chapter one: choices

Boston || Saturday, May 7, 2016

Every single article of clothing Kasey had packed for this latest Boston trip were spread out - on the bed, the floor - everywhere. She hoped, as she rode the elevator down to the lobby, that none of the cleaning staff were going to invade the room while she was gone. They’d probably steal something and she’d never even notice. They’d probably think some horrible crime had happened since she’d all but trashed the place rockstar style before finally bolting out the door, terrified she was going to be late.

Thankfully, the restaurant she’d scoped out wasn’t far, just down the block from the hotel and it was nice enough to walk - briskly - she made it there just on time, only to be told that the other party hadn’t arrived yet for their reservation. Five minutes had passed since then. She’d drank an entire glass of water. Antsy didn’t even begin to cover what she was feeling.

Even without meaning to, Kasey found herself looking back every few seconds. Still nothing. The waiter approached with more water. Politely, she smiled at him and readied herself to turn back once again, when she felt someone beside her. She half jumped but then realised who it was. Akragth moved his chair out and sat opposite her. He unbuttoned his jacket and pulled the chair inward.

“Hi,” he said, rather bluntly. At a glance he seemed quite uncomfortable - both in his clothing, and his surrounding. He kept touching at his tie, moving a little left and right.

“Hi,” Kasey couldn’t help her smile, the stars in her eyes as she looked at him. Wow, she thought, does he ever clean up nice! Reaching for her water glass again, she stopped herself in time and instead adjusted her glasses. “I wasn’t sure how fancy we were going to go since we didn’t really talk about it so I just wore something casual,” she was already rambling, biting her lip for a second to stop herself, “you look really nice. I mean,” she looked away, picking at a thread on the sleeve of her cropped jean jacket she had on over the yellow and black sundress, “not that you look gross the rest of the time or anything.”

Ak looked down and ran his hand over his cheeks and mouth. Was he hiding a smile? “Thanks. You look, you know…” He stared at her, almost as if trying to will her to finish his sentence for him. She didn’t take him on, and just sat there smiling back. He cleared his throat. “...uh, you...you look nice. Great, actually.” He immediately looked down and then to either sides - pretty much anywhere but straight at her. Finally he rested his elbow on the table his hand hand just under his face chin - thumb on his jaw, forefinger above his lips.

“Oh my God. So I looked at the menu before you got here and… they have deep fried pickles,” she whispered that like it was something top secret, almost mirroring his pose, resting her chin on her palm and her elbow on the table. “And I’m serious… that’s like my kryptonite. So we kinda totally have to get those, if you’re okay with that. If you don’t like fried things, I mean, I’ll eat them myself. But I have to try them.” Kasey’s eyes were locked on him and it was as if she were totally oblivious to his momentary discomfort.

For a moment Ak just looked back at her. If anything, it only seemed made him feel even more uncomfortable. He finally relented with a smile. Even he seemed surprised by that, but there was no point hiding it this time. “You eat whatever you want to eat. This is...just enjoy the night.”

She stared at him for a few seconds, trying to gauge if he was messing with her before a sly smile crossed her lips. “Fair warning. I’m not going to order a single crouton to dunk in this glass of water and call it a meal. And uhm… enjoy? Well, okay. If you insist.”

“I’d be worried if you did,” he said. “I mean, with the way you bounce around, you need more than a bit of bread. And yes, I insist - as your, I guess trainer?”

“Trainer.” She affirmed with a sage nod, flipping open the menu and looking down at it for a few seconds. “Mentor, probably too. Spiritual advisor? Yogi? I dunno… what other terms can we throw on?” Very obviously, she was teasing although there was a hopeful note in there, “or maybe friend? It was nice, you know, earlier? When you listened. A lot of people wouldn’t have. So…” she didn’t look up, pretending to study the choices, “thanks. For real.”

Ak squirmed in his chair a little and quietly opened his menu. He looked down, but his eyes weren’t even moving. He just stared. “That’s...I mean, it must have been weighing on your mind.” He thumbed the page over - despite clearly not reading anything.

“Oh, God.” She laughed, looking up at him over the rims of her glasses, “seriously? There are probably fifty gazillion things on my mind 24/7. And it’s not… I mean that’s always been a thing and it was kinda just my thing. So telling someone was kinda… cathartic? Maybe?” She reached out with her free hand, tapping the page he was on, “the review I read said that house special steak was really good. And the chicken is supposed to be some special secret herb recipe.”

“As long as it helped.” Ak’s eyes lingered on her hand for a moment, before looking down. He slid his hand every so slightly closer. “There are so many choices. I always was a steak guy, though.”

“Most of the time, I try to eat vegan just because it’s so much better for you. I mean, all this processed food and hormones and junk’s just poisoning us from the inside out,” she smiled at him, “but a nice juicy steak would be pretty awesome right now. Not gonna lie. We could like… pick two things that sound good and share. I mean,” she pulled her hand away, blushing slightly as though finally realising how forward and awkward that sounded, “sorry. That’s weird. Forget I said that.”

“OK, sure.” He sat back, almost as if a weight had been taken from his shoulders. “Let’s do that.”

Her head snapped up so fast that it was like watching a cartoon character, the look of surprise on her face almost comical. “Oh. Really? Okay. And the pickles to start. We have to try those.” Ak held his open palms out to either side as if to say ‘OK then’. She closed her menu firmly, folding her hands primly on top of it. “Okay, so I gotta ask you something, and it might be weird because I mean, you call me Kasey, not Summer, right? But… I… like do you want me to call you Akragth?” She kinda stressed it, doing her best to even pronounce it right, “or… like… Ak or whatever?”

He snickered a little. “Well, Akragth isn’t exactly my real name. It’s, I dunno, most people just call me Ak.” He closed his own menu. “Have for a long time, it just sorta stuck. Maybe one day I’ll tell you the real one. But first, let’s order?”

Kasey nodded quickly, “oh yeah. I’m starving.” She turned her head, looking for that waiter that had been hovering before Ak had arrived, spotting him on his way over with a basket of complimentary bread.

Ak waved the man over before Kasey could. The man closed in, a small pad in hand. “What could I get you today?”

“Could we get the -” Ak looked back at Kasey for a moment. “-the pickles for starter? The lady insists.” The waiter politely smiled as he scribbled his shorthand notes down. “And I’ll have the house special steak. Cooked to...well, how do you like it, Kasey?”

“Medium-well… a little pink but not like still mooing and stuff?” She glanced from him to the waiter and then back again. “And I heard the chicken is great too. So maybe the chicken and ribs with the sweet potato fries for a side?”

“Very good ma’am. And that was the winter vegetables with your steak, sir?” Ak nodded. “Excellent. And could I get you anything to drink this evening?”

Kasey looked to Ak, and he back to her. “Uhh. Sure. Do you drink, Kasey?”

“Not like wine or anything. But like cocktails. Sometimes. Like margaritas and like daiquiris and the ones with umbrellas in them? Water’s okay for me though. If you want something go ahead.” She blushed slightly, looking embarrassed to be rambling in front of the waiter.

The waiter turned back to Ak. “Well, I’m a man of simple taste, and wine ruins me anyway. A beer for me. And...let’s say a margarita for the lady? With one of those little umbrellas.” They both looked to her with expectant eyes.

“Sounds great!” She held out her menu, waiting for the waiter to take it. “Thanks so much.” She waited for him to depart before turning back to Ak, that sunny smile still on her lips. “You know what's funny? I haven't been out to eat with anyone in ages. I forgot how fancy it can feel...especially with the right company.”

“I...yea, me too. It’s been a fairly long while for me too, though.” He looked around the place. People at every table, a cacophony of conversation in the air, laughter and the sound of metal clanking against the fine dishware. Ak awkwardly rubbed the back of his head. “I didn’t expect you to ask me, though. I guess, well, what I mean is…” He sighed. “Thanks. Like, for asking, I mean. I didn’t think, I didn’t expect...I was surprised is all.”

“Oh.” Kasey frowned, puzzling that over. “What so… uhm… people don't…” sheepishly, she stopped talking, realising she was making it more awkward. “Well it's the least I could do. I mean, you've been giving me your time.”

He chuckled a little. “No, people don’t. Not for a while, anyway.” He paused for a second. “I guess I didn’t always have space in my life either. A lot of my life is my job, you know? I just, I’m the sort of guy who aims to be the best at what I do, and that takes dedication - in the gym, on the mat, watching videos for hours and hours. And then, on top of that, I was always touring around the world, it takes its toll. I found success in the ring, but...well...”

“Oh I know. Believe me. I do.” Kasey replied quickly. “FFW toured so it was always a different city. Sometimes though, I felt like I was lost in the shuffle and I swear I did my best to stand out but like the roster was so big and I maybe got a match once every six weeks or so. Except when I was TV champ. Then it was like work, work, work all the time. Until…well… yeahhhh. Eventually I lost. And then someone I looked up to died and I just kinda lost my smile for a while.”

“I can’t imagine you without the smile. I mean, it’s always there...even when it shouldn’t be - like in the middle of a training session.”

The waiter returned, a silver tray in hand. He placed the glass of beer in front of Akragth, and the margarita next to Kasey’s cutlery. With a curt bow, the man was gone just as quickly as he had arrived.

Without missing a beat, Kasey took a sip, nodding. “Can't help it during training. I mean… duh. I love it. Like so much. The preparation and junk? Like I'm this perpetual student and it's okay because it makes sense. The rest of life is so…” she trailed off, looking sad and a little wistful, “life's not fair sometimes. I mean you know that. And things happen randomly. I just hate…” she sighed. “People disappear on me but the ring, the training, the…you know… the mental stuff is always there. Constant. And it's comforting. I guess.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” He took a swig from his beer glass. He wiped a little foam from his lip with his tongue. “It’s not a life that most can do. But, I dunno. I never really saw it as something that makes me happy and smile. It’s sort of like, it completes me, you know? I can’t imagine doing anything else, really.” He had a second swig before placing the glass back down. “Hell, I’m not even sure I could do anything else now.”

“I spent the entire last year trying to think of other things to do and it was just… probably the most depressing thing ever.” She watched him for a few seconds, “I mean, maybe one day I’ll run the school on like the administration side of things. I don’t think I really have the patience with other people enough to really teach. So… okay lemme ask you something. If you could do it all over again, and like choose any career in the universe, like even made up things like Sith Lord or whatever… what would you be?”

“Anything in the universe? Hmm.” He paused to think. “I’d probably be Batman. Dude is badass, you know?” He chuckled. “And not so different to me, either. What about you, Ms. Summers?”

“Somebody important. Like the first lady President. Or like surgeon who saves lives every single day. Or someone who writes things that everyone loves.” Her eyes shone with excitement behind the glasses. “Someone with charisma and personality and the whole package. Like… Batman is a good choice. I think maybe I’d go Marvel universe if I wanted to be a hero though. Or maybe… did you ever read Watchmen? Maybe someone like Silk Spectre.”

“I don’t think I could save people every day. But, you know, kudos for those who can.” He nodded to her. “And yea, I read Watchmen.. Shame the movie wasn’t so good. Which hero would you be from the Marvel universe, then?” It occurred to Kasey that he hadn’t touched his tie in a while, and was looking far more relaxed already.

“Probably Kitty Pryde. You know that whole thing where she went back in time and possessed her younger self and prevented people from dying?” She was completely, utterly serious, “I’d want to be able to do that. Even if maybe the past doesn’t want to be changed. Because I miss them. A lot.”

“Kitty Pryde...she was hot in the movies, easily the best looking of them all. I could see you in that costume and…” His words sort of trailed off as he realised what he had just said. He awkwardly laughed and then very quickly grabbed his beer - this time drinking a gulp, not a swig.

“I’d probably make a better… what’s that redhead from the Avengers? Black Window or whatever? Widow. Like the spider.” She rolled her eyes at her own screw-up. “Not that I’m really into cosplay.”

“Well, Black Window doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.” Ak smirked. “Funny, though, I kinda had you pegged as enjoying dressing as your favourite characters.” His eyes widened a little. “I mean, not in an offensive sort of way. I just...you know…” He looked down. “Like, I thought you’d enjoy that sort of culture. It can be kinda sexy too. I mean, if you’re into that.” He let out an exasperated sigh. “...sorry, seems like I’m the one who’s rambling now.”

“It’s okay… really. I mean, you’re good at small talk….holding a conversation. At least it’s not all long silences and awkward blurting of stuff. So I look like I’d be into roleplaying,” she nodded, “okay. I’ll give you that since I’m clearly not winning any cool points over here. What kinda stuff are you into? Like when you’re not beating the hell out of people or getting ready to beat the hell out of people?”

“I like music,” he said. “Live, recorded, whichever. And TV, film. I don’t really have any hobbies though. I used to, but I stopped with them when I took up life on the road. Never really had enough time. I guess I just never picked them back up.” He smiled, that almost blank smile, aimed at himself more than her. “I guess we all change as we get older. What are you into?”

“Terrible movies,” Kasey answered, grinning. “Like the worst and I just like to laugh at how bad they are. Have you ever seen The Room? It's so awful it's glorious!”

“Ah man.” Ak’s voice turned monotonous. “It’s not fair. I didn’t hit her. I did not.” He made the motion of throwing something to the ground. “Oh, hi, Mark!” Ak grinned.

“Oh my God yes!” It came out a bit louder than expected and Kasey ducked her head, trying to contain her giggles even as people looked their way. “That guy is so creepy.”

Ak speaks in his normal voice. “He’s just so...I mean, does he talk like that in real life? How can one guy act so bad?” He laughs like he remembered something. “And that’s to say nothing of how bad the plot was! You ever seen Birdemic?”

“No. Actually… no. I haven’t but I heard things. Did you see it?” She was leaning forward now, eyes wide as she hung on every word.

“I did, and now I can’t unsee it. Holy crap that was bad. So bad. Like done in MS Paint bad.” He laughed fairly hysterically. “The birds looked like clip art and the fire looked like one of those animations you see on Twitter!” He chuckled more, and stopped, trying to catch his breath a little. “Maybe I’ll show it to you sometime.”

“Definitely!” She nodded vigorously and then caught herself, settling back in her chair and taking a restless sip of her drink. “I mean… I’d really like that.”

Ak seemed to realise what he had just said. The smile fell away a little and he looked almost embarrassed. “I-I have better movies though. Could be whatever you want. We could catch a new movie even, at the cinema I mean. Or whatever.” His smile returned a little, but his eyes averted into his beer as he took another mouthful.

“Anything you’d want to share with me would be awesome.” Kasey’s voice came out softly, brimming with sincerity. “You’ve already been so great, helping me work on my skills and just being so nice… and I mean… this, too. This right now - I know you probably didn’t want to and like there are a million other things you could be doing right now other than sitting here in a tie and talking to some weird chick you just met on social media.” Her smile was a touch sad, definitely self-deprecating. “You’re a good person, Ak.”

“Good person?” He scoffed. The words seemed to stick in his throat. “I’m sure the are those who wouldn’t agree. Maybe it’s just you, looking to find goodness in everyone you meet. Me? I usually only see the worst.”

“That’s awfully pessimistic,” Kasey replied archly, shaking her head. “And if you were awful? You probably would’ve told me to fuck right off that morning I turned up on your doorstep.” She held up a finger, forestalling any rebuttal he might have had. “And don’t tell me you were bored or taking pity or however you wanna spin it because we both know that’s bull. Either you’re a nice person deep down under that crusty exterior or I’m some special exception and we both know I’m not.”

“No, I didn’t come because I was bored. I came because I wanted to.” His brow turned toward a near frown. “And what if you were the exception to the rule? Would that be so bad? Maybe I like your company, too...”

“Oh.” Kasey fell silent for a few seconds, trying to mull that over and figure out what that might mean. There was no denying how much she liked his company, how much she loved seeing him smile. “I’m not sure I’m worthy of that exception,” she finally said, her voice coming out small.

“Wouldn’t that be for me to decide, though?” He paused, running his finger along the condensation that had formed on his cold glass. “And, I mean, I’m not...you know, stupid..or blind.”

“Stupid or blind? Wait… what?” She looked back up from contemplating the melting contents of her glass, “I wasn’t trying to… God, I so was not fishing for a compliment. I just mean… you… Ak, you’re like on this level up here,” she lifted one hand way above her head, “and I’m down here.” This time she patted the table top for emphasis. “I’m not trying to be coy or whatever. Just realistic. And I mean…” she sighed, shaking her head, “communication breakdown like whoa. Okay, see, you don’t know me. So maybe reserve that judgment for a little while?”

“I don’t know you…” He slowly nodded to himself, his eyes not really focused anywhere, as if he was simply repeating those words over and over in his mind. “Yea. I guess I don’t, huh?” He almost looked...was he sad? He sat back in his seat and ran his hand over his stubbled chin. A few moments of silence followed and he looked half ready to leave.

That shift in mood, in his posture, took her by surprise. “Shit. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry… sometimes words come out of my mouth before I really think about them and...” she looked at him and then tore her eyes away with effort, biting her lip. “Okay, I’m gonna just shut up.”

Akragth grabbed hold of his glass. He breathed in and then exhaled deeply. “No..” He shook his head. “Don’t do that.” There was another silence. “It’s not about you fishing for compliments, you know?” He shrugged. “Maybe I just wanted to give them. Maybe it’s what I think you deserve…”

She nodded, reaching for her glass before stalling as she sucked up half of it through the straw in one go. “Okay. Fair enough. You know what I think you deserve?” It wasn’t really a rhetorical question but it felt that way when she paused for a second, feeling the buzz of the alcohol in her bloodstream - probably should have stuck with water since she hadn’t really eaten all day. “No, really. Guess. I wanna see if you know me well enough to know what I’m thinking right now.”

“I…” Ak seemed to freeze in place. Kasey could see him weighing up before he spoke. “I can maybe imagine a few things...but I dunno if you’d be thinking those.” He tilted his head to the side. “I mean...unless I really did misjudge you. So...why not fill me in before I make an ass of myself?”

Kasey rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Honestly, I was not trying to figure out the logistics of horizontal mambo given our differences in height.” A blush coloured her cheeks - maybe it was just a rush of heat from the booze, maybe not. “What I was thinking is that I think you’re a lot more lonely than you let on and you deserve someone in your life who isn’t just going to up and leave. That’s what I was thinking, Ak. Maybe not my place to even say… I just thought that and...”

Ak’s eyes seemed to glaze over a little. He closed them for a moment, then smiled - but it was fairly obviously feigned. “That’s...I liked your first answer better.” He tried to force a more genuine smile, but failed. “I…” He cleared his throat. “I guess you might be right. It would be nice to share a life again. But...I mean, it’s finding someone to share it with, you know?”

“Believe me,” she murmured, “I know.” Before the moment could become even more awkward, the waiter arrived with their appetizer, setting the plate of deep fried pickle spears down before departing again. Kasey let the silence linger for a moment longer before meeting his gaze again. “You said there was someone before… can I ask what happened? I mean, if you don’t mind telling me. If you do, it’s no big deal.”

“I don’t really know. We were a...thing. Mostly just physical, I guess. Sex really. I thought she wanted more but...well I was wrong. We stopped seeing each other a while ago. I think that my return to the ring wasn’t really what she wanted, either- even though she returned with me at first.” He shrugged. “I guess that it is what it is.”

He hastily finished his beer and motioned to the barman for another before asking his next question. “But now I have to ask...I started to follow you on Twitter, as I know you know. And, well, you and Landon seem...cosy. I mean, if I didn’t know better I’d say you two were...well, know? So I’m kinda curious what’s going on there…I mean, it kinda felt like you might...I know how you look at me and...it, look, what I’m saying is that I don’t want to misread what’s going on is all.”

“Lando… he’s…” Kasey paused, wincing at the thought of putting a label on things this quickly. “He’s great. So sweet and kind and… well, he just got out of a really fucked up relationship. And I mean my last one? God, he proposed like a month before I got injured.” She held out her hand, no rings in sight. “You see how well that turned out. So I mean… yeah, I like Landon. I do. A lot. And we already agreed to take things slow and just see what happens.”

She wanted so badly to lie and say it was nothing, to pass it off like she was just openly flirting with Landon because he was safe - was that really the reason? At first, maybe. When he’d still been with Rayna? Definitely. Then it had been a game to see if he would do it back because that girl was batshit crazy and the thought of provoking her was amusing. She didn’t tell Ak any of that. Instead she met his gaze levelly, like she had the first time they’d sparred. “The honest answer is: I don’t know what’s going on there. Not really sure if it’s going to turn into something more than friends. I know… I know, so unhelpful, right?” She sighed. “What I know is how I feel. Do I like Landon? Yup. I do. If you’re asking me to weigh how I feel about him against the things I’m feeling right now towards you..? I… I’m not sure I can.”

“I see.” He swallowed hard enough that his voice got a little higher. “Well...if he makes you happy then…” He cleared his throat. “Well then, that's what matters.” His pained expression was clear to see.

Kasey stared at him for a good ten seconds, at a loss for words. Shaking her head, she laughed ruefully, reaching for one of the pickles which she dunked into the creamy dill sauce, effectively stalling while she ate part of one. “I think you’re missing the big picture here,” she finally broke the silence, dropping the uneaten part on her plate. “I didn’t need to be there for training part of this week… so I came here. To Boston… to….” the you remained unspoken, heavily implied. “I only went back because I had to wrestle for FLW. And I know that’s lame or whatever. And I hid it behind the guise of wanting you to punch me in the face a bunch of times or whatever you think my motivation was… but here we are.”

“Here we are,” he repeated with a mutter. Kasey could see the muscles in his cheeks clenching, and he was yet to even eat anything. “Thing is, I'm not really sure where we are. Sure, you came out here, just as I came to see you midweek, and I do appreciate that. I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I…” He shrugged. “You can't expect me to ignore what I see, how you spend your time the rest of the week. I'm not sure it's that I'm missing the bigger picture… I think I've been choosing to ignore the obvious situation.”

“The obvious situation being..?” She blinked behind her glasses, hopeful that the glare off the lenses might hide the sheen of the tears she felt rising. “Ak… I don’t… I honestly don’t know what you’re trying to say. If you think I’m trying to play you, I would never.”

“I think that you need to make a choice.” He picked up his fork and stared down intently at it. “A decision about what we're actually doing here. About why you did half the week with me, but the rest lusting - very publicly - after another guy.” His tone was harder now. “I…just don't mess me about, OK? If I misread things then I'd rather know now then later…”

She noticed that Ak had bent the fork in his hand and for a moment, she couldn’t tear her eyes away from that. “Hey,” the word came out so soft it was almost just a whisper of air and then she moved her drink aside and reached across the table, “you didn’t misread anything. At all. What I do there on Twitter… that’s… that’s just words. And emojis, I guess. And it’s easier because it’s just goofing around… I mean that’s how it started. Last fall, I posted asking if there was anyone who would care if I deleted social media. He was the only one who replied, saying he’d miss my ‘on fleek eyebrows’. I guess that’s a really stupid explanation, a really dumb reason to tell you that I started up with him when I came back - he was with someone then and it was nothing but harmless stuff. Now it’s all Facebook status: it’s complicated.” Her fingers touched his where they still held the mangled fork, just a gentle brush as if acknowledging that anger, “you wanna know the difference between you and Landon?”

Ak was trying to suppress his scowl - even if it was his nature to turn toward disdain when hurting. “I thought you weren’t comparing us…” He sighed. “Go on…”

“He’s safe,” Kasey replied, keeping it brief, “and you’re… you’re scary. You’re a risk.”

“You’re not the only one taking risks here. I mean, I’ve been more open with you than I ever am with most - and I don’t even know why. There’s just something intangible and I allowed you in, even though I knew it could bite me in the ass.” He relinquished his grip on the now crooked utensil and shrugged. “I guess...maybe I just liked you from the start...I dunno.”

“Must’ve been my undeniable charm.” She was back to smiling at him, “guess it’s a good thing for you that I get a huge kick out of taking risks?”

Ak looked stumped. “I…” The word escaped him more as an exhale than anything. He sat with his mouth slightly agape. He inhaled for a couple of seconds, to the point where his chest bulked, and then held his hand out toward her, resting against the table’s surface…

...she didn’t even hesitate, laying her hand over his. “I know.”