promo video: the people's court

The video began with high production values— it was Unstoppable 3, after all. Panning across a busy city street, the camera then rushed inside a courthouse, pausing inside the double oak doors as a familiar song began.

Do-doo-doot… ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka… do-doot-doot-dooo.

"This is the plaintiff, Jodie Gray," as the voiceover guy spoke, the doors opened and revealed the logo of THE PEOPLE'S COURT over which someone had spray-painted FFW in sunny yellow paint. A woman who was clearly NOT Jodie Gray but a dark-haired female cosplayer PRETENDING to be her walked in, carrying a folder.

The voiceover continued, "she says she used to respect the defendant and everything was fine until they had to face each other in a wrestling ring more than twice. The defendant won some matches and just stopped being respectful of the plaintiff and the rest of the wrestling world altogether. She got fed up because the defendant has received more opportunities and wasted them all. She has been overlooked and that's just not fair! She's suing for one hundred and twenty three thousand, four hundred and fifty-six dollars and seventy-eight cents, which is coincidentally also one of the hardest achievements to get in Rock Band."

Jodie stepped up to the podium and managed to look serious, even with a plastic Zorro mask over her eyes while the typewriter spelled out the words on the screen.


Do-doo-doot… ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka… do-doot-doot-dooo.

The doors opened again and in walked Mel Avilo's doppelganger, accompanied by a man who looked somewhat like the real Andy Marx, who was also the current Television Champ's trainer. "This is the defendant, Mel Avilo who says that Jodie's fan-girl worship made her very uncomfortable. She was always just making up lies and nitpicking everything said on Twitter, just looking for a fight. She went out of her way to defeat the defendant, both verbally and physically on several occasions."

Mel stepped up to her podium and continued to text people with her cell phone before looking up and giving a little wave to the camera. The typewriter spelled the words out on the screen.


The standard courtroom junk occurred with the two parties being asked to raise their hands and swear to tell the truth which they both agreed to. The camera finally zoomed in on Judge Kasey Summers, who was wearing a strawberry blonde wig and real judge's robes in an attempt to look like the actual host Judge Marilyn Milian. She smiled as she was handed the folder on the case.

"So, Miss Gray, you're suing your former friend-" Summer began, only to be cut off by Mel Avilo.

"Whoa… all due respect, ma'am, but she is SO NOT my friend. As if I would ever be able to stand an egotistical dork like her for more than the seventeen seconds it takes me to view one of her lame promotional videos? I mean, did you know she was eliminated the VERY FIRST WEEK on Future Shock? If it's allowed, I'd really like to enter a counter suit, filing that I should be paid that money by her," she cocked a thumb in the masked Jodie's direction, "because we both know she's unoriginal and could never hope to be good enough to beat you… er, I mean Summer, ma'am."

Summer cocked her head, "highly unusual, but I'll allow it."

"OBJECTION!" Jodie shrieked, pressing the triangle button on the wireless PS3 controller in her hand furiously.

Summer rolled her eyes, "it's square-square-circle, dummy. You're doing it wrong just like you do everything wrong. Sheesh, you still haven't figured out Twitter after all, and that was back in January!"

Smirking, Summer turned back to Mel and winked before looking at Jodie. "So you say she owes you this sum of money for what? Because she said she was better than you and she PROVED IT?" She looked down at the folder in front of her, leafing through a couple pages before shaking her head. "This is unbelievably stupid, Jodie. Let it go already. I know you hate that you lost to her but-"

"I PRESSED RESTART! I TOOK OUT THE 'GENERIC MOVESET CARTRIDGE', BLEW ON IT, AND PUT IT BACK IN WITH THE GAME GENIE AND I STILL FAILED! HOW CAN THAT BE?!" She shrieked, flailing theatrically.

"See? This is what you have to contend with when you face her. It's either an obscure game reference or she's babbling on to her Gray Nation as though they actually exist." Mel interjected, rolling her eyes again as she leaned against Andy Marx. "We both know they're as elusive as Lucas Peek fans, after all."

"Right," Summer nodded, "so when was the last time Miss Avilo bruised your poor, delicate little ego, Miss Gray?"

Jodie put down her controller and picked up her cell phone, furiously attempting to scroll through her massive Twitter backlog. "It was um, just a second because I can totally find the subtweet where she said something about leaky pipes in her house and that was clearly referring to that basement scene in Day of the Tentacle for PC where you-"

"Stay on topic," Judge Summer warned, pointing a finger. "Just an approximate timeline would be wonderful."

"Uh, probably like a week ago, or so. It's hard to say really, because there are a lot of tweets on here to go through and I don't have a lot of time what with all my training and gaming."

Summer rolled her eyes, "right, so you don't really have anything concrete against her in the least."

"She sucks," Jodie wailed, "she's mean and if she touches your belt, she'll ruin it faster than Howard Scott Warshaw did to that ET video game made for the Atari 2600— then we'll have DVD copies of Unstoppable 3 filling up that Alamogordo, New Mexico landfill too!"

"See, Kasey?" Mel's hands were on her hips as she glared at the plaintiff. "This is why nobody likes you, Jodie! This is why people try their hardest when they go against you because they want to shut you up!"

Summer pointed her gavel in Mel's direction, giving her a patronizing look. "And… what were her comments towards you for this match?"

Mel shook her head, "see, that's just the thing. She didn't really say anything other than babble about tears and blood and how she leaves that in the ring like it's some huge revelation when we ALL do that."

"Yeah, that's about as huge a revelation as the Konami code." Summer rolled her eyes.

"Summer," Jodie began, "I just wanted you to know that I really want that title bad so, like, if you could just unplug your controller when I go for the finish that would be awesome. I promise I only want to keep it for a few weeks before I lose it to someone horrible because I'm inconsistent as hell. You could maybe even have a rematch and then-"

Judge Summer slammed the gavel down, bellowing. "ORDER! SHUT THE HELL UP!" With a smile, Judge Summer nodded towards the defendant, "please, continue, Miss Avilo."

"And then, just four days ago…" she was interrupted as Judge Summer interjected.

"Wait, I thought the incident in question was months ago?"

"There were two separate occasions of this ridiculous verbal abuse from her!" A near sobbing Plaintiff Gray replied.

"Oh, wow." Judge Summer glanced at the defendant, "you really are a bit of a bitch, aren't you?"

Judge Summer turned her attention back to the plaintiff, "alright then. Please tell me what she said that was so horrible?"

"This is terribly embarrassing… but she said that I was a wannabe and that I hate her because I just want to be her." Jodie finally lost it and began to sob in earnest.

"Well, duh," Summer rolled her eyes, "and Jackson called me Emo on Twitter? Chyeah, right." Judge Summer turned to the defendant, "your turn."

"Your honor, I can't really deny saying that on more than twelve occasions. I really don't have a date to back it up, but everyone knows that Hanna Elliot and Jodie Gray are essentially the same person and they both suck. It's like comparing the popular television shows Scrubs and Community— they're essentially the same thing with different names and the same plot lines!"

Summer nodded, "like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey, you mean. Interesting." Judge Summer pondered this revelation for a moment before removing the wad of purple gum from her mouth. This she proceeded to stick between the pages in the folder before handing it off to the bailiff. "Alright so now that you've both got me here as a captive audience, I'm listening… do you have anything at all to say about me or this match we have?"

Defendant Avilo pointed at the sobbing plaintiff, "look, just look at how ridiculous she is. She's still crying over the fact that she lost Future Shock and that I beat her. Grow up, Jodie. Really."

"ME!" Summer screamed, waving her hands for emphasis. "I don't care about your stupid little squabble that started back in January. IT'S FREAKING JULY AND THIS IS UNSTOPPABLE AND NEITHER OF YOU HAVE SAID ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RELEVANT TO THE SITUATION AT HAND!"

"I have the Gray Nation behind me," Jodie sniffled, "and I won't let them down because they brought me this far-"

"WRONG!" Summer shrieked, "your own sheer luck and determination and whatever other junk you had going on when you won this opportunity was what did it. There is no Gray Nation. Five people have been to your website in the last two weeks, Jodie. FIVE WHOLE PEOPLE! Even Dan Pollaski thinks you made it this far by hook or crook or something and knows you won't succeed-"

"Of course she-"

"YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!" Judge Summer bit her lip, trying to contain her anger in the face of being ignored by these two bickering schoolgirls. "The court realizes that the plaintiff is indeed a weak little poser bitch, however, she is not suing you over her spotlight-craving habits that rival only Kelly McGuffin, she is suing you over accusing her of being unoriginal and unchampionship-like."

"I don't… think that's a word," Jodie interjected, "you're doing that… wordsing with your mouth thing wrong-"

"OH MY GOD, IT'S CALLED TALKING!"

"Well whatever, I like it better when the words appear on the screen too so I don't have to listen. Listening is really, really hard."

"You know, I have some material prepared that clearly showcases how much she sucks. She lost to me. She lost to Lightning. Let's not even talk about her SECOND Future Shock failure-"

"Not necessary for you to repeat what we already know, Miss Avilo." Summer banged her gavel for good measure.

"Well then take a look at this!" Mel reached into her cleavage and pulled out a photograph that showed Jodie furiously tapping out to an ankle lock from Cookie Monster. "Here, your honor. This is the only proof I need that Jodie will never reach my level of awesomeness."

"YOU LYING BITCH!" Jodie pointed at Judge Summer. "YOU! You're in on this, trying to keep me out the title picture. YOU CHEATER! This was Photoshopped! That is not me! That was Lucas Peek in that picture! Everyone saw that meme on Twitter months ago!" Jodie stabbed buttons on her phone furiously and then stormed up to the bench, thrusting it in Summer's face

Summer squinted at the picture. "Oh geez, sorry, Jodie. All the filler talent looks the same to me."

Dun dun DUN!

Judge Summer looked back and forth between the defendant and the plaintiff, "alright, I've come to a conclusion or a verdict or whatever it's called."

DUN DUN DUN DUN!!

Plaintiff Jodie brightened up, looking around the courtroom as she yelled out, "DON'T LOSE FAITH NOW, GRAY NATION!! I'M GONNA DO THIS FOR YOU!"

"Seriously? Just shut up, Jodie. It was cute for a promo or two. Now it's just lazy writing." She cleared her throat, "right, so here goes. Ladies, it's my judgment that you're both guilty of being losers. Pathetic little losers who could never hope to steal a win from me, even if YOU cheated and grabbed my tights. You are both sentenced to ten years hard labor on FFW's midcard roster, never to earn another shot again. Oh, and the TV Title? Dream on because you so NEVER really had a shot at this!" Judge Summer said, laying in a stiff whack of the gavel before she reached down and picked up the belt from under her huge robe.

She turned around and then started falling.

She fell for a really long time until she landed, hard, on her ass in a really damp cave. The fall knocked her out, but she was still clutching the Television Championship belt in her hands. Slowly the camera zoomed in on one of her hands on the gold and then there was a scrabbling from the dark. The view pulled out to reveal a disheveled and dirty Lightning in the mouth of the cave, her hair hanging in wet strands over her face. She was muttering to herself, "must have the precious… they stole it from us. Sneaky, skanky little Emo chickses. Don't you know… the preciousssssssss is mine? She will cheat you… she will laugh at you… but you know you did your bestestes when you beat the cheerleaderses twice… when you beat the pretender. She will cheat because that's what she does… tricksy champion who never earned the precioussssssssss. I did… I earned it with my blood… and my sweat… and my…"

"THAT'S MY LINE, BITCH!" Jodie screamed from off camera somewhere, ruining Lightning's ramble.

"GO AWAY!" The Lightning Gollum screamed, tearing out fistfuls of her hair. She cocked her head and there was nothing but silence. "I tolds her, did you hear? I tolds her to go away and she did… JESTINE IS FREE! FREE, PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

Creepily, the Lightning Gollum crawled towards Summer, and then suddenly the FFW Television Champion woke up safe in her own bed. The bed was comically oversized and she had her hair in pigtails. She was also wearing yellow pajamas with rubber ducks on them and a pair of bunny slippers. "Whoa, I'm totes never going to eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia before I go to sleep again! Yikes... those were some freaky dreams!"

"CUT! PRINT! THAT'S A WRAP, FOLKS!" Someone yelled from off camera and then Summer grinned happily, lifting up the belt before the screen faded out to sunny yellow. Printed there were the words: THE PRECEDING MESSAGE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY SUMMER, THE CURRENT AND SOON TO BE STILL REIGNING AFTER UNSTOPPABLE 3 TELEVISION CHAMPION! <3

In smaller print, it also said: sponsored by Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream.

Star-wipe to a shot of the FFW Television Championship belt with Summer's name on the nameplate. And fade.