trailed off, hesitating as he considered the right word. "I'm not really sure what to call it. Always feel twitchy when I'm sitting around, doing nothing. Always been like that, I guess. Idle hands are the devil's playthings." He chuckled, bringing her hand up to his lips to kiss the back of it. "Besides, something nice came of it."
She could hear the pride glowing in his voice and it warmed her heart. "It looks incredible."
"I was thinking maybe we could bring it to your sister as a peace offering."
"I think Kayla would like that, for the baby's room." Thinking about her younger sister being married and pregnant, made her smile. It wouldn't be too much longer and they'd also be in Vegas. It was surreal to think that they were packing everything up with the plans to move out west. JD was taking a huge chance with her and it got her thinking about what else their future might hold. The more she thought about going her sister's situation, the more she was starting to question her own. The thoughts ended up leaving her mouth before she could stop them. "Do you think someday you might want to have more kids? Get married again?"
The silence that fell between them was abrupt and for a few moments JD kept his eyes on the TV, even though the volume was too low to really make out what was being said. "And what happens if I say I'm against the idea of both?" The words came out quietly, no real hint of emotion before he turned his head to look at her. His expression was unreadable as he stared at her for a few seconds, although there was something hard and almost defensive in his gaze. "Just so I know where the conversation goes from here."
Leah stared back at him; her own expression neutral even though she felt dismay sinking in her stomach. "If it's something you're against, then that's where this conversation ends." She looked down at her lap for a moment, fidgeting with the quilt.
JD said nothing, his eyes on her.
Flustered, she met his gaze and then looked down again. "I'm serious – it doesn't change anything with you and I. I know it was a serious question, but with us making this move, I guess I just wanted to know if those things would be in the cards. If they aren't something you want, then I'll be happy either way."
"I like how things are," he broke the silence just before it started to wear thin. "This doesn't feel..." he trailed off, the right word eluding him.
"Being yours is enough. I didn't mean anything by it." Now that she'd asked, she wasn't even sure those were things she wanted either.
Chuckling ruefully, he shook his head. "No need to be so fuckin' diplomatic. If that's what you want, then say it. Don't throw the question out there and then reel it back in when you don't get any bites... Jesus." He lifted his free hand and raked it through his hair, scratching his damp scalp before letting it fall back on top of her legs.
Now that she was looking at his hand, she could see the line of lighter skin, that slight indent in the spot where he'd obviously worn his wedding band for a very long time. She hadn't noticed it before now and she felt more questions well up that he must have seen in her eyes.
"You want me to be honest? It's been twenty years since I've... no, that's not right. I was gonna say since I've even thought about it, but I have. Too much. Nearly every day until it damn near broke me. Been runnin' away from that memory for too long, I guess." His voice had grown hoarse, "so, you want the truth? I don't know. I don't know if that's gonna satisfy you. I don't know 'cause I haven't thought about either in a real long time."
"Okay." Her voice came out soft as she rested her hand over his.
He was quiet for a few moments before he looked over at her again, forcing a tired smile. "Is that a deal breaker, then? You gonna throw me out on my ear?"
"No to both." She'd turned her head so that she was looking at the television once again. She could feel the prickle of tears and when she tried to blink them away, they ended up getting worse. Trying to sniffle as quietly as possible, Leah's hand came up and wiped at her cheeks. The dream about her father had screwed with her head and because of that, she felt off kilter. "It honestly was just a question, JD. I swear to God." The last thing she wanted was for things to be tense between them, especially since they were getting ready to move. "Forget it, okay?" Looking at him, she forced a smile and pulled the blanket up a little higher.
"Hey," he wasn't so out of touch with the whole relationship thing that he couldn't tell she was on the verge of tears. "That was out of line. Sorry. You just kinda caught me a little off-guard." Leaning forward, he picked up the remote and switched off the TV, not even caring that he was technically the guest in her home. "Alright. Out with it." He turned to her, adopting a stern look that almost reminded her of her father. "What's brought all this on? Did I do something to set you off? Did something happen today when I was out?"
Leah didn't answer right away, instead she looked at the television that had just been turned off. "I had a dream about my dad last night. He wasn't dead. We all thought he was, but he was alive." Tears had begun to freely slide down her cheeks and she made no attempt at wiping them away. "He had amnesia though and when they asked him if he still loved Leah, he said he didn't know." She winced at the memory of it and leaned her head back against the couch. "I woke up and it felt like I lost him all over again. There's this pulsating, gaping hole in my chest right now; I mean it's always there, but it's worse than it usually is." She finally met his eyes. "And I just wanna cling onto you right now to make sure you aren't gonna go." She felt so stupid, even though she knew the man beside her wouldn't judge her. "My anxiety is through the fucking roof and my head's all jumbled up."
"I'm not going anywhere," JD murmured, moving closer so that he could wrap his arms around her and he pulled her into his lap. "Wish I had the magic words to fix that hurt. Hell, wish I could even tell you how to go about closing that wound but..." he trailed off into a sigh, kissing the top of her head. "I dealt real poorly with my own losses. Couldn't even begin to tell you what I did those first couple years after my family was taken from me. I drank. A lot. Most of it was a blur and I think that's probably for the best." He didn't want to tell her what he'd done in those lost years, the sort of shit he'd let circumstances force him into. Losing the worst of it to the haze of raging alcoholism was a blessing in disguise. "Did a number on my liver, though. Not sure I'd recommend it as far as coping mechanisms go. Promise I'll listen, if you wanna talk it out."
When his arms wrapped around her, Leah snuggled as close to him as she could. "It'll never close and I have to learn to live with it." She was so grateful to have this man in her life. He'd stepped up and been her rock, sticking by her no matter what. "It all puts things in perspective..." she lifted her head to look into his eyes. "I'm glad you're going to see your son."
"Provided he wants to see me." He looked at her for a few seconds before breaking eye contact, turning his focus to the dark TV screen as though he was seeing something else there. "I'm not sure he'll welcome me in with open arms. Not that I'd blame him, of course. To be honest, it's not something I'm looking forward to."
"I'm sure at first it's going to be awkward and difficult." She'd moved so that she was almost straddling him now, facing him. "It'll take time, but at the end of the day, you're his father and I'm sure there will be a part of him that is going to be happy to know you're alive." Leaning in, she kissed his scruffy cheek and hugged him tightly. "And I promise that no matter what, you're always going to have me."
"Hell of a consolation prize." He chuckled and shook his head, dismissing his own doubts. The last thing he wanted to do was make her distress all about himself, but the thought wouldn't stop circling in his head. "Dunno what's worse, really. The dreams you're having or the fact that I don't remember my wife's face. Not as though I can look anything up. I destroyed the photos I had years ago, felt too much like I was clinging to the past, dragging around a corpse." He made a face at the analogy, "sorry. Poor choice of words."
Her chin rested on his shoulder as she considered his problem. "Maybe your kids still have pictures of her and you could get a copy." She couldn't imagine not being able to remember her father's face and it only made her hurt for this man more. "Maybe we could do some digging online and find something. If it's what you want."
"No." His voice came out harder than expected and he felt like he needed to soften that when he felt her tense up a little. "That wasn't my point. I don't need that – it's for the best." Even as he said it, he wasn't sure that was at all true. "Eventually have to move on. A part of me remembers. The memories, the love... you never really lose that. I think maybe that's what your dreams are. You're afraid you're going to forget. To lose the little bit you got to keep after Bobby passed."
What he said made sense and she nodded in agreement. That was one of her worst fears, that she'd one day forget things about her father that she held close. Of course, before Bobby passed, they'd taken videos and pictures, so forgetting really wasn't going to be easy to do. That was Leah, though. She had a tendency to focus on worst-case scenario.
"If there's something I can do to help..."
"I'll let you know." He finished her thought, nodding.
She wanted to be his rock as he had been hers, desperate to find a way to repay everything he'd done for her. "I'm serious. Anything. Just ask."
"I'm okay." His eyes met hers and she could tell he was telling the truth. "More so than I've been in a real long time." The level of honesty would have scared him in the past. There was just something different about her, about the way she made him feel. "Appreciate the offer, though. And right back at you, too. Whatever you need, Leah. I'm here." He nodded, a hint of a smile crossing his lips as he gave her a little squeeze. "In the meantime, you look as done in as I feel. You wanna maybe head to bed?"
"I do." Leah got off his lap and held her hands out for him to take. They both needed a good night's sleep. Even with the way he'd skillfully sidestepped her question, she felt reassured as his hands slipped into hers. She knew if she had another dream, JD would be there to hold onto her through it.
The white noise of the shower was almost calming, reminding her that no matter what crazy shit her subconscious was going to throw at her the moment her eyes finally closed, at least tonight she wasn't alone. Knowing that she wasn't going to make it through anymore of the book, she marked her place and pulled the blanket up higher, turning towards the television. She had hoped that either the book or late-night reruns would steal her focus from how anxious she was or the numerous thoughts that were running through her head. If anything, the idleness had made it worse. Making a sound of frustration, she threw the book down on the coffee table, covering the sound of JD's footsteps.
"Bad ending?"
"Huh?" She turned her head and saw he was looking at the book rather than at her. "Oh. No. I haven't made it that far yet. It's fine. I'm just not in the mood for reading, I guess." Smiling warmly, she moved her feet to give him space to sit if he wanted to. "You coming to watch TV with me?" Her smile felt forced even though it was genuine, as if it might crack at any moment.
His hair was still wet, mussed from the shower he'd just taken. The smile on his face was a tired one – he'd spent the day restoring and refinishing a solid oak bookshelf that he'd found on the side of the road in someone's trash. The top had been water damaged but it wasn't ruined. He'd only picked it up to keep himself busy – Leah knew that. With the way things had been around town lately, she was pretty sure she wasn't going to have a job to go back to when the bars and restaurants reopened. It was making the prospect of picking up to head to Nevada all the more reasonable.
JD sat down next to her and she immediately put her feet on his lap, wiggling her toes against the warm flannel of his pajama pants. "Anything good on besides this old relic?"
"No," she said, shaking her head, "besides the news."
"No thanks," he replied.
"My thoughts exactly." She reached out and grabbed his hand. "You look tired."
"It's a good kind of tired." JD shrugged, giving her hand a squeeze. "An honest day's work makes me feel..." he trailed off, hesitating as he considered the right word. "I'm not really sure what to call it. Always feel twitchy when I'm sitting around, doing nothing. Always been like that, I guess. Idle hands are the devil's playthings." He chuckled, bringing her hand up to his lips to kiss the back of it. "Besides, something nice came of it."
She could hear the pride glowing in his voice and it warmed her heart. "It looks incredible."
"I was thinking maybe we could bring it to your sister as a peace offering."
"I think Kayla would like that, for the baby's room." Thinking about her younger sister being married and pregnant, made her smile. It wouldn't be too much longer and they'd also be in Vegas. It was surreal to think that they were packing everything up with the plans to move out west. JD was taking a huge chance with her and it got her thinking about what else their future might hold. The more she thought about going her sister's situation, the more she was starting to question her own. The thoughts ended up leaving her mouth before she could stop them. "Do you think someday you might want to have more kids? Get married again?"
The silence that fell between them was abrupt and for a few moments JD kept his eyes on the TV, even though the volume was too low to really make out what was being said. "And what happens if I say I'm against the idea of both?" The words came out quietly, no real hint of emotion before he turned his head to look at her. His expression was unreadable as he stared at her for a few seconds, although there was something hard and almost defensive in his gaze. "Just so I know where the conversation goes from here."
Leah stared back at him; her own expression neutral even though she felt dismay sinking in her stomach. "If it's something you're against, then that's where this conversation ends." She looked down at her lap for a moment, fidgeting with the quilt.
JD said nothing, his eyes on her.
Flustered, she met his gaze and then looked down again. "I'm serious – it doesn't change anything with you and I. I know it was a serious question, but with us making this move, I guess I just wanted to know if those things would be in the cards. If they aren't something you want, then I'll be happy either way."
"I like how things are," he broke the silence just before it started to wear thin. "This doesn't feel..." he trailed off, the right word eluding him.
"Being yours is enough. I didn't mean anything by it." Now that she'd asked, she wasn't even sure those were things she wanted either.
Chuckling ruefully, he shook his head. "No need to be so fuckin' diplomatic. If that's what you want, then say it. Don't throw the question out there and then reel it back in when you don't get any bites... Jesus." He lifted his free hand and raked it through his hair, scratching his damp scalp before letting it fall back on top of her legs.
Now that she was looking at his hand, she could see the line of lighter skin, that slight indent in the spot where he'd obviously worn his wedding band for a very long time. She hadn't noticed it before now and she felt more questions well up that he must have seen in her eyes.
"You want me to be honest? It's been twenty years since I've... no, that's not right. I was gonna say since I've even thought about it, but I have. Too much. Nearly every day until it damn near broke me. Been runnin' away from that memory for too long, I guess." His voice had grown hoarse, "so, you want the truth? I don't know. I don't know if that's gonna satisfy you. I don't know 'cause I haven't thought about either in a real long time."
"Okay." Her voice came out soft as she rested her hand over his.
He was quiet for a few moments before he looked over at her again, forcing a tired smile. "Is that a deal breaker, then? You gonna throw me out on my ear?"
"No to both." She'd turned her head so that she was looking at the television once again. She could feel the prickle of tears and when she tried to blink them away, they ended up getting worse. Trying to sniffle as quietly as possible, Leah's hand came up and wiped at her cheeks. The dream about her father had screwed with her head and because of that, she felt off kilter. "It honestly was just a question, JD. I swear to God." The last thing she wanted was for things to be tense between them, especially since they were getting ready to move. "Forget it, okay?" Looking at him, she forced a smile and pulled the blanket up a little higher.
"Hey," he wasn't so out of touch with the whole relationship thing that he couldn't tell she was on the verge of tears. "That was out of line. Sorry. You just kinda caught me a little off-guard." Leaning forward, he picked up the remote and switched off the TV, not even caring that he was technically the guest in her home. "Alright. Out with it." He turned to her, adopting a stern look that almost reminded her of her father. "What's brought all this on? Did I do something to set you off? Did something happen today when I was out?"
Leah didn't answer right away, instead she looked at the television that had just been turned off. "I had a dream about my dad last night. He wasn't dead. We all thought he was, but he was alive." Tears had begun to freely slide down her cheeks and she made no attempt at wiping them away. "He had amnesia though and when they asked him if he still loved Leah, he said he didn't know." She winced at the memory of it and leaned her head back against the couch. "I woke up and it felt like I lost him all over again. There's this pulsating, gaping hole in my chest right now; I mean it's always there, but it's worse than it usually is." She finally met his eyes. "And I just wanna cling onto you right now to make sure you aren't gonna go." She felt so stupid, even though she knew the man beside her wouldn't judge her. "My anxiety is through the fucking roof and my head's all jumbled up."
"I'm not going anywhere," JD murmured, moving closer so that he could wrap his arms around her and he pulled her into his lap. "Wish I had the magic words to fix that hurt. Hell, wish I could even tell you how to go about closing that wound but..." he trailed off into a sigh, kissing the top of her head. "I dealt real poorly with my own losses. Couldn't even begin to tell you what I did those first couple years after my family was taken from me. I drank. A lot. Most of it was a blur and I think that's probably for the best." He didn't want to tell her what he'd done in those lost years, the sort of shit he'd let circumstances force him into. Losing the worst of it to the haze of raging alcoholism was a blessing in disguise. "Did a number on my liver, though. Not sure I'd recommend it as far as coping mechanisms go. Promise I'll listen, if you wanna talk it out."
When his arms wrapped around her, Leah snuggled as close to him as she could. "It'll never close and I have to learn to live with it." She was so grateful to have this man in her life. He'd stepped up and been her rock, sticking by her no matter what. "It all puts things in perspective..." she lifted her head to look into his eyes. "I'm glad you're going to see your son."
"Provided he wants to see me." He looked at her for a few seconds before breaking eye contact, turning his focus to the dark TV screen as though he was seeing something else there. "I'm not sure he'll welcome me in with open arms. Not that I'd blame him, of course. To be honest, it's not something I'm looking forward to."
"I'm sure at first it's going to be awkward and difficult." She'd moved so that she was almost straddling him now, facing him. "It'll take time, but at the end of the day, you're his father and I'm sure there will be a part of him that is going to be happy to know you're alive." Leaning in, she kissed his scruffy cheek and hugged him tightly. "And I promise that no matter what, you're always going to have me."
"Hell of a consolation prize." He chuckled and shook his head, dismissing his own doubts. The last thing he wanted to do was make her distress all about himself, but the thought wouldn't stop circling in his head. "Dunno what's worse, really. The dreams you're having or the fact that I don't remember my wife's face. Not as though I can look anything up. I destroyed the photos I had years ago, felt too much like I was clinging to the past, dragging around a corpse." He made a face at the analogy, "sorry. Poor choice of words."
Her chin rested on his shoulder as she considered his problem. "Maybe your kids still have pictures of her and you could get a copy." She couldn't imagine not being able to remember her father's face and it only made her hurt for this man more. "Maybe we could do some digging online and find something. If it's what you want."
"No." His voice came out harder than expected and he felt like he needed to soften that when he felt her tense up a little. "That wasn't my point. I don't need that – it's for the best." Even as he said it, he wasn't sure that was at all true. "Eventually have to move on. A part of me remembers. The memories, the love... you never really lose that. I think maybe that's what your dreams are. You're afraid you're going to forget. To lose the little bit you got to keep after Bobby passed."
What he said made sense and she nodded in agreement. That was one of her worst fears, that she'd one day forget things about her father that she held close. Of course, before Bobby passed, they'd taken videos and pictures, so forgetting really wasn't going to be easy to do. That was Leah, though. She had a tendency to focus on worst-case scenario.
"If there's something I can do to help..."
"I'll let you know." He finished her thought, nodding.
She wanted to be his rock as he had been hers, desperate to find a way to repay everything he'd done for her. "I'm serious. Anything. Just ask."
"I'm okay." His eyes met hers and she could tell he was telling the truth. "More so than I've been in a real long time." The level of honesty would have scared him in the past. There was just something different about her, about the way she made him feel. "Appreciate the offer, though. And right back at you, too. Whatever you need, Leah. I'm here." He nodded, a hint of a smile crossing his lips as he gave her a little squeeze. "In the meantime, you look as done in as I feel. You wanna maybe head to bed?"
"I do." Leah got off his lap and held her hands out for him to take. They both needed a good night's sleep. Even with the way he'd skillfully sidestepped her question, she felt reassured as his hands slipped into hers. She knew if she had another dream, JD would be there to hold onto her through it.
