Chapter 30 (Home Sweet Home)

darkhorseonline.net blog posting || 05-01-2018 03:33 HOURS SIERRA VISTA

DAYS SOBER: 1544

It's been 370 days since the last time I posted anything here. Took me half an hour to get back in because I misplaced the password. Getting old is bullshit – if you can avoid it, you should. Seven and a half hours of a drive across state lines awaits me and instead of jumping behind the wheel like I would have six, seven years ago, I'm forcing myself to be reasonable. To acknowledge my limitations as a human being. I need a few hours of rest because this has been a relentless shitshow week from hell.

I can still smell smoke even though I've showered five times since I left the site. I left my clothes outside. Threw out my shoes. Had my car detailed, cleaned inside and out – it's in my head and I'm not sure if it's psychosomatic or I'm just finding myself latching on to it because I vibe with the metaphor. This isn't going to last much longer. I can feel the winds changing and I have to admit I'm losing control. Not of myself, mind you. The situation. These psychopaths and deviants and undesirables that I've been stuck with and have been tasked with keeping in line in the attempts to produce something people want to watch. I'll give it two weeks, tops, before I'm out on my ear. I'd lament that, if I actually gave a shit. This was a nice dalliance, a good filler for my oodles of excess time. Hanging up my boots was harder than I ever imagined it would be. The void it created was so vast it felt all-encompassing for far too long. No more training, no more deadline and travel and carefully ordered regimen to stick to. I kept up with the weights, pushing myself less. Focusing more on core strength these days, more on stamina and longevity than maintaining this vascular temple that nobody else sees.

Things feel pointless these days. I've felt like I'm on autopilot for the last fucking year and I have NOTHING to account for those days that have passed. I saved a sinking ship. I stepped in when nobody else wanted it and I've gotten no thanks for it whatsoever. Will anyone care when I step back out the door, throw the ashes to someone else to figure out if it's worth saving? I doubt it.

Larry Gowan was right. After a certain point in one's career in this industry, everything piles on and creates a cloak of invisibility. Look right through me when I'm not online and on TV and streaming to a million households on a weekly basis. My name holds no power. The brand I cultivated for twenty years is utterly meaningless. None of the shit I sacrificed my body, my health, my fucking sanity for means a goddamned thing.

That's the most depressing part of all of this.

I'm that ruin in the desert with the placard that reads:

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!

Fuck. What a shitty way to go.

– Jax


Las Vegas || 05-01-2018

It was just after eleven, creeping on midnight when Alyvia Jackson finished up her nightly routine of skin care followed by lotion. Her five-year-old son Christian had been put to bed about three hours before and it was time for her to call it. She couldn't help the tug at her heart that longed for her ex-husband to be slipping in bed next to her. Less than a week before, she had thought that's where they were headed, but it wasn't meant to be. Jax had never shown up as he'd promised to do, he'd cancelled on her through a text message that bordered on rudely dismissive and she hadn't heard anything since. Not seeing him had been a low blow but she wasn't about to let herself go to pieces over it. She'd gotten good at faking smiles over the past few years.

She'd just pulled back the goose down comforter on her king-sized bed when she heard a persistent knocking on her front door. It had been startling, causing her to almost jump out of her skin – she'd seen enough horror movies to know that was never a good thing. There was only one other person who ever showed up this late but Rick always called or texted first to let her know he was on his way. Lyv stood frozen in place, waiting to see if the person knocking would get bored and leave.

When the knocking continued after almost two minutes, the blonde grabbed her worn fleece robe to cover the black over-sized T-shirt she had on and then reached for her cell phone, finger poised over the emergency call button. Leaving her bedroom, she peeked into Christian's bedroom and saw that he was still sound asleep. Not wanting to chance him waking up, she quietly shut his door and then made her way to the front door. Nervously, she looked through the door's peephole and had to do a double take when she saw Jackson was standing there.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Lyv dropped her phone into the robe's pocket and undid the locks on her door. She couldn't hold back the flood of emotion, torn between being pissed off that he'd shown up randomly like this and wanting to fling her arms around his neck and kiss him. She opened the door and stood there for a few seconds, staring at him. "Jax what-"

"It's late, I know." He rested a hand on the door frame and now that he was in the light, she could see how tired he looked.

"Do you wanna come in?" She really didn't know what else to say and the moment the words left her lips, she wanted to cringe. They sounded so awkward.

He heard that hesitation in her voice, knew exactly what it meant. She'd assumed the worst and he hated himself for getting so preoccupied in trivial bullshit that he'd forgotten to reach out again after that stupid text message. Clearly she'd assumed that his birthday weekend had been one last fling. "Lyv…"

"You don't owe me any explanation," she replied, her voice surprisingly steady even though her insides were a riot of nerves.

"I do, though." He stared right back at her, making no effort to mask his emotions like he usually did. The exhaustion and frustration and yawning abyss of depression were all there for her to see. "It's been a fucked-up week from hell. Wouldn't mind sitting down for a little bit, even though my knees are killing me after the drive in from Arizona."

"Okay," she finally relented, nodding as she took a step back to allow him entry. She watched him shuffle over the threshold, wondering just how much pain he was in that he wasn't going to admit to before turning and locking the door behind him. Her mind was sort of reeling that he'd shown up. She'd absolutely convinced herself that they were through. "The uhm…" she turned to find him looking at her and the sight was so damned familiar and unexpected at the same time that the words died on her lips. She reached past him and flipped one of the light switches on the wall, illuminating the spacious living room. "Couch is pretty comfortable, if you want. Make yourself at home."

Jackson took the invitation to heart and walked in, pausing only to kick off the worn pair of Vans he had on. Slowly, he bent over to arrange them precisely next to the other shoes on the mat next to the door, using the moment to stretch his aching muscles. When he straightened up, it was with a groan and a wince and he rested his hand against the wall for a moment, waiting for the twinge of pain to settle down. "Cute place," he said with a forced smile, glancing from her to the couch before making his way in that direction.

"Thanks." The word was followed with a tight smile as she folded her fleece-covered arms against her chest. "Can I get you anything? Water, tea, juice?" This was one of the most awkward situations she'd been in with this man and she was unsure of how to proceed.

"Got anything stronger?" He chuckled ruefully, turning back towards her rather than sitting down. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans, rattling a handful of change. "I…" he cleared his throat, looking almost sheepish. "I'm sorry I didn't call. One of the… fuck, I don't even know what I'm supposed to call them. One of the 'talent' lost his fuckin' mind, torched the Asylum. Ruined the offices we were using, wrecked my laptop and my phone. Spent the whole week trying to deal with that mess. Needless to say, the top brass isn't too pleased with me right now." He sighed, "I was dodging all my calls – wasn't anything personal." He wanted to tell her that he'd ducked Amelia for the week too, until he'd finally had to bite the bullet and tell her the truth about what had happened in Vegas.

"Oh. I see." She stayed where she was, watching him warily.

"Actually, you might remember the guy who did it. From CWF. Tommy McMaster. Dressed like a goth kid, like some wannabe Lestat. Liked to play with fire then, too."

Dismissing the mention of that cesspool of a company, she nodded. "You weren't kidding. That's quite the week." The words came out on the heels of an awkward laugh as she exhaled. "I'm glad you're okay, though." He hadn't stood her up and here he was explaining to her why he hadn't been able to make it. Perhaps they still had a chance. "Were you able to replace your things?"

"Yeah. New laptop's on order from Apple. Should be here tomorrow or the next day." He finally sat down, letting out an exhausted sigh. "The moment the show went off the air, I headed out. Made it as far as Sierra Vista before I had to admit I needed to catch some shuteye. Would've been here sooner… and I'd have called but I forgot to charge my phone and I didn't bring a charger with me. It's been dead since this morning… so… surprise?" He held out his hands, palms up as he shrugged again. "If you're pissed off, just tell me so we can get that out of the way?"

Lyv shook her head, finally taking a seat on the couch next to him. "I'm not mad, Jackson. I just figured you thought things over and didn't want this." There were multiple times after he hadn't shown up that she'd thought he truly had ghosted her and even then, she couldn't be mad at him for it. "I wouldn't blame you if that's what you decided." She couldn't help but feel as though she were on some sort of minefield, not from anything projecting from Jax, but due to her own anxiety and insecurity.

"Is that what you think? Seriously?" He sounded almost incredulous even though he could see her point. It had been seventeen days since they'd last seen each other. "Thought it over, yeah. Did a whole lot of that over the last week. Funny how some psycho torching your shit can really put life into perspective." His smile was bitter even as he held his hand out to her. "I broke things off with Lia. Told her about Vegas. About seeing you – didn't go into details."

Taking his hand in her own had been an automatic reaction, one she'd never been able to deny. "You did?" There was a hint of a smile on her face, but she was hesitant about getting too excited or letting it show. Her hand fit perfectly in his, just as it always had, from that first night almost five and a half years before. "How did that go?"

"Well, she wasn't happy. Let's put it that way." He gave her hand a squeeze, shaking his head. "I've got someone coming in a week to do an assessment on the house in Coral Gables, too. We'll see how much it's depreciated in value since I bought it – haven't done anything with it. Hell, half the shit we brought from Reno is still in boxes, piled up in one of the empty rooms. Drove Missy crazy… wouldn't let her touch the stuff."

Lyv kept a hold of his hand, thankful for this physical connection they were able to share. "Where do you think you'd want to go after that house is sold?" The fact that he'd kept stuff from the Reno house had her mind racing with what he'd wanted to hold onto from their life together. "And what all did you keep from the house?"

"Knickknacks. A box of kitchen junk. Whatever clothes and shit you didn't take when you split." He shrugged dismissively. "I… don't really know what's in there. Didn't really feel up to picking through that emotional minefield so I just left it alone." The admission could go for the house as well. He'd tried to make a go of it with Missy there, but it had never felt right. It had felt too much like he was trying to recreate what he'd lost and no matter how hard he tried to make that happen, the truth was staring him in the face: Missy, as great as she'd been, was never going to be Lyv. "Suitcase is in the car… brought enough stuff for at least a week or so." He lifted her hand up to his lips, kissing the back of it, "that is, if you'll have me. If it's not too weird and I'm not completely jumping the gun here."

Everything she had wanted was right there for her to take. She knew there would never be another man for her and more than anything, their son deserved his family. "Of course." She struggled to find the right words, feeling that desperation coming off him in waves. He'd put it all out there, heart on his sleeve. "Stay. My house is your house." Leaning in, she hugged onto him, the tightness that had been in her chest for almost three weeks, finally loosening. "We have a lot to talk about, though. I want to start fresh with you, on solid ground."

"Fresh?" He nodded, "I like the sound of that." Pulling her into his lap, he wrapped his arms around her tightly. It felt so damned good to have her there, to slip back into the old habits that still felt so right, even after all this time and distance. "I'm not tired…" he chuckled, "as much as I should be, I don't feel wrecked. We can talk, babe, if that's what you want."

"I do." That hint of a smile had finally formed as she nodded. "I think if we had talked more back then, maybe things would have been different." It felt better than anything she remembered, to be in his arms and along with the flood of good memories came the bad ones. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you until a few weeks ago about the baby."

"I'm sorry I didn't push harder," he countered her apology with one of his own, kissing her forehead. "I'm sorry I didn't ask how Christian is… how he's been doing. I didn't even think when I saw you at the club… I've been pissed at myself ever since."

Thinking of their son made her smile brighten. "He's… he's absolutely wonderful." It was easy to see how proud she was of their five-year-old. "He's in preschool and really smart. He has lots of friends and even a few girlfriends. He's the Casanova of the playground."

Jackson chuckled; his own smile was tinged with sadness. "I'm sure he is. Gets that from you, of course." The words were on the tip of his tongue and he almost bit them back before finally spitting them out. "What did you tell him? About… us? About why I haven't been around?"

"Well, I told him that Mommy and Daddy needed some time away from each other." It had been an extremely hard conversation that she'd had. "Then he knew that you traveled for work. He's missed you though and he's gonna be so happy in the morning when he sees you."

"Needed some time." He nodded, "that's… actually astonishingly accurate. And it sounds a lot better than 'Daddy's a fucking asshole who needs to be taken out behind the barn and put out of his misery'." He flashed a rueful smile, "we were both waist-deep in our own bullshit, drowning with the demons."

"Yeah, but it seems like we're making it out on the other side." She turned her body so that she was facing him, her hands resting on his broad shoulders. "I promise that I am NEVER going to leave you again. I know I have to build that trust up, but I'll spend the rest of my life doing that."

"I'm clean, Lyv. Healthy and sober." His eyes were locked on hers, "almost fell off the wagon after… but I didn't. Couldn't bring myself to tear everything apart. When push came to shove there, I pussed out and just hung up the boots instead. Took me a year to feel human again and there were a lot of days I just wanted to put a gun in my mouth and end it all. Five years is a long fuckin' time, though. That's a milestone moment… and I guess I was holding that close because it was the only damn thing I still had. Just a few months to go yet, but I'll make it."

The fact that he had managed to stay sober after everything made her so proud of him. She couldn't imagine what it would have been like to get a call that he'd killed himself, it honestly might have sent her right after him. "Baby, I am so proud of you." Her hands came up and rested on either side of his face as she kissed him softly. "And I hope you're proud of yourself."

"I am." He said it softly, the truth ringing in his words. For so long he'd been chasing after that acknowledgement that he'd never gotten as a child, something to fill the void where praise and love should have been. "I really, truly am." He closed his eyes, letting himself feel that gentle touch that was so familiar. "God, I missed you."

"And I've missed you." Her hands left his face as she let her head rest on his shoulder, her face burying against his neck. "Wherever you decide you want to go, Christian and I will be with you."

"Here. Maybe back to Reno eventually?" He sounded wistful as he held her, feeling that reassuring weight and warmth of her in his arms. It had been too long and now it felt like he'd been reunited with the part that had been missing for years. "Here… for now. Don't wanna leave you again – apparently bad things happen when I do." His chuckle was raw, filled with bitterness even though it felt true. "If you'll have me, I'd like to stay."

Pulling back, Lyv met her ex-husband's eyes and nodded. "Jax… there's nowhere else I'd want you to be." Leaning in, she softly kissed his lips, feeling happier than she had in what felt like a lifetime. "Your place is here, with Christian and I… wherever the three of us are together, that's home."